10. Chapter 10

Unfortunately, there is no rest for Mei Changsu or, for that matter, anyone. Zhen Ping shows up with the disturbing news of Prince Yu’s rebellion and from that point on it is a frenzy of preliminary battles and, once the emperor is informed of the situation, moving the entire camp to the winter hunting lodge and setting up defenses.

Preparing for battle is a world Meng Zhi knows well, and as they all stand over the map talking tactics he falls back into familiar habits.

So does Lin Shu.

It’s not until he’s pointing Prince Jing’s sword at the map that Mei Changsu registers what he’s done. Even with a courtesy title, he’s still a commoner, and taking a prince’s sword from him would result in execution in most situations. But Prince Jing is as shocked by the familiar gesture as Mei Changsu, who immediately starts muttering out humble excuses.

Meng Zhi rolls his eyes at them, which thankfully neither man notices.

---

Prince Jing has to ride for Ji City, which leaves Meng Zhi in charge of everything else at Mount Jiu An. It gives him a very clear view of just how hopeless the situation is.

Meng Zhi always expected to lose Mei Changsu, but he thought it would be due to the love of Prince Jing. Or, at worst, to Mei Changsu’s early death.

He never actually considered that he was going to die first and leave his beloved behind.

That is the only result of this madness, he thinks, as they ready the hunting lodge for a massive military strike to bear down on them like an axe. Prince Yu has 50,000 men and Meng Zhi has 3,000, and while the Imperial Guards are elite forces he himself has spent years training, numbers don’t lie. It’s a suicide mission for him and his men, and they all know it. He’s proud of their determination and grieves at the thought of how many will die in what any sane person would admit is a lost cause.

He watches Prince Jing get ready to ride out to Ji City. It will be a long, hard trip that will probably kill at least one horse along the way, but it’s the only hope they have to survive.

Meng Zhi stops for a moment, realizing that his luck has run out. He’s on the front lines, and he is going to die protecting the emperor and his own family in order to give Prince Jing the time he needs to deliver reinforcements.

He walks over to the prince and motions for his attention. “May we speak privately, your highness?”

Prince Jing glances at his men, but then nods and steps away from his horse. “Is something bothering you?”

“Aside from all of this?” Meng Zhi sighs, looking around. Prince Jing huffs a small chuckle, appreciating the resigned humor of military men the world over.

“Chances are good I will not survive this battle, your highness.”

Prince Jing is too familiar with war to argue and simply nods.

“I ask...I ask you to take care of my husband — my family — in that event.”

“Mei Changsu is a valued supporter, Commander. I will see to his safety and—”

“No no, you don’t understand. I wish you to take him into your family. I wish you to take him into the palace. If I die.”

Prince Jing rears back. “What?”

“He will be an excellent consort for you, I promise!” Meng Zhi looks around, trying to sort his words. “I think you already know that the palace is where he belongs.”

“What are you saying?” Prince Jing straightens up, eyes flashing.

“I cannot say anything. I made a promise, and I will keep it. But I also cannot stand by and watch the two of you torture each other like this, when the solution is so obvious. My death will clear the way for you both.”

Prince Jing flinches, fury rising with his blush. “Are you insinuating that I have designs on your husband, Commander Meng? Tread carefully with your answer.” His hand falls to the hilt of his sword as punctuation.

Meng Zhi considers his options. He is not clever enough for this kind of verbal sparring, and he genuinely does not want to be run through by his own liege’s sword for offending his honor. He is grateful that Prince Jing is, at least, one who is willing to wait out his prey but in the end Meng Zhi must always fall back on honesty.

“That was not my intent, your highness. I am only trying to get you to stop second-guessing what you know to be true! I cannot tell you the truth or verify your suspicions, but—” He stops and turns over his thoughts, then carefully reaches out and taps the hilt of the prince’s sword with one finger. Prince Jing’s eyes start to slowly, slowly, widen in shock.

