6. Steak And Cream 6

Ben left the door open and Luo Fei did not close it.

If there is one thing she has learned about both of these men, it is that they are rarely careless in their actions. Awkward, often — but careless? Almost never.

Still, she hesitates at the threshold, listening to Luo Fei falling into his favorite chair with a loud thud. It’s quiet then, so she tip-toes into the apartment, softly closing the door in her wake. She stops at the entry to the living room, and works not to shuffle back and forth on her feet like a guilty child.

Ben is standing with his arms crossed, right in the vee of Luo Fei’s legs where he is sprawled down in his chair. It’s a position he would never take himself, but Xiaoman suspects it is how he landed when Ben tossed him down. Ben is so close to the chair that his shins are set against the front of it, bracketed by Luo Fei’s thighs. Luo Fei has his neck craned to look up at Ben, one eyebrow raised in challenge, although he has shut his mouth tight.

Neither of them look at her, even though they certainly know she is there.

“There is no need for this. I have been here the whole time,” Luo Fei says after the silence has dragged on.

“I know. Su Su told me.” Ben doesn’t move other than to speak.

Luo Fei opens and closes his mouth a few times before rallying. “Spying on me!”

Ben glances at the ceiling, as if asking all the deities he could name for help. “Of course.”

“No need,” Fou Fei repeats, petulantly, and glares at the opposite wall.

“Yes, because you are handling this crisis of conscience so well.”

“You are aware of my reasons, Ben Jie Ming,” Luo Fei says, sharp and angled.

Sighing, Ben lets his arms drop and gets down on one knee, propping one arm on Luo Fei’s thigh and the other across his own. “Luo Fei.”

Luo Fei breaks the stare down to glance over at her .

“Luo Fei,” Ben repeats, crooning the words softly. “We take so many risks. What is one more?”

Luo Fei shakes his head and Xiaoman is struck by the fact that he’s speechless. He has no words, this man who can out-think and out-talk everyone he has ever met.

“Why am I a risk?” She says, because she’s not dumb, and she knows this is about her.

Luo Fei drops his head until his chin rests on his chest.

“I won’t tell anyone! Ben knows that. Why don’t you?” She can’t stop the hurt in her voice. Yes, she loves him — she love them , like a fool — but she is not vindictive nor cruel. She would never punish them for her broken heart. She would never endanger either of them, in fact she would take every suffering on her own shoulders to spare them pain. How can Luo Fei not see that?

Ben sighs and stands up, moving over to her. He picks up one of her hands and holds it lightly, as if it were made of glass, and smiles kindly. “He knows that.”

“But—”

“Shhh.” Ben puts a finger over her lips and it shocks her enough that she freezes. “This is not entirely about you.” He studies her face for a while. “May I ask a favor?”

She furrows her brow, confused, but nods. “Anything.”

“If I asked, would you — for me — kiss Luo Fei?”

Her jaw drops and Luo Fei barks in outrage.

She pulls her hand out of Ben’s hold. “He does not want me to kiss him, so no, I would not do that, even if you asked.” She looks up into his eyes, trying to get him to understand. “Not even for you, Ben Jie Ming,” she adds with a whisper.

He nods, as if he expected as much. “You are true to your word,” he says with the sound of satisfaction. Another test then; she sighs.

Then he ducks his head and gives her a shy smile. “But now I ask this: may I kiss you?”

Luo Fei lets out a wretched moan and buries his face in his hands. While Xiaoman’s mouth opens and closes, Ben looks over at Luo Fei. “You get no say in this matter, after the last few weeks. Stay in the chair, or else.”

“Ben,” Luo Fei croaks.

She pauses to study him for a moment as a thought occurs to her. “Do you even want me to kiss you? Would you enjoy it at all?”

He looks surprised at the question, but honors her by considering it. Then he nods again. “Not normally, not...otherwise.” The smirk is back. “I rarely have any taste for cream, but…” He gestures toward Luo Fei.

“Steak! Ah!” Luo Fei perks up. “Innuendo! Now I get it!”

Ben chuckles, but keeps his focus on her.

She narrows her eyes. “Are you doing this to punish him?”

