18. Expecting Trouble

"Oh my GOD! Phil, make them stop!" Clint splashed coffee on himself as he gestured toward the living room floor.

Phil looked up from his tablet (because he was a nerd who checked his work email on Saturday morning) and wrinkled his nose. At Clint. "Don't be a prude. They're just dogs."

"Boy dogs! Who are fixed! Oh god." Clint covered his eyes.

"You could make the same argument about us," Phil said, the tone of his voice as dry as a desert.

"Speak for yourself! Stevie! Stop that!" Clint yelled in the general direction where Stevie was mounted on Bucky, humping happily with his tongue hanging out.

"Leave them alone. Stevie hasn't done anything like this in years, it's just a flashback. As long as Bucky's not complaining, let him get it out of his system." Phil calmly took a sip of his coffee as if his dogs were not being filthy perverts having public sex in the living room.

"Don't look!" Clint grabbed Donut from her perch on the back of the couch and held her to his chest, hiding her face with his hand. "This is emotionally upsetting for her to see."

"You are being ridiculous. She's a cat, they are dogs. She doesn't care, and neither should you." Phil studied Clint over the edge of the coffee mug.

Clint dared a glance back to where Stevie was pumping away on a pleasantly dazed Bucky. "Nope, can't deal. Going to the small range." Clint headed to the back of their apartment, which had a narrow practice range set up for Clint to use when he didn't want much of a challenge.

"It's not any different than what we were doing on the couch last night!" Phil called after him, because he was just as nasty as his dogs, apparently. Not that Clint was going to complain about the sex on the couch, it had been pretty epic. But he always made sure Donut was tucked away somewhere else when they got busy, because there were rules about things like that.

When he got to the range he placed Donut on the padded observation chair Stark had made for her, and soon he was lost in simple shots, aiming his practice bow and zoning out in what was the closest he ever got to meditation. After an hour Phil came and fetched him for breakfast, and their Saturday continued as planned.

Stevie and Bucky slept curled up together for the next 24 hours, but neither Clint nor Phil really thought too much about it.

##

Sort-of-retired veterinarian and former neighbor Dr. Delany was the only vet that Clint trusted with Donut, and by extension, the Howling Cor-mmandos. The old guy was happy to ride in Stark's limousine once a month to check on the animals at Avengers Tower and spend a lot of time flirting with Steve, who either did not know the guy was flirting with him or was so used to being flirted with by everybody that it didn't register. Clint laid even odds on that.

They always fed Dr. Delany when he came over, and Pepper's vested interest as a vicarious pet owner and Stark's new-found territorialism concerning the dogs meant that it was a pretty damn good meal. Lunch always seemed to turn into a "family affair" in the common dining room, with Bruce showing up halfway through the meal as if hoping he could sneak in without anyone noticing.

"Ah! Dr. Banner!" Dr. Delany motioned for Bruce to take a seat near him.

Bruce tried to smile and took the offered chair, helping himself to the food. "Dr. Delany. How are the pets?"

"Oh, just fine! In fact I was getting ready to share the exciting news when you walked in!"

Phil, Bruce and Pepper lowered their forks, but Clint spoke up first. "Exciting news?"

Tony and Steve caught the tone of voice and everyone around them looked worried, even Natasha. In Clint's experience, 'exciting news' never meant good for anyone, especially if you were an Avenger. Which Donut and the Cor-mmandos were by extension, so it stood to reason that everyone would be concerned.

Dr. Delany laughed jovially. "Well! You know, biology isn't an exact science, is it? But, er, I'm afraid I really did drop the ball on this one. The kind of mistake you might make with a baby bird, I suppose, but there it is, you see what you expect to see. Or you don't see, as the case may be." He did look a little sheepish, but still pretty excited.

"What is the news, Dr. Delany?" Phil's jaw muscle twitched, and his grip on the fork was white knuckled. Clint braced for the worst, and even Steve looked ready to fly out of his seat.