“I can tell you this: Mei Changsu chose me as his husband for the sole purpose of gaining legal entrance to Jinling. Ours is...it is not the kind of marriage I first led you to believe. We are only friends.” He leans in closely, more so than is proper for a prince of Jingyan’s standing. “We have been friends for a very long time. His heart lies elsewhere, and always has. ” He stops there, because to go further would be to reveal what he has sworn he will not, at least any more than this.

Prince Jing looks as if he is the one who has been run through. His mouth is ajar in a most unbecoming fashion, for a prince, and his eyes are wide. Meng Zhi thinks that for a heartbreaking moment Prince Jing once more looks like the 19 year old boy who just heard of his best friend’s execution.

Meng Zhi steps back. “It has been hard to watch my Xiao Shu live within this cold web of lies he must spin.”

“...Xiao... Shu…?” Prince Jing whispers, his body wavering where he stands.

“Oh, did I say Shu? I meant Xiao Su, of course. What an unfortunate slip of the tongue!” He steps back. “Your highness, I must beg your leave, I have other work to attend to. I ask only that you consider my request carefully.” He bows. “Ride fast, ride safe. Our prayers are with you.” He then makes the brave choice of leaving without waiting for permission. He can’t push the matter any further and he wasn’t lying about having a lot of work to do.

---

Meng Zhi has half a mind to offer himself in marriage to General Mu. He would have to get in line, though, as it is likely that every man still standing probably feels the same way since she showed up, bringing enough troops to give them a breather until Prince Jing and his reinforcements appeared to put a definitive end to the battle.

He is honestly surprised he’s alive to appreciate the general or anyone. There were close calls and the final tally for their dead is well over 50%. Good men, every one of them, and Meng Zhi will be spending a lot of time and money arranging memorials and helping their families.

His own family is safe, which he briefly checked for himself as soon as he could. Mei Changsu looks exhausted (still), and his younger boys are both rattled by the violence around them. Fei Liu is herding them (and Tengsheng) protectively away from the worst of the carnage, though, like the good older brother he does not appear to be but always is.

Meng Zhi doesn’t think anything of it when he sees Prince Jing and Princess Nihuang walking off together in conference with Mei Changsu. There is organizing and planning to be done, and Meng Zhi has to escort the emperor to view Prince Yu (which he is not looking forward to at all), so it is natural that those three leaders would pool resources.

It isn’t until he walks into his small suite of rooms in the lodge late that night, still caked with blood and mud and sweat, that he realizes something is wrong.

Mei Changsu is staring at him with blazing eyes that are bloodshot, as if he has been crying all day.

“Lu Yuan? Lin Shen?” He looks around, panicked. Had one of the boys gotten hurt? Surely someone would have come for him if—

“You told Jingyan,” Mei Changsu hisses, enraged.

“I did not.” He settles himself on his feet, knowing this is as close to actual combat the two of them will ever come. “The prince obviously figured it out for himself, which I told you would happen.”

Mei Changsu stalks up to him and pokes him in his chest, which is not effective because Meng Zhi is still in his armor. “He cornered Nihuang and me earlier. He told us that he knows who I am.”

“Did he tell you that I revealed that fact to him?”

“No! No.” Mei Changsu shakes his head, looking like a cat ready to pounce on him and bite. “No, he told me something much more incriminating.”

Meng Zhi frowns.

“He told me that you asked him to take me into the palace if you die. That, I quote, ‘he belongs in the palace.’”

“Oh. That. Well, yes, I did ask him that. As is my right, as master of the house, to arrange for your future in the event of my death. Which, need I remind you, was looking very likely at that point.” He shrugs, tries to look innocent, and starts tugging ineffectively at the buckles to his armor. “I do not see how that would make him figure out that you are Lin Shu.”

Mei Changsu actually growls like a beast, then reaches out with claw like hands and grabs his face.

