9. Chapter 9

Mei Changsu treats Meng Zhi like glass after the Xuan Jing Bureau showdown, and Meng Zhi treats him like he’s the chief of the Jiangzou Alliance.

He prays to Yin Yin’s memorial, asking for her help in holding his heart at bay, but she does not answer his entreaties for a change.

Politics have shifted radically in the palace and while Prince Jing is not yet recognized as the next crown prince, most betting going on in the city sits heavily on “soon.” It means there is a lot going on behind the scenes, only a small portion of which Meng Zhi knows about or understands, so it is easy to keep his distance from his beloved. He ignores Mei Changsu’s gentle but polite requests to join him for dinner or trips into the city yet is careful to report all palace gossip he overhears and any significant staff changes going on with the eunuchs.

It is only a few weeks later when Prince Jing sends over a servant with an invitation for Meng Zhi’s household to join the spring hunt the following month. Meng Zhi was going anyway, as the commander of the Imperial Guard, but he is very pleased that he will be allowed to bring his family with him. It is an honor to be invited, and it will be a great pleasure to spend time out in the wilderness with Mei Changsu and their sons when he can. He’s already planning on taking the boys to a small lake for fishing and thinking that maybe he can commandeer a cart to bring Mei Changsu along, as he really needs to be out in the fresh air more than he is. Despite the distance between them, he can’t help but be excited about the opportunity to be with his family altogether and it’s not until Li Gang is going over logistics with him that he realizes the implications.

Outside of that one night after the Grand Empress Dowager’s death, he and Mei Changsu have never slept together. On such a trip as the Spring Hunt, though, married couples are expected to share a tent even if they normally keep separate rooms at home. He and Mei Changsu will be sleeping together for several weeks.

He knows nothing untoward will happen. Mei Changsu has drawn those lines clearly and Meng Zhi respects them. He’s still full of anticipation, though, for the mere proximity over a longer period. Mei Changsu’s heart belongs to another, but for now Meng Zhi is the sworn protector and guardian of the man himself and decides that he will take the scraps he’s given and even delight in them, as minor as they are.

He did not expect the nightmares.

He should have, he realizes during their first night as they lay near each other but not touching. Dr. Yan gives Mei Changsu a sedative nearly every night, if he thinks he’s strong enough to take one. Meng Zhi thought it was for some form of insomnia, but no, he discovers by their second night together. It is nightmares. Horrible, recurring, terrifying nightmares.

Meng Zhi suffers through them the first couple nights and let’s Mei Changsu thrash around until he wakes up, covered in sweat and refusing to talk about it. The third night, when Mei Changsu starts shifting and whispering in terror, Meng Zhi simply pulls him into his embrace, hugging him tightly. It is a liberty he is taking, and surely Mei Changsu will eviscerate him in the morning, but Meng Zhi needs sleep as much as Mei Changsu does.

He wakes up at dawn, as usual, but with a very unusual lump of a person sprawled out over him. He’s on his back with Mei Changsu curled up around him, legs tangled and his head tucked under Meng Zhi’s chin, soundly and peacefully asleep.

He knows Mei Changsu sleeps late in the morning, but he cannot figure out how to escape his hold without waking him. It is a problem he wishes he could enjoy for the rest of his life, but then shoves that thought aside.

“Changsu, I need to get up,” he says softly. Mei Changsu mumbles nonsense and clings more tightly.

Meng Zhi vividly remembers one morning, when he was a young man and serving as a very low ranking officer in the Chiyan Army, watching Marshal Lin drag his fourteen year old colt of a son through the camp by his foot. Lin Shu scrambled to escape while yelling at top volume that he was awake even though he was still in bed clothes. It gives Meng Zhi an idea.

“Shu-er, let me up! Let me up or I will drag you through the camp!”

“Hate you!” Lin Shu snaps, still half asleep, and rolls away.

Chuckling, Meng Zhi finally escapes their bed and starts his day.

And that’s it. Mei Changsu says nothing to him about it, and the next night when the nightmares start, Meng Zhi once again pulls his husband into his arms and comforts him until his sleep is tranquil. They wake up well rested and tangled together; Mei Changsu curses him for waking him up before rolling over to go back to sleep; Meng Zhi starts his day.

Prince Jing hovers around Mei Changsu when he can, but he is busy with his responsibilities as a prince, leading hunts and participating in competitions and catering to his father’s whims.

And then, less than a week into the retreat, Consort Jing somehow manages to arrange a meeting with Mei Changsu.

Mei Changsu takes the invitation like a man being sent to his execution, much to Prince Jing’s confusion and suspicion. In fact, Prince Jing has been eyeing Mei Changsu suspiciously since they arrived. Meng Zhi is certain that the prince is one half-step away from figuring out who Mei Changsu really is, and is hoping this meeting with Consort Jing will resolve the whole mess.