"We're expecting!" Delany waved his fork around.

No one moved or said a word for a long moment before Tony (of course) spoke up. "Expecting what, exactly?"

"Puppies!" Delany looked around at the stone-faced audience, his expression going from happy to confused. "Little baby dogs?"

"We know what puppies are, doctor. What we don't know is how three male dogs might deliver them." Phil's voice has hard. He hated surprises, and Clint had to admit, this was a doozy. Unless the old guy had gone senile? Clint could tell that Nat was thinking along the same lines.

"Yes, you see, apparently, ah, Bucky's a girl. A lady, I should say. A very fine, very pregnant lady corgi." Delany nodded along with himself. "I guess when you told me she was a boy, I just…assumed? I kind of wonder how I missed that but there it is. No doubts about it anymore."

"I had no doubts about it previously. Bucky is a male."

Delany shook his head. "No, he's not. She's a female, and she's pregnant."

"They were all fixed. I have the paperwork."

"Sometimes things don't take, you know. Biology moves in mysterious ways." Delany was finally picking up on Phil's displeasure and glanced at Bruce for science-bro solidarity, but Bruce squinted at him in confusion.

Phil tapped the table with a finger. "I've had these dogs for years, doctor. They are neutered male dogs."

Clint leaned over the table. "Could you not use that word?"

Phil glared at him and Clint shut up. He did have a strong sense of self-preservation, no matter what anyone said.

"Wait, wait, wait." Tony leaned back in his chair and folded his arms. "You're saying the formerly male dog we know as Bucky is now a female dog? Who got pregnant? From a male dog who is, obviously, not as neutered as previously thought?"

Delany shrugged. "You told me they were neutered and I assumed from the looks of things and their behavior that it was, indeed, the case. But it's not. I really can't put it any plainer than that."

"Bucky is pregnant?" Steve looked shell-shocked.

"Bucky is not pregnant!" Phil yelled. Everyone stopped and stared at him. He adjusted his tie. "He's not pregnant."

"Argue all you want, son, but in six weeks you're going to have a bloody mess on your hands when she starts popping those babies out." Delany shrugged.

"Ew." Tony wrinkled his nose, and Clint felt the same. "Hold on. JARVIS?"

"Yes sir?"

"Have you logged any…what the hell, okay, I can't believe this is thing now: have you logged any unplanned sex changes in the canine population of the tower lately?"

"Yes sir. Bucky went into heat thee weeks ago, whereupon she was mounted by Stevie exclusively."

"LA LA LA LA!" Clint put his fingers in his ears. Steve looked kind of pale, while everyone one else sat around in shock. By the time Clint took his fingers out of his ears, Tony had found his words again.

"Three weeks ago. Oh, shit."

"Stark?" Phil's voice sliced through the air.

"Three weeks ago was Easter."

"So?"

"Thor and Jane were here. We spent a lot of time, ah, explaining Easter to Thor."

Pepper looked thunderous. "Did you spend a lot of that time on the pre-Christian history of it as a fertility celebration?"

"Maybe?" Tony slouched down in his chair.

"I remember that. Thor ended up pretty tearful and blessed this house with…oh my god." Bruce blanched and stared down at his lap. Tony looked down at his as well.

"Did he say something along the lines of 'be fruitful and multiply'?" Clint asked, not daring to look down at his own dick. He still had a dick, he knew that for a fact, and he was also mostly gay, so he was in the clear. He hoped.

"I…I have to go. Right now, I have to go." Pepper stood up, pale as a ghost, and fled from the room. Steve and Tony stared after her, wearing matching expressions of gape-mouthed shock.

Phil was frozen in place, still clutching his fork, his grim glare focused on Tony. Natasha was staring off into space, clearly counting backwards.

Delany turned to Clint. "This Thor fellow, he's an Ob-Gyn?"

Clint pushed his plate away and face planted on the table.

