15. Sins Of The Father 14

Steve was in his studio sketching, grateful that the week was going by quietly. No one had heard official word about Natasha, but Clint kept telling him "she can take care of herself, Dad" in such a deadpan voice that Steve assumed that meant he was secretly in contact with her and she was okay. For the time being.

Given the lull, which Steve wasn't going to complain about, he had taken to focusing on his art. His studio (the former third bedroom) was a large room with a bank of floor to ceiling windows, and Steve had used his mind-boggling affluence to stock it with supplies. He had, in fact, gone embarrassingly overboard, but other than his motorcycle there wasn’t much else for him to spend money on. He was considering hiring an art instructor in order to take his skills to the next level, but had not worked up the nerve to ask Pepper for help with that just yet.

“Steve, Agent Coulson is at your front door.” JARVIS said quietly, as he always did when Steve was wrapped up in his art.

“Oh sure. Let him in. Thanks, JARVIS.”

“My pleasure, sir. I’ll let him know you are in the studio.”

Steve stepped away from the charcoal cityscape he was working on. Charcoal dust was everywhere, and there was no sense in trying to bat it off of himself. He went over to the paint-splattered utility sink in the corner and scrubbed his hands and arms, and then his face for good measure. He was drying off when Phil stepped in, carrying a small wooden box.

“Steve.”

“Phil! To what do I owe the honor? You want to head to kitchen? I could use a snack.”

Phil nodded and followed him out to Steve’s kitchenette. Steve pulled out a cold Starbucks iced mocha bottle for Phil, and then set about making himself a couple of sandwiches.

Phil set the box on the table reverently before picking up his drink.

“So what’s that? Business?”

“No. Actually, it’s…it's quite personal. I’m here as a favor to Dr. Brenda Fulton.”

Steve stopped in his preparations and stared at Phil.

Phil put his drink aside and opened up the wooden box, which looked a lot like a fancy neck tie box. Inside, the aged green handkerchief sat on a sea of tissue paper. It was crinkled up in odd places from where it had been tied to Steve’s bed frame for over 70 years.

“Given the importance of this item, it was deemed too valuable to leave on display. She’s had a replica made, very exact, and tied it to the bed in precisely the same fashion as you originally had it. She argued with the board of directors of Rogers’ House to return this item to you.” Phil pulled his hands back from the box. “Honestly, you could petition to have all your belongings returned to you, and the museum would have a legal fight on its hands to stop you. I think this is their gesture in hopes that you won’t do that.”

Steve shook his head. “Of course I won’t.”

Phil smiled. “Of course not.”

Steve kept staring at the box. “They don’t know anything about this.”

“No, but it was clear to both Brenda and myself that it is something of tremendous sentimental value to you. I refuse to speculate about it, and it would be rude to ask. It is enough to know that something so precious as this is returned to its rightful owner.”

Steve laughed, feeling the bitterness in it. “Its rightful owner is dead, Phil.”

“I suspected as much from what you said. But again, not my business.”

Steve closed his eyes and breathed through his nose, the weight of his secrets bearing down on him even more as he made his decision. He was alone, there was no changing that, but he did have friends and he needed them to see him for who he was…even if it meant losing them instead. “You and Clint, you're a couple.”

Phil nodded once, his expression guarded, because while it was common knowledge it was not something Steve had ever felt comfortable discussing with Phil or Clint directly. He had gotten the feeling that Phil was shy about letting his childhood hero know that he preferred men, which Steve thought was understandable, if unfortunate.

“Let me tell you, things have changed, but not really. I’ve done a lot of online research lately. Honestly, after I woke up I wasn’t too interested in knowing much about my ‘legend.’ I kind of thought history would have forgotten about me.”

“Never,” Phil said earnestly.

Steve smiled. “I figured that out.” He paused while he put one sandwich together and took a large bite. Phil waited for him, sipping at his chilled coffee drink, which Steve knew he had a fondness for. It was the only reason Steve kept them on hand at all.

“It never, ever occurred to me that anyone would care about my sketch pad from the USO tour. In fact I can’t tell you the last place I saw it. So going online, seeing all the memorabilia out there that are my things…someone paid thousands of dollars for one of the prop shields I used in the movies.”

“They are very rare.” Phil nodded.

“Not the point.” Steve returned to eating his sandwich, finishing it and starting to make another.

“I’m sorry, but I don’t think I understand the point you are trying to make.” Phil looked him, genuinely bothered by that fact.

“Everyone thinks they own a piece of me. That part of me survived all those years, and that the world knows who I am. You know how many official biographies have been written about me?”

“Six,” Phil answered sharply, then cringed.