He lurks, not so subtly, as the meeting happens. Prince Jing is sent out of Consort Jing’s tent halfway through but, like him, hovers close by, glaring at Meng Zhi suspiciously.

Seeing the way Mei Changsu staggers when he leaves Consort Jing’s tent, Meng Zhi has no doubts whatsoever that she has recognized her nephew. Prince Jing sails back into the tent with his back straight and radiating frustration. Meng Zhi rushes to his husband’s side and says nothing, simply helps him back to their own tent, insisting that he lay down and kicking the boys out to go play somewhere else .

“Their lessons—”

“Can wait, Xiao Su. You look like you will collapse from the slightest breeze. Rest.”

Mei Changsu looks up at him, forlorn and lost. The traces of Lin Shu are there in moments like this, his skin pulling over bone and muscles in just a way to suggest the rounder jaw he used to have. “She knows.”

“I thought she would. You were the only one foolish enough to think you could escape her inspection.” He sits down on their bed and gently rubs Mei Changsu’s chest. If he develops a cough he’ll be bedridden for the rest of the trip, and a sickly Mei Changsu is a cranky, grumpy Mei Changsu. Meng Zhi wants to ward that off for all their sakes.

“She...she cried.” Mei Changsu is completely horrified by the idea of it.

“Of course she did,” Meng Zhi says with a shrug. Why wouldn’t she? He did, when he first discovered that Lin Shu had survived. Then he cried again when he found out the cost of survival.

“Of...course?” Mei Changsu asks incredulously, then closes his eyes. “Of course. I am worthy of pity, after all.”

Meng Zhi pauses. “Are you dense?”

Mei Changsu rallies at that insult, eyes sliding over to glare at him through his own tears. “I am not.”

“Then stop acting like it. She does not pity you, any more than I do. We love you. We love you with all our hearts. We cry because you are alive, and we cry because your health is so precarious that we fear for your survival.”

His eyes slide away at that, and oh, Meng Zhi is starting to recognize when Mei Changsu is hiding truths from him . Something dire about his health, which Meng Zhi has suspected for over a year now. But he puts that fear aside for the moment.

“Everyone cries for the dead, but sometimes we also cry for the living.” He runs a thumb over Mei Changsu’s cheek, just under his eye, catching tears. “We cry for those we love.”

Mei Changsu grabs Meng Zhi’s hand and threads their fingers together, a show of affection so unlike him that Meng Zhi can’t muster the will to pull away like he should. Mei Changsu squeezes with all his might — which is not much, and easy to endure — and Meng Zhi thinks for a brief, bizarre moment that Mei Changsu is going to kiss his fingers, but at the last moment he simply let’s their joined hands rest on his chest. He stares at Meng Zhi, something deep and complex reflected in his tired eyes, as if he is studying Meng Zhi intently for...something.

Mei Changsu blinks and the moment is broken. Meng Zhi smiles and uses his other hand to rub Mei Changsu’s arm. The man really is moments from sleep.

He turns his face away and separates their hands, pulling his arm beneath the blanket before he takes a deep breath. “At least Jingyan is still in the dark.”

“You know how I feel about that,” Meng Zhi grumbles, tucking him in. And anyway, after this show down with Consort Jing, the prince’s suspicions will no doubt only strengthen.

“He must not know!”

“Sure, sure. I’ve promised not to tell him, haven’t I?”

Mei Changsu nods with relief. “I know I can trust you,” Mei Changsu says as if imparting a great secret.

“Of course you can, Chief.”

Mei Changsu frowns.

“Get some sleep,” Meng Zhi says after a moment’s silence. Meng Zhi has seen him this tired before, and knows he will likely drop off to sleep halfway through a sentence.

“Why have you been pushing me away?” Mei Changsu asks, so exhausted from the stress of the afternoon that he’s slurring his words.

“You know why, Mei Changsu.”

“I needed you to trust me.”

“You used my affection for you in order to get your way. I know why you did it and why you felt you had no choice. But it is not something I can brush aside.”

“But I didn’t .”

Meng Zhi is not going to lose his temper over this matter, not now when they are getting along well again, and not when Mei Changsu is on the bitter edge of exhaustion. He inhales deeply but only shakes his head in response.

“Don’t you know, Ah-Zhi? How can you not know, you oblivious—”

“I know, Xiao Su, believe me, I know your feelings for Prince Jing. I have no blinders on. Shhh,” he puts his fingers over Mei Changsu’s shocked-open mouth. “We’re good, between us. I promise you that. Sleep for now. I told Lin Shen I will roast that bird he took down this morning, so we will have dinner together later with our sons. Hmmm?” He smiles and gently kisses Mei Changsu’s forehead. “Sleep until then.”

Mei Changsu mumbles again in outrage but it is muted and incoherent. Meng Zhi stays until he has dropped off into uneasy slumber. There will be nightmares from this, no doubt. He only hopes that Mei Changsu gets the rest he needs.