##

"What are you doing?" Clint stared at Steve as he hooked the leash to Bucky's collar.

Steve stood up while the dogs bounced around their feet. "Going for a walk? Like we do every morning?"

"She's p-r-e-g-n-a-n-t!" Clint hissed, bending down and unhooking the leash.

"I'm pretty sure she knows that, it's not necessary to spell the word out," Steve said, looking pained.

Bucky whined and head-butted Steve's leg in protest at being unleashed, but Clint was unmoved. "No, she's not going on a long run where she will overexert herself and m-i-s-c-a-r-y."

"I think that's supposed to have two 'r's."

"We'll take her for a stroll around the lobby when we get back with the guys." Clint managed to grab Stevie and attach his leash.

"Clint, Dr. Delany said she'd be fine for regular activity as long as we don't stress her."

"Exactly. No stress." Clint nodded, wondering why Steve was having a hard time grasping the issue.

"So, what, you're going to make her a sling like you do for Donut?" Steve smirked.

Clint stopped in his tracks, and Dum Dum took the advantage to plop over his feet. But no, he figured Bucky was a little too heavy for a sling, and all the bouncing around, that couldn't be good for her.

"Clint? No. No, Clint, whatever it is you're thinking, no." Steve held his hands out for Stevie's leash.

"I've got it!"

"No."

##

The next morning, Phil stood in the foyer to their apartment with his coffee cup listing in his hands, staring at Clint and Tony. "I didn't authorize this."

"Psssh. Hardly took any time at all." Tony crouched down and tapped one of the wheels of the stroller.

"Not what I meant."

Clint lifted Bucky into the padded seating area. "It was Steve's idea—"

"No, it really, really wasn't." Steve leaned against the wall, holding the leashes for Dum Dum and Stevie.

"—and it's just for the trip to and from the park. We let her out at the park, she walks around a little, and then we bring her back." Clint pulled the canopy over and zipped up the netting so Bucky wouldn't jump out. She twirled in a circle and then sat down, grinning, ready for her ride.

"This is completely unnecessary." Phil grimaced.

"Oh, what, you want to carry her to the park and back? Didn't think so. This is a perfect."

"The safety specs are better than strollers made for kids." Tony stood up.

"So you just built a doggie stroller in your spare time?" Phil turned toward him, and Tony made an aborted attempt to squirm.

"I had a few pieces of scrap lying around." He lifted a shoulder to shrug off Phil's doubts.

Clint sighed. "Look, she'll get out and get some fresh air. She'll be safe." In the three days since they had found out about Bucky's condition, Clint sometimes felt like he was the only one who was taking it seriously.

"Super safe! Check it out!" Tony leaned forward and hit a button, and the stroller was suddenly encased in red and gold armor. "Bullet and fire proof! Also has a coolant system so she stays in a temperature controlled environment."

From inside the robo-stroller, Bucky let out a muffled series of barks. Tony hit another button and the armor retracted. Clint smiled at him, because okay, maybe someone else was taking it seriously. "Awesome, man."

As they fist-bumped, Phil sighed heavily. "Whatever." He turned and went back to finish his breakfast in the kitchen.

"Tell grumpy daddy that I'm working on an extension for when the puppies arrive, and that he needs to remember to smile around the kids when they get here. I feel like we're live-acting Despicable Me." Tony said.

"Remember your words when Pepper gets back from the doctor!" Phil yelled from the kitchen. Tony scrambled, taking the stairs instead of waiting for the elevator.

Steve was looking flatly at Clint, still holding the leashes. Clint rubbed his hands together and grabbed the bar of the stroller. "Let's do this!" He jogged for the elevator, Stevie and Dum Dum taking off in wake.

##

Clint stared at the ceiling. Next to him, Phil snored contentedly. The sex earlier had been pretty athletic and it had been a stressful week, and that wasn't even counting the two times the Avengers had to assemble, so theoretically Clint should have passed out already. Despite his tired, aching, and sated body he simply wasn't ready to go to sleep just yet. Carefully he rolled onto his side and reached for his phone, tucking it in under the sheets so the light wouldn't wake Phil up.