“You’ve read them all, haven’t you?” Steve had to laugh. Phil blushed, which was probably only the second time Steve had seen that happen. He was a handsome man, not pretty like Bucky or debonair like Tony, but solid and confident and charming. Steve made up his mind, putting down the bread in his hands. “Well, Howard did a bang up job on white washing, I’ll give him that. I will bet money that none of those books mentioned this,” he said as he leaned over the counter between them, grabbed Phil’s jaw and held him still as he kissed him. He put his best into it, keeping it simple and not too lewd, just hinting with his tongue as he pressed their lips together wetly. Phil had locked in place, and Steve suspected he was holding his breath.

“No?” Steve said, letting go and pulling back.

Phil worked his jaw for a second, his blush gone crimson and his eyes dilated. He took a deep breath. “No. No, they did not mention…that.”

“It’s not new, if you were wondering. I lost my virginity to man named Mike when I was sixteen.” Steve concentrated on his sandwich.

Phil looked even more shocked. “Really?”

Steve thought about it. “No, actually, there was a whore named Eunice first. She looked like Clara Bow. But Mike…I think he’s the one who really counted.”

“A whore…named…” Phil stuttered.

“She was a present from Bucky. For my fifteenth birthday.”

Phil’s eyes went wide. “Sergeant Barnes bought you a hooker for your fifteenth birthday?”

“He wasn’t exactly ‘sergeant’ at the time.” Steve sighed. “I’m sorry about the kiss. I’m not making a pass, I was trying to explain something that is not easy for me to talk about.”

“To be fair, I think Clint will mostly be angry that there are no pictures of the event. He’s not a Captain America fan but he’s not blind, either.” Phil’s blush crept back up his neck as he focused on his coffee drink again.

Steve decided to get back to the topic before Phil melted in embarrassment. “That all happened in, I think, 1933? Even I think that was a hell of a long time ago. I just want you to understand that nothing is the same for me, here. The person I was then isn’t really much like what everyone seems to think.”

Phil’s hand reached out, his fingers tracing the edge of the open box. “Was this?”

Steve shook his head. “What this what?”

“Did it belong to, ah, your boyfriend?”

Steve looked at the handkerchief. “I never had a boyfriend, Phil. It didn’t work that way, back then, unless you were queer.”

Phil squinted. “You had sex with men, but you don’t think you’re queer?”

“It’s…different? Honestly I’m not sure I can explain it. But no, I never thought of myself that way. I got accused of being a fairy all the time, before the serum, but I wasn’t. Even if I did take it up the ass, I wasn’t a girl.”

Phil’s jaw dropped.

“Phil, I’ve been going to gay clubs and drag shows since I was fifteen.” Steve rubbed his face. “It’s not like I’m some damn virgin, here. I fucked nearly every girl in the lineup on the USO tour, and guys working the stage were always happy to offer blow jobs. The serum did a number on my urgency along with everything else.”

“Oh God, oh God. I’m not sure I needed to know that,” Phil whispered, his expression frozen in shock.

“I love Peggy, I really do. I thought she was the girl for me. I’m good with dames; the loose women and whores I don’t have a problem with, because you go to clubs enough and you get to know them. But she was a lady, and that made her different. I would have married her. But that doesn’t change the fact that I was in love with Bucky too. But as many times as we fucked he was never my ‘boyfriend’.”

“I’m honestly not sure what to do with this conversation, Steve.” Phil set his elbows on the counter and cradled his face in his hands.

“I’m trying to explain that things were different. Can you see that?”

“I do, I do. Believe me, I do.”

“This handkerchief belonged to a fairy who got raped and kicked to death in front of me. That stain there? Is his blood. I was 5’7”, barely 120 pounds and I couldn’t stop it. I don’t even know his name, he was just lost in the wrong neighborhood. He wasn’t much bigger than I was. We were both on our way home from gay clubs, late at night, and he got nabbed by some thugs. I knew them, hell I grew up with them, and all I could do was watch as they destroyed him, for no other reason than for wearing the wrong color scarf.

“And I thought things were different, and in a way they are, but then I read about that poor kid Matthew Sheppard. In 1998? Beaten to death and tied to fence. It’s still going on, but the difference now is that Matthew’s mother stood up for him, and people mourned him, and his death helped bring the issue to the forefront. But that kid?” Steve pointed at the box. “That kid, I never even knew his name. I just held him while he died.”

Steve hadn’t realized he was pushing his fists into the counter top hard enough to crack it until he felt Phil’s hand gently rest on his. “Steve.”

Taking a deep breath, he pulled back and looked at the damage. “Oh.”

“JARVIS, please put in a work order for a new kitchen counter for Steve,” Phil said, smiling wryly at Steve.