Ben tips his head and his smile slides into a pleased smirk. “As I’ve said before: you see so much of us, Xiaoman.” He nods. “Yes.”

She glances at Luo Fei who is still hiding his face from her, from them . “That will hurt him too.”

He shoves his hands in his pockets, and if he weren’t so tall, he’d look like a gangly schoolboy, rocking on the balls of his feet. “He agreed long ago that I have the authority to punish him, when no one else does.”

Huh. She’s not sure how to parse that. Is Ben the husband, here? That...that doesn’t seem right. She peers up at him. “We did have a case, you know. We were busy all night at headquarters.”

“That’s a separate matter.” He flips a hand as if dismissing that infraction. “This is about the past few weeks.”

She peers up at him. “You said he told you to leave him alone. Now you are punishing him for that?”

He beams at her. “No.”

She shrugs as theatrically as she can. “And?”

“Xiaoman,” Ben starts, then pauses, visibly collecting his thoughts. He waves a hand over at Luo Fei. “He’s isolated himself from us. He demanded that I stay away from him, and resolved to have nothing to do with you whenever possible. I agreed to that much, as I thought he would last a few days. But he pulled away completely, for weeks. He also neglected his health and general well being by eating irregularly and, I suspect, sleeping little.”

Luo Fei is confirming all of this by the way he cringes at every accusation.

“He perhaps stopped short of his worst excesses, but he put me — us — in a position where we could not stop him if he tried. I let him drag this out too long.” He clucks like a grandmother.

“His...his worst excesses?” She feels the horror in her bones. “Do you...oh, no! Do you mean—oh no!”

Ben looks at her in confusion.

“I am not a drug addict!” Luo Fei shouts from the chair.

Ben rolls his eyes heavenward again. “No, you’re a masochist.”

Luo Fei groans loudly while Xiaoman processes that. She is familiar with the concept, as it was covered in a class at the academy on “modern criminal psychology and perversions,” but it is not something she expected to trip over like this.

Suddenly his claims at the tea shop make so much more sense. “Oh!” She points at Ben. “Then won’t he enjoy being punished?”

She looks between the two men who are now staring at her as if she grew a second head.

Ben crosses his arms then props his chin in one hand. “You’re not upset by that?”

They are waiting for her to run, or cry out in horror? These men are so exasperating, she thinks, so reaches out to grab Ben’s face in her hands, and pulls him close. He clearly thinks she is going to give him his kiss, but she tightens her grip and stops him short of the mark. She gently rubs her nose against his then lets him go.

He looks slightly stunned by it, a slow, pleased smile spreading over his face.

There is so much they aren’t telling her, but she accepts that too. They will be her friends, she hopes, no matter their secrets. But if she is to be nothing more than a pawn in these games between them, then at least she will get a kiss. She will get that much to take to her grave. “I will kiss you, if you ask.”

Luo Fei looks pole axed but Ben’s smile turns soft and fond. “Will you give me a kiss, Qin Xiaoman?”

She nods.

He steps in closer then takes hold of her upper arms to keep her still as he leans down. He pauses at the first brush of their lips, skin so soft and warm, before pressing his mouth against hers. He is surprisingly awkward at first, a mirror of their first (and only) handshake. His head is angled too little and his lips too flat, but when she reaches up to place her hands firmly on either side of his waist, as she imagines Luo Fei might, he hums softly and relaxes into it.

Xiaoman has not had many lovers, but she knows what she likes, so she lets her mouth open just enough to dart her tongue out to taste him, and that changes everything. With a sharp inhale his hands tighten on her arms and he yanks her into him, his whole body curled over and around her, and...yes, this is how Luo Fei feels when Ben kisses him, this is exactly what it feels like to have Ben wrapped around you and holding you up as he kisses like a man starving only for you.

The kiss lingers until Xiaoman feels like she might faint from lack of oxygen, their lips slick and sliding together, their tongues tangling, their shared breaths turning the air humid around them. She feels his manhood against her hip, the pressure like a brand through her clothes, but they both keep their bodies still. It would be so easy, she thinks, to rock against him, to try to push this passion further, but that is not what he wants, and not what this is. She places her hands on his chest and gently shoves him back, steps away, breathless, and tries to get her bearings.