"You're more than welcome to go sleep with her instead of me." Phil's voice broke the dark.

"Just checking messages." Clint quickly turned the phone off.

"You were checking the live feed in the guest bedroom to see how Bucky is doing."

"I just don't get why she nested up in there, instead of here, with us." Clint pulled the phone out and turned it back on. He looked at the night-vision feed that JARVIS was sending him, showing Bucky curled up in a huge pile of quilts and pillows on the floor with Stevie on the bed, looking out over her.

"Because she is a pregnant bitch who wants a little privacy."

"I hate it when you call her that."

"It's a technical term."

"You're so mean when you're jealous."

"For God's sake, Clint, go the fuck to sleep. I just don't have it in me to give you another blow job."

"The romance is dead."

Phil snorted and shoved his face into his pillow.

Clint glanced over at him, and when the coast was clear, he flipped screens.

"How's Natasha?" Phil asked, his voice muffled.

Clint hurriedly flipped back to the live video feed. "What?"

"You were checking JARVIS's data feed on her."

"No, I wasn't."

Phil flopped onto his back. "You do this every hour on the hour. First you check the video feed on Bucky, then you check the data feed on Natasha, and then if you think no one is looking you check on Pepper."

Grumbling, Clint turned off his phone and tossed it onto the nightstand. He turned his back to Phil and curled up around his pillow, scrunching his eyes closed. Behind him, Phil sighed heavily, then rolled up to tuck in around Clint.

"It's okay to be worried. It's not okay to be obsessed." Phil rubbed his hand up and down Clint's arm. When Clint didn't reply, Phil sighed again. "Tony set up those feeds for emergency use only, it's the only reason Natasha and Pepper agreed to it. You're using it to spy on them, and that's not acceptable."

"I just want to make sure everyone is okay. Anything could happen."

"I know that." Phil kissed his shoulder.

"Anything! Being pregnant is dangerous!" Clint shifted around, kicking his feet and feeling a little childish about it, but Phil just tightened his grip.

"It's also perfectly natural and something women have been doing successfully for a very long time. Now, we've got eight more months for Natasha and Pepper to deal with this, I suggest you relax about it before they gang up and hurt you."

"That should sound sexier than it does."

"I'm pretty sure no one would ever find your body."

Clint nodded, because that much was true.

"And stop trying to move Bucky's nest. She likes where she is, and you can watch the video feed as much as you want."

"Okay, okay." Clint leaned back against Phil and they both settled down, relaxing against each other. Clint worried his bottom lip as thoughts tumbled through his head. "You think Pepper got Tony's or Steve's kid?"

"I love you, but I swear to God, if you don't go to sleep I will put you in a choke hold until you pass out."

"Sweet talker."

Phil trailed kisses down the side of his neck, then flexed his arm threateningly. Clint laughed a little, but by the next breath, he was asleep in the safety of Phil's embrace.

##

The octopus-thing was spread out over the Port of Boston, on top of boats and docks (did insurance cover "crushed by mutant octopus?" Clint wondered), chirping apologetically at Thor, who nodded and chirped back. The Avengers and a large contingent of the National Guard were standing around looking good but being spectacularly useless.

"The mighty beast is confused and abashed, and has offered to reimburse all damages incurred during his panic," Thor reported.

"With what, seashells?" Clint sighed.

"He claims he has hoarded much gold from sunken boats."

"Tell that bad boy to bring it on, I don't think Massachusetts Port Authority is going to refuse ingots." Tony laughed.

"Stark—" Phil tried to break in, but Thor was already relaying the message to the embarrassed octopus, who kept shifting colors in what Clint assumed was a show of harmless intent. There was other chattering on the line, but suddenly the comm went completely dead. Clint glanced over at Steve, who was standing proud and looking sternly in the direction of the octopus. He frowned back. Then the comm crackled for a moment, and JARVIS's voice broke in.

"Avengers Assemble - Bucky has gone into labor."

Clint had never run so hard in his life. He body-slammed the stand-in pilot out of the flight chair in the quinjet and was already starting lift-off by the time the others hauled their asses on-board. The Hulk was still batting at one of the huge tentacles (which the octopus didn't seem to mind and was actually probably just humoring him), so they were going to have to leave Bruce behind. Clint knew the National Guard would give him a lift, eventually.

Tony was ahead of them, nothing but a contrail heading south-west for New York. Nat slid into the co-pilot seat, glaring at him when he spent too long looking her over.

"I'm fine."

"Going on two months, Nat. You need to stay home."

"Fuck you." She folded her arms over her (increasing, although Clint knew better than to mention it) chest.

"Avengers, we can pick up this discussion later. Barton, fly the plane." Steve stood behind him, his own arms folded and pointedly not glaring at Natasha himself. Unsurprisingly, he had been Clint's strongest ally in trying to bench Natasha from missions.

Clint glanced at him. "How's Phil?" He asked under his breath, knowing the super soldier would hear him even over the engines.

Steve leaned over as if checking the instrument panel. "Freaking out. His hands are gripping the seat ledge so hard he may break it," he whispered.

Thor leaned in to the cockpit. "So much anguish over such a joyous time!"

Natasha glared at him and he startled, moving back into the main compartment.

"You can only blame him for so long." Clint shook his head. "Wait, unless, unless…is he to blame? Is Jane going to be coming at you with a laser cutter or something?" Clint peered into the back compartment, trying to see if Thor looked like a baby daddy.

Natasha rolled her eyes and checked the instrument panel. "Fly the plane, Clint."

Steve hopped anxiously from foot to foot. "Can't we go faster? They could be being born right now."

"If those puppies get born before we show up, I'll be sleeping on the couch for a fucking week," Clint grumbled, pushing the quinnjet past the sound barrier with a boom. They were at the tower within 35 minutes.

The puppies weren't born by the time the Avengers skidded into Phil and Clint's apartment, but they were "imminent" according to Dr. Delany, who was settled into Phil's comfy recline lounger with a book in his lap. The vet in with Bucky was Dr. "Edward" who was Delany's recommendation as the younger vet was more limber than he was (Delany could never remember the guy's last name, but JARVIS cleared his background check so Dr. "Edward" he became). He had been overseeing things since Bucky started showing signs of whelping the day before, happy to take the small fortune Tony threw at him to keep him on duty. Delany was relaxing in the living room while the door to guest bedroom/Bucky's den was closed up tight and assorted Avengers milled about uselessly, except for Thor, who laid out on the floor and went to sleep.

Natasha took in the scene, then calmly walked into the kitchen, bent over the sink and puked.

Washing her vomit down the drain at least gave Clint something to do to distract him from the stoic statue that Phil had become, standing in the living room and staring down the hall towards the bedrooms. Steve kept patting Phil's shoulder awkwardly, although he kept starting down the hall too. Tony was sprawled out on the couch checking his phone.

Clint rubbed circles on Natasha's back. "What was that about?"

She was still hunched over the sink, looking dazed. "We got the Boston call first thing. I had to postpone morning sickness."

"Only you would put off puking for an octopus," Clint sighed.

"Ugh, fish." She heaved again.

The elevator opened Clint heard Pepper's distinctive heel-clicking walk coming into the living room, then detouring to the kitchen.

"Why is Tony pointing me—oh my god! Nat! Are you okay!"

"Gonna let you two bond or have girl time or whatever, I'm out." Clint beat a hasty retreat while Pepper took over sink duty.

"So glad I'm not a girl, man, they get a raw deal." He flopped down on the couch next to Tony.