“It has been taken care of, Agent Coulson.”

Steve rubbed his face. “Thank you, JARVIS.”

“My pleasure, Captain.”

Phil stared at him for a few moments. “None of this needs to go outside of this room. But…look, you know I’m a fan of Captain America.”

Steve smiled. “So I’ve heard.”

Phil coughed. “Yes. Well. Anyway, hearing these things about your life, well, it’s surprising. But it doesn’t change my opinion of you. It doesn’t make you any less than who you are: Steve Rogers. I respect you and your history, all of your history.”

“You’re queer, Phil. A lot of other people won’t see it the way you do.”

“I’m still adjusting to Captain America knowing that I’m queer and not having a problem with that. Give me some room here.” Phil laughed. “But you’re right, some people won’t. All I’m trying to say is that you should be yourself, and let other people make up their own minds.”

Steve dragged the box holding the handkerchief towards him with one finger. “Howard wiped it all out, you know.”

“He knew?”

Steve looked up at Phil, surprised. “Doesn’t—oh.”

Phil’s eyes went even wider. “No, no no no. I really, really don’t want to know.”

“Too late, I think.” Steve shrugged, closing the box.

Phil cradled his face again. “There were always rumors about Howard Stark; pool boys, chauffeurs, that kind of thing. No one took it seriously. There’s a closed file at SHIELD that only Fury has access too, we all assumed it was a list of Howard Stark’s male lovers, but that was just gossip. I don’t think even his son took any of it seriously.” Phil looked up. “Fuck. Stark.”

“You mean junior, not senior?” Steve tried not to laugh, because it was the first time he had ever seen the normally unshakable agent look rattled.

“Look, don’t take this the wrong way, but please tell me you and Howard weren’t lovers.”

Steve shrugged again and Phil groaned, lowering his head to the counter top and resting on the back of his hands. “Oh. No.”

"Tony doesn’t have to know. It doesn’t matter, does it? That…it’s ancient history for you guys.”

Phil straightened up. “But not for you?”

“Howard and I were on-again/off-again pretty much up until I ditched into the ice. For me it’s only been, what, less than a year?”

“Jesus fuck. JARVIS, get Barton down here. Now. But don’t let Tony know, and hell, wipe this conversation from the records.”

“I’m sorry, but only Captain Rogers has authority to initiate or wipe recordings in his quarters.” JARVIS said simply.

“JARVIS, has any part of this conversation been recorded?” Steve asked.

“No sir, as you have not requested that service.”

“Okay, fair enough, but you’ve heard what was said, and I would appreciate you not informing Tony of the content of this discussion.”

“Is that an order, Captain?”

“Yes, JARVIS, it is. Can you follow it?”

“Yes I can. I will only be able to inform Sir that you had a conversation here with Agent Coulson, but not the subject or content of that conversation, and only if he asks specifically if a conversation took place.”

“Good enough. Thank you.”

Phil looked incredibly relieved.

“What? What the hell, Phil?” Clint slammed the front door open and charged in, looking ready for a fight. He stopped, taking in the casual tableau of Phil sitting at the counter and Steve standing in his kitchenette. “Lunch?”

“That’s what I like about you, Barton: your one track mind.”

“I didn’t even mention sex.” Clint raised his hands in innocence and Steve snorted. Clint closed the door behind him and walked over. “So, okay, is this a meeting of the sooper sekrit Captain America fan club? Do we have special handshake?”

“Steve’s gay, and he was having an affair with Howard Stark,” Phil said simply, which rattled Steve.

“I’m not gay.”

“HE WHAT?” Clint bounced up off the stool he almost sat down on. “You’re not? Wait, what?”

“Steve, I think by modern terminology, you qualify. As bisexual, at least.”

“I suppose so. It’s a shift for me. I’m normal.”

“Gay is normal,” Clint offered, looking very confused.

“It’s not…I can’t explain it. Sorry. I thought I was pretty normal, just a pervert.”

Clint’s jaw dropped and he stood motionless, for once stunned into silence.

“I think you broke him, Captain.”

“Sorry?”

Clint shook himself like a dog. “I really don’t understand what is going on. Phil, explain to me what is going on.”

“We are having a generational cultural clash of monumental proportions, and Steve was Howard Stark’s lover.”

“Okay.” Clint sat down, nodding. “None of this was in any of his biographies, huh?”

Phil shook his head solemnly.

“Look, it’s a long story. And I don’t know why Phil called you in on this conversation,” Steve said, glaring at Phil.

“Oh, I get that part.” Clint nodded. “This could be bad.”