“Mei Changsu! What?” Meng Zhi squawks and tries to back away.

Mei Changsu does not let go of his face, though, holding on with surprising strength as he pants for breath. Meng Zhi can only remove him with violent force, which he will not use on his husband, who surely knows that fact.

“You were going to pass me on like so much furniture? Gift me to Jingyan like a concubine, bought and paid for?” He steps up even closer. “You let him figure out who I am so he would agree to your request!”

Which is...is not entirely untrue. It must show in his expression — Mei Changsu reacts like a cornered animal, baring his teeth, and Meng Zhi is not sure what to do. He grasps Mei Changsu’s forearms.

“It is my job to provide for your security in life! In this life and the next! What would you have me do, Xiao Su? What?”

“You have no right!”

Meng Zhi feels like growling right back at him. “I have every right! I am your husband and I love you ! Both facts you know to be true!”

“How can you love me?” Mei Changsu is not shouting, but he could be for all the fierceness to his words. “How? I am a wretch! I am weak! How—”

“Of course I do! How could I not?” Meng Zhi feels tears in his eyes but he will not give in. He will not back down. “You are brilliant and beautiful! You are loyal! You love our sons, and you are the most filial son to your family’s memory, you—”

“Shut up! Shut up!” Mei Changsu hisses, his fingers digging into Meng Zhi’s face.

“You are kind and generous! You have the heart of a warrior and the mind of a god! There is nothing I do not love about you!”

“No!”

“I would never give you up if I have the choice. But if I must, then as your husband I would not settle for anyone less than Prince Jing. No one less deserves you!”

Mei Changsu finally breaks eye contact, looking away, his expression one of pure panic and desperation, which Meng Zhi does not understand at all.

“Xiao Su, please listen to me,” he says softly, as if taming a wild animal. “I am so privileged to be married to you, and I will die in shame before I dishonor the promise I made to care for you. I will not apologize for doing what I had to do — as master of our house, as a man who loves you with all of my heart — to protect your future.”

Mei Changsu turns to look at him and stares deeply into his eyes. “You have always taken this marriage as valid, as a real thing—”

He nods. “Of course.”

Mei Changsu fingers spasm. “Do you have any understanding of what that means to me?”

“It doesn’t it mean anything to you, and I know that full well!” Meng Zhi finally pulls Mei Changsu’s hands off his face but tightens his hold on his arms, locking him in place. He can’t even enjoy the look of shock on Mei Changsu’s face, his own bitterness overflowing and breaking through his exhaustion.

“But don’t you understand what it means to me? After I have told you, again and again! I love you, Mei Changsu, and I want nothing more than to know you are happy and secure. You think I don’t know the truth of your feelings for him? You think I asked this of Prince Jing on a whim? The fact is that had I died, his obligation to you would have been minimal, even if he kept you on as his strategist, even if he does love you. But if he knew that you are Lin Shu, if he knew , he could never see you anywhere but in the palace with him. Where you want to be.” He tosses his hands free, letting go of Xiao Su, and walks over to the wall to press his forehead against it. “I didn’t tell him, I swear to you I didn’t. But yes, I encouraged him to draw his own conclusions. I did not steer him off the path he was on, because all I cared about was securing your future with him. Don’t you understand?” He’s pleading, now, although for understanding or forgiveness, he’s not sure.

Mei Changsu is mostly quiet behind him, breathing heavily but not speaking or moving. Meng Zhi takes a deep breath to calm his wretched heart before speaking again.

“It has been a long, terrible three days. I have slept little and killed many. I am sore. There is no hot water to spare, it is needed by the doctors for their patients.” And the emperor, who never goes without, but he does not say that. “I know I am just a pawn to you but dearest Xiao Su, I am very tired right now. I simply want—” He stops, feeling Mei Changsu’s hands on him.

Buckles are undone and armor slipped off of him while he stands there, still with his forehead against the cool stonework. He is slowly undressed by hands that know how to break armor down, even if they are barely strong enough anymore to carry the heavy bronze and leather pieces to the side table. He sucks in a breath when he feels Mei Changsu crouch down behind him and untie the straps of his boots, unlacing and pulling until they are thrown aside. He uses Meng Zhi’s body as a support to stand back up, takes a moment to catch his breath, then gently turns Meng Zhi around to face him.

“I have sent the boys to Consort Jing. The emperor is too busy to bother her. She will watch them tonight, and ease their fears.” He starts to untie the knots of his belt. “I remember the first time Jingyan came back from battle. His first kill. He was distraught, in his own reserved way. I took him to Auntie Jing and told her that I was upset about what he had done, that I was scared he was going to die in battle.” He chuckles as he starts pulling the layers of Meng Zhi’s robes off of him. “I was not lying, but she knew full well that it was Jingyan who was the most upset. She fed us pastries that, I am now certain, were laced with sedatives. We fell asleep on top of each other in her private parlour.”

“Are you saying your aunt is drugging our sons, as we speak?” Meng Zhi can’t help but smile as he is led to over to the bed.

Mei Changsu tips his head back and forth. “Perhaps. She is crafty. It runs in the family.” He takes something from a basket and then crawls onto the bed behind him and starts taking down Meng Zhi’s hair.

“Xiao Su—” Meng Zhi whispers, overcome by the intimacy of the act. “Please, don’t—”

“I tell you that story because I want you to know how close I am — was — to Jinyan. We were brothers. He still thinks of Lin Shu that way.” He ruffles Meng Zhi’s hair as it cascades freely, then starts combing it. “I still think of him that way.”

“Brothers,” Meng Zhi says with disbelief.

“Mmm. Brothers.” For a time they are quiet while Mei Changsu combs out his hair, carefully working it to spill down Meng Zhi’s back. Meng Zhi drifts under the gentle ministrations, his mind going naturally into a familiar meditative state.

Eventually Xiao Su pauses, and then Meng Zhi feels fingers trace over his throat, making him shudder. Xiao Su palms the nape of his neck, holding Meng Zhi in place like a dog. He couldn’t move if he tried, he thinks, trembling.

“How do you not know how much it hurt to leave you out there, fighting without me? How hard it was to stay in the main hall, awaiting word of your death?” He pushes at Meng Zhi’s neck until he is bowed over his own knees, tears being forced out of his eyes as his body starts shaking, his hair falling like a veil hiding him from the world. “How? How do you not know how important you are to me?” Xiao Su curls over his back, resting on him, his light bodyweight holding him down. He shifts to wrap his arms around Meng Zhi’s torso and lay his head on a shoulder blade.

“How in the hell do you not know how much I love you, Meng Zhi?”

Meng Zhi cries.

He cries for the words he’s wanted to hear for so long from his beloved, he cries for all the good men who died, he cries for the soldiers led to their destruction by Prince Yu’s deception, he cries for the injured men still bleeding in the makeshift infirmary. He cries for being alive, and he cries for the nightmares of war his sons will live with.

He puts his hands over Xiao Su’s embrace and sobs, forehead pressed against his knees, until he can barely breathe anymore. He has not cried after battle like this in years, but then, he’s never been in a battle before that seemed so hopeless going in.

Eventually he feels empty, as if the very marrow of his bones has been scooped out. Soft and pliable, he lets Xiao Su push him around until he’s settled in bed, under the covers. Xiao Su gets up and moves around the room slowly, piling up their robes for servants to sort out later and putting out candles. Meng Zhi remembers that even the oil from the oil lamps had been confiscated to use in battle. They had thrown everything they had at Prince Yu’s army and even still barely survived before being rescued.

“Shhhh, stop thinking, my love.” Soft fingers stroke his browline. He feels Xiao Su scoot into bed so he reaches out and pulls him close before his mind finally drifts away into slumber.