Tony pointed over to where Thor was snoring. "Never too late, I'm sure Thor could hook you up—"

"Please shut up," Phil snarled.

"I guess that's a no." Tony rolled his head to look at Clint. "We know who the baby daddy is yet?"

"Nope." Clint grimaced. It wasn't as if he hadn't tried to force Natasha to tell him who the father was, because he totally had, but she wasn't spilling. He was pretty sure it wasn't another Avenger, but that left a lot of other options he didn't like to think about. "You guys have no idea who knocked Pepper up, do you?"

Tony grumbled.

"I will lance both of your tongues with red hot knitting needles if you don't shut up." Phil growled, still staring down the hallway. Steve squeezed his shoulder again.

Tony frowned. "I thought knitting needles were made out of wood."

"Some are. I like my aluminum ones, they're light." Clint nodded.

"I didn't know you knit."

"I don't."

Tony opened his mouth and closed it again.

Delany looked up from his book at Phil and Steve. "Might be a while, these things can take a couple of hours altogether. You should sit down."

Steve patted Phil again and pulled a chair over to Delany. They had found a shared love of Tolkien and could, apparently, talk about the books for hours. Clint tuned them out as soon as he heard the dreaded word "Silmarillion."

Phil didn't move.

Eventually Natasha and Pepper joined them, sitting down on the couch with Clint and Tony. Natasha shoved at Clint's arm until it was around her shoulders. "You seem calm."

"Nothing I can do until they get here, now." Clint rubbed her arm, trying to decide if she was running a fever or not.

"Will you be this calm when it's my turn?"

"Hell no, I'll be freaking the fuck out."

Natasha nodded, smiling, and tucked into his side. "Just promise not to shoot the father of my child."

"I can't promise that when I don't know who he is."

Natasha hummed but didn't answer.

Nearly two hours later, neither Phil nor Steve had twitched a muscle and Tony was snoring. The door to the spare bedroom opened, and Clint jumped up from the couch. Thor woke up and sat up, blinking at everyone.

Dr. Edward was smiling as he walked over to report to Delany. "Small litter, five healthy pups. No complications, no still births."

Thor leapt up and slapped Phil on the back. "Congratulations! Five! What a sturdy bitch she must be!" He looked genuinely amazed by the number. Pepper face-palmed while Tony laughed.

Dr. Edward tilted his head. "No, that' pretty normal for—"

"He's an Ob-Gyn," Delany mock whispered, and Dr. Edward nodded, stepping away from the conversation.

"No, I am not. But is Obbegeyian a god of fertility?" Thor asked. "We could be related."

"Can we go see her now?" Phil broke in loudly, still frozen in place like a statue. Everyone stopped at the crisp, tension-filled tone of his voice.

Dr. Edward nodded. "Sure. Two at a time for now, and be quiet. Mama is sleeping and will be grumpy if you wake her up."

Phil grabbed Clint's hand in a vice grip and hauled him down the hallway. They walked into the darkened room, where a bio-hazard container was tucked to one side holding things Clint was not going to think about. Bucky was sprawled out on her side, and there were five little nebulous lumps attached to her.

"Don't look like much," Clint whispered, peering down at them. He crouched down for a better look. "Guess they're healthy, though. They have vice grip on her." He smiled and looked up at Phil, then panicked.

Tears were streaming down Phil's face, his expression soft and fond. He looked over at Clint then back at Bucky. Clint stood up slowly and reached out to Phil, wondering if this was a break down or what, but Phil reacted calmly, drawing Clint into his embrace. "Ours. Our puppies. Our baby puppies," Phil whispered, hiccuping a little on the last word, his arms tightening around Clint.

Clint held on, confused. "I, uh, thought you weren't too happy about all of this."

Phil nodded into Clint's neck. "It was unexpected." He shuddered and tightened his grip on Clint like a vice.

"Sure, babe. It's okay. We have five puppies now, everything's cool."

Phil shook in his arms for a long time.