11. Chapter 11

When Meng Zhi wakes up, it is the dead of night. There is a shaft of moonlight shining through the high, narrow window above the bed, giving enough light for him to know just how late/early it is.

Mei Changsu is curled around him, breaths even and deep with barely a hint of rattling in his lungs. There are distant noises beyond the walls and door, the familiar sounds of a battleground being righted along with the normal clatter of a palace being managed. Meng Zhi thinks he should be out there, now that he’s had a few hours of sleep, but he cannot bring himself to leave their bed.

“How in the hell do you not know how much I love you, Meng Zhi?”

The words play over and over in his mind. Does he, though? Does Mei Changsu really love him? There was nothing for him to gain by saying that to Meng Zhi this time, no task or promise that Meng Zhi was being made to keep, but—

“For a man who claims never to think at all, I can feel your brain churning like rapids in a spring river,” Mei Changsu mumbles into his chest.

“I do not know what you want of me, this time,” Meng Zhi whispers.

Mei Changsu is quiet for a while, mulling the words over. “Ah. You think I am manipulating you again.” He sighs. “It is my fault you suspect my motives.”

“You do paint yourself in a foul way,” Meng Zhi allows, since it is true. “And you have used this against me before.”

“No, I didn’t.”

“When Xia Jiang—”

“ I meant every word of it ,” Mei Changsu snaps, pulling himself up onto his elbows, one pointy end jamming into Meng Zhi’s chest. “I meant it all, Ah-Zhi. You were the one too blind to see my feelings for you. You were so convinced I was in love with Jingyan that you could not believe what was in front of your face!”

Mei Changsu is incandescently beautiful when he’s angry, which is unfortunate for Meng Zhi as he can’t help grinning up at him while he rants.

“In love! With Jingyan!” He scoffs. “Absurd! You are a—”

He’s cut short because Meng Zhi is kissing him. Suddenly and finally. He pulls his beloved down to rest on him again and holds his head in place with one hand wrapped around the back of his skull, fingers tangled with his hair. He kisses softly at first, lips barely parted and simply caressing Mei Changsu’s mouth while the other squawks for a moment before settling down.

He’s as thin as he looks, and makes Meng Zhi think of a small, fluttering bird in his hand. Beautiful but fragile. He is certain Mei Changsu would not appreciate the comparison, so he simply says “Beautiful!” before deepening the kiss, sucking on Xiao Su’s tongue and taste.

Urgent hands are on him, then, stripping off the rest of his underclothes while trying to keep the kiss going. It’s awkward and wonderful to be wanted so badly by someone he loves so much, and he laughs as Mei Changsu fumbles with pulling his pants off.

“Shhh, slow down, beloved. We have all night, do not strain yourself,” Meng Zhi says in the face of Xiao Su’s breathless panting. It is a heavenly delight to see a man who is usually so reserved and composed act in such a clumsy way, too rattled by desire to heed his motions or thoughts. Meng Zhi feels the same but also feels the responsibility of making sure that Xiao Su does not overexert himself.

He gentles his movements and lays back down, slowly dragging Mei Changsu to his side. He kisses his neck, pulling back the collar of his nightshirt to suck at the soft skin under his ear. Xiao Su’s breath catches and he’s still for a moment. Meng Zhi kisses up his neck and along his jaw until their mouths meet again in a languid kiss.

Xiao Su starts moving his hand over Meng Zhi’s bare chest, teasing his nipples lightly before moving down over his stomach. Meng Zhi has not been touched like this by another person since before his wife’s death so the sensation makes him gasp.

“I’m not even touching your cock, yet,” Xiao Su smirks against his lips.

“Fiend!” Meng Zhi chuckles before drawing him into another long kiss.

Xiao Su is more impatient than he is — it pangs Meng Zhi to think that in this, Mei Changsu is still Lin Shu, under it all — and wraps his hand around Meng Zhi’s cock with no warning, gripping it hard. Meng Zhi arches off the bed a little, gasping.

“You are a fiend!” He says when he can grab air into his lungs.

“Hmmm. I just see no reason to linger,” Xiao Su says, his voice deep and filled with desire.

His touch is perfect, the right weight and the perfect tempo as he strokes Meng Zhi’s cock. He never stays with any rhythm too long, changing up the pace to keep Meng Zhi sensitive. It’s less a tease and more a slow build and it is better than anything Meng Zhi has felt in over ten years. Mei Changsu is so good at this—

Too good?

Thoughts tumble through his mind. If Mei Changsu sought training to become the perfect help-meet or consort, did he also seek training on the duties of a courtesan? What did that training entail? There are books on the art of making love, of course, but this speaks to experience . This is a lover who is good at servicing.

It hits him like an arrow to his heart.

This is Mei Changsu distracting him.

Mei Changsu picks up on Meng Zhi’s startlement. He stops kissing his chest and slows his strokes. “Ah-Zhi?”

Instead of answering, he rolls onto his side, slides his fingers down Mei Changsu’s chest which is still covered by his nightshirt (another clue he should have picked up on, but he was too excited at being undressed to notice that his lover was not doing the same for himself). Mei Changsu sucks in a breath, eyes widening, as Meng Zhi pushes his hand into his pants.

He’s stopped by firm (if weak) hand on his wrist. “It’s not necessary.”

“I think it is.”

“No.” The word brooks no argument.

Meng Zhi stops and lifts his hand free. “Why not?” He asks gently, kindly. He wonders if this is some insecurity Mei Changsu has about his altered body.

Mei Changsu closes his eyes, then lets go of Meng Zhi and flops onto his back. He pauses before he slings an arm over his eyes in the most peculiar display of petulance Meng Zhi has ever seen from him. “Husband?”

“It doesn't...it doesn’t work . The way it should. Since—” He stops, and again it is that wall of silence that surrounds “ whatever the hell happened to Lin Shu.”

“Since Meiling,” Meng Zhi offers, propping his head on his hand.

“Yes.” Mei Changsu keeps the arm over his face. “I can feel pleasure, and there are...reactions. But it doesn’t work the way a man should.” His voice cracks.

“Hmmm. Yet, here you are, a man in my bed.” Meng Zhi puts his free hand on Mei Changsu’s belly, then slowly slides it down, making his goal clear.

“Ah-Zhi,” Xiao Shu says breathlessly, surprised. “You don’t—”

“I do.” His hand rests over Mei Changsu’s cock. It is plump and hot, but not stiff enough to lift itself. He wraps his fingers around it and holds it gently while Xiao Shu gasps for breath. He teases it a little, as he would himself before he’s fully worked up, stroking and tugging and squeezing. It continues to fill his hand, but never gets fully hard. Xiao Shu, on the other hand, is squirming on the bed, crying out softly, although he still hides his face. Meng Zhi leans over and kisses his shoulder. “Are you able to find completion?”

“Oh! Ah...oh god, Meng Zhi!” He bites his lip. “Yes, sometimes. Sometimes, ah! Not...not always.”

“But it feels good?”

“You bastard, you can see that it does,” Xiao Shu growls breathlessly.

“Then let me see your face, my beloved.”

Xiao Su slowly pulls his arm down. His eyes are wide and the pupils blown open with arousal, and his lips are just barely parted, slick wet where he has been licking or biting them. He looks at Meng Zhi, giving out soft little pants as Meng Zhi plays with him. He lifts his balls and runs fingertips along the delicate skin behind them, but no further. Xiao Su whines, his expression bright with wonder and passion.

“Did you think I would not want to touch you?” Meng Zhi chuckles softly, leaning over him and taking his mouth in a deep kiss. Xiao Su grabs his shoulders and pulls him closer, his fingers gripping tightly at him as if scared he will fall away if he lets go.

“It’s been so long, Ah-Zhi, so long—” Xiao Su sobs the words. “Please.”

“Anything!” Meng Zhi whispers against his cheek. Xiao Su’s hands spasm, then he wraps his arms around Meng Zhi’s back. “Tell me what you want, what you need,” he says, softening his touch on Xiao Su’s cock to slow, light strokes. It is still plump and hot, and every time he thumbs the slit and plays with the foreskin Xiao Su whimpers.

“I can’t...I won’t. I’m too tired,” Xiao Su stutters, his voice colored with embarrassment and shame.

“That’s not what I asked. What do you want?”

“I would like to come!” Xiao Su snaps angrily, but collapses as soon as the words are out of his mouth. Meng Zhi knows his temper and waits him out. “Kiss me.”

Meng Zhi complies. He lets go of Xiao Su’s cock and runs his hands over his hips and thighs, keeping his touch heavy. He wants to make him feel good with all the sensations of being loved. Xiao Su shifts under him, separates their mouths in order to kiss over Meng Zhi’s cheekbone to his temple. His hands start moving again, up and down Meng Zhi’s back in practiced, soothing motions.

“Xiao Su, don’t treat me like I’m a customer,” Meng Zhi sighs with his eyes closed. As expected, Xiao Su freezes. Meng Zhi opens his eyes and looks down, seeing a hilariously mixed expression of desire and annoyance on his beloved’s face. Meng Zhi chuckles. “You think I don’t know? I figured out a long time ago that you learned the ways of a proper consort, as well as those of a courtesan. But you do not need to win your way into my bed, or set a price for you to get into Jinling anymore. You are my husband.” He kisses him lightly. “I love you.” He kisses him again. “Every part of you brings me pleasure.” He gives him a long, deep, filthy kiss. “Let us find pleasure together.”

“Meng Zhi, you always surprise me. I don’t know how, but you do.” Xiao Su smiles at him, a genuinely open expression filled with happiness and an endearing hint of shyness. It brightens Mei Changsu’s stark features and makes him look so young, for a change. Meng Zhi is older than Lin Shu by seven years, and yet he has often thought of Mei Changsu as his peer. Looking down on him now, he sees the proud young man under the veneer of maturity, excited yet still uncertain of himself. It is a raw, precious thing and Meng Zhi nuzzles up against him in unbridled joy. This amazing man is his and he has no idea how that happened but he is not going to question it anymore.

They kiss and roll around on the bed for a while, touching and exploring each other as new lovers do. Meng Zhi discovers that Xiao Su loves pressure — being held, being held down, being petted with firm hands. He rubs them together with his tight, hot cock sliding against Xiao Su’s softer one until Xiao Su actually squeaks and pushes Meng Zhi off with a laugh.

“Hm?” Meng Zhi asks, moving to straddle Xiao Su’s thigh and rolling his hips, thrusting against him.

“I am overly sensitive, at times.”

Meng Zhi kisses his neck, his own breath coming in faster. “Tell me what to do, sweetheart.”

“We are both tired and aroused,” Xiao Su says as he grabs ahold of Meng Zhi’s ass and grinds up against him.

“It’s the latter part that concerns me,” Meng Zhi chuckles.

“I want you to fuck me and kiss you when you come.”

Meng Zhi groans in frustration. “I am not getting up to get massage oil for us, who even knows where it is after all the moving around of the last few days?”

Xiao Su grumbles. “We did not plan this well.”

“We did not plan this at all, if I remember correctly.”

Xiao Su slaps his ass and Meng Zhi startles while he is laughed at. He rolls up onto his knees, pushing Xiao Su’s legs apart and settling between them. Xiao Su looks up at him, raising his eyebrows. Meng Zhi shifts around until his thighs are nestled under Xiao Su’s, then leans forward until he’s covering him with his whole body. “Until then, I want to come on you,” he says.

“Oh ,” Xiao Su says as if the air has been punched out of him.

“Touch me, please,” Meng Zhi begs with a broken voice as he takes in the beauty beneath him, the man who is willingly sharing his body with him and giving him his love. Mei Changsu wraps his hand around his cock and begins stroking it in earnest, watching him with dark, possessive eyes. Meng Zhi’s hips take up a rhythm of their own and he doesn’t last long after that, shuddering and crying out as he comes all over Mei Changsu’s belly. Arms wrap around him as he shakes through the aftershocks and he mouths at Mei Changsu’s shoulder, just needing to taste him.

As they are dozing together, still too wound up from everything to fall asleep, Meng Zhi pulls Xiao Su closer and whispers in his hair. “I told you so long ago that I loved you. Why did you not tell me my affection was returned? We could have had this so much sooner.”

“I never planned to tell you,” Mei Changsu says with a long sigh.

Meng Zhi goes still at that, horrified by the thought. “Gods above, Xiao Su, why not?”

“You are a good man, Meng Zhi, and I...I am not. The things I’ve had to do, the lives I’ve ruined, the plans I have for the emperor himself — nothing about me is worthy of you.” He turns his face into Meng Zhi’s chest. “I even forced you into this marriage, knowing you still love your dead wife, knowing I was ruining any chance of future happiness for you. I do not understand your love for me but I know with certainty that I do not deserve it.”

“For a brilliant man, you are such a damn fool, Mei Changsu.”

“I welcome you telling me that for the rest of my life,” he says with a soft, self-deprecating laugh.

Meng Zhi knows better than to argue with Mei Changsu, because he will lose. Instead, he nods. “Then that’s what I will do. Because you are my damn fool, and I love you.”

He kisses his forehead and pretends he doesn’t hear Xiao Su whimper against his skin, or shake with soft cries, or feel the wetness of his tears.

Nothing is ever certain, as the events of the past week have made clear, but Meng Zhi is planning a whole life together with his beloved and he will challenge any fate or god who tries to take it from him.