Ben’s mouth is open and he is gulping for air. Luo Fei is nearly ripping the leather of the chair’s armrest, his grip white-knuckled as he stares over at them, but he has not moved otherwise. His eyes are obsidian black in the dim light of the room, sparkling with a roil of rage, fear, and lust.

She has never wanted anyone more than she wants him right now.

But she’s done what she set out to do and she has gotten at least a small bite of the meal she craves. She nods, straightens her shirt, and inhales deeply before taking another step backwards. She will not cry, and she will not beg, and she will walk out of here with her dignity. “I will always be a friend to both of you. But now that you’ve played your games with me, I’m leaving.”

Ben gasps, shock fluttering over his face, but it’s Luo Fei who jumps up and runs across the room, his momentum strong enough that he can’t stop when he gets to her and they collide with the door.

He pins her against it, his forearms braced next to her head. He is intensely focused on her, a case to solve, and it is everything she ever wanted. It is cruel, she thinks, failing to pull herself together to shove him off of her as she knows she should.

“What if I said yes? What if I said yes , Xiaoman?” His eyes are wide and frantic, looking over her face for his answer.

She’s still gasping for air, the shock of his desperate plea short-circuiting her brain, hardly recovered from Ben’s kiss. It takes her a moment to know what he is saying “yes” to but then she nods — just barely, just enough to give permission for Luo Fei to press up against her even harder, caging her with his whole body. Before she can take another breath he is kissing her, raw and wet, his tongue running along the seam of her lips until she opens for him too. His chest rumbles with his groans and she feels it all the way into her heart. Her arms are already around his waist, clutching at his waistcoat, spasming when he shoves one thigh in between her legs to press up against her most intimate places.

And then he is gone, shouting “Hey! Hey! Hey!” as Ben drags him off her and wraps his arms around him, holding him to his chest and resting his chin on Luo Fei’s shoulder.

“Shhh. Shhh,” Ben whispers, his eyes boring into Xiaoman’s. Luo Fei goes still. They all stand that way, gathering their wits, Ben’s arms like bands around Luo Fei. Finally, Luo Fei sighs, tips his head back to rest on Ben’s shoulder, and closes his eyes. Ben murmurs “Good,” kissing his neck softly before looking at her again, the question clear in his eyes.

Luo Fei lowers his head and then he, too, is looking at her. She feels stripped down to her soul by them. Luo Fei brings his hands up to rest them on Ben’s forearms.

“You see us, like this? This is what we are,” Luo Fei says, his eyes betraying fear and uncertainty under his bravado.

She hears his real plea: Will she take them both?

They are as dangerous to each other as they are to her, in this matter. As dangerous as she is to them. But, they are a pair, loyal and in love and determined to be together, despite their proclivities and desires.

Ben is staring at her as if her can read her mind, but Luo Fei still looks guarded.

“But is there room for me, there?” She points at them, refusing to let her eyes water.

Lou Fei reaches out carefully and grabs her upper arms where Ben had held her earlier, then slowly drags her to his chest. She lets him, and ends up in his embrace even as he is held in Ben’s, her head on his shoulder, Ben’s cheek pressed to the top of her head.

“You are already here, Xiaoman. Stay?” Lou Fei whispers, his uncertainty betrayed by the catch in his voice.

She wants to stay, with all of her heart. She wants them to want her, to love her, as much as they do each other. And maybe they do? Maybe she has misunderstood so much that she has not been seeing the bright signs of their affections.

Maybe.

If they make room for her, though, she decides that it will be as an equal or not at all. She looks away, out of the window, where morning becomes bright. “I will not be a second wife to any man.”

Luo Fei actually laughs, a bitter and broken sound, but Ben nods seriously. “No. You will not.” He smiles as he shoves them so hard that their resulting crash rattles the door and knocks the breath out of them. “In which case we have matters to settle.”

“We do?” Xiaoman pushes Luo Fei off of her as they try to sort themselves out, too many elbows in the way.

Ben nods, pointing at Luo Fei. “Put him in the chair.” He stops, smiles wickedly at her. “Please.”

“Uh, what? No more kissing?” Luo Fei stammers as Xiaoman grabs his arm and hauls him away.