“Why?” Steve huffed. “Why does it matter? Like I said: this is ancient history now. Howard’s dead and his son doesn’t know or need to know.”

“Were you in love with Howard?” Phil settled on his elbows, and the conversation suddenly turned into a debriefing.

“No. I was…it was always Bucky, for me. And Peggy. I loved them, I’m not sure I could have ever chosen between them. Howard knew that. We were just buddies helping each other out.”

Phil stayed silent while Clint worked his jaw for a few moments. Finally Clint slapped the counter with one hand. “Nah. No way. Howard spent millions of dollars looking for you. He never stopped. It was a Stark Industries expedition that did find you, SHEILD was there on consult. Howard is the one who donated millions to get the Steve Rogers Memorial Wing at the Smithsonian established. He never loved Maria, everyone knew that, it was a high society match from the start. It makes total sense if she was his beard.”

Steve got a gnawing, unhappy feeling in his stomach, Howard’s words from their big fight echoing down the years: I’ll never get what I want. Never! I’ll get married to a woman I don’t love and have kids I don’t want and you can just go to hell! All the things Howard refused to talk about and his genuine happiness whenever Steve showed up, made a new, tragic sense to him. “He was in love with me.”

Phil nodded again, this time with a sadness that gutted Steve.

Clint shrugged. “Yeah, Cap, I think so. It’s pretty obvious once you know about, well, you. If Captain America is gay, or sorta gay, or whatever you want to call yourself, and had a little 'thing' going on with Howard, then a lot of things start falling into place. And no way someone as smart as Tony isn’t going to fit those pieces together. And then? Boom.” He mimed an explosion in his hands.

“Boom? Why boom?" Steve shook his head. "Yeah, he won't like it. He'll hate it, I get that. But according to google, Tony is bisexual himself. How shocked could he be by my, or even his father’s, dalliances?”

Clint snorted in annoyance and turned to Phil. “He never, ever figured out that Howard was in love with him until now, so really, is this a surprise?”

Phil looked thoughtful. “I suppose not.”

Clint shrugged again and turned back to Steve. “You want to buy a clue?”

“I want to know what the problem is here.” Steve folded his arms and glared at them both.

Phil sighed. “We were talking about you coming out of the closet.”

“We were?” Steve frowned, replaying the conversation.

“This is gonna be epic.” Clint grinned, earning a reproachful look from Phil.

“It’s your choice whether to live openly as a bisexual, however you want to define that. I support your decision, but I won’t lie and say it won’t come with a cost. And part of that cost might be losing Stark as a member of the team.”

Steve stared at Phil for a long time, but the man was serious. Steve had imagined that Tony would blow up about it, maybe even hate Steve for a while, but Phil was making a much stronger case. “Are you telling me he’s that much of a hypocrite?”

Clint sighed. “No, he’s telling you that Tony is smart enough to connect the dots, figure out you were the love of his father’s life, and then never speak to you again.”

“But why? What are you two not telling me?” Steve slapped the already broken counter top, which crumbled some more.

Clint’s eyebrows went up and he looked over at Phil. “Whoa.”

“JARVIS already has a work order in.”

“Coulson.” Steve snapped, his patience at an end.

“What Phil doesn’t want to tell you is that Tony is madly in love with you. Like, crazy mad. Meanwhile you’re still all tied up over Bucky and Peggy, right? And his father was in love with you. So yeah: big awesome disaster in the making. You gonna eat that?” Clint pointed at the forgotten sandwich.

Steve pushed the sandwich at him, feeling dazed. “Tony?”

“No, I’m Clint. Sandwich?” Clint talked with his mouth full.

“I mean—”

Phil sighed. “Yes: Tony. He’s not been subtle.”

“I thought he was just…I thought he just wanted some action.”

Clint choked on the sandwich, gasping for air. "I can't believe Captain America is talking about getting some action!"

"Please, please shut up." Phil rubbed the bridge of his nose.

Clint laughed loudly and poked at Phil before turned back to Steve. "Look, okay, think of it this way: you were banging Howard and didn’t notice he was in love with you either."

Steve glared between them. “I think it would be more accurate to say that Howard was banging me.”

Clint coughed so hard he fell of the stool, and Phil ended up pounding him on the back, his own expression stunned and frozen. Clint waved him off. “Uh, smooth, Cap. Is that how you're going to tell Tony? Because I don’t think that will work out for you guys. Or us. Or, you know, anyone.”

“I don’t plan on telling Tony!” Steve yelled.

“Okay, Captain. We hear you. Calm down,” Phil spoke loudly and slowly.

Steve closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “Are you sure that Tony is in love with me? He's not just interested in the packaging?"

“I think everyone from Phil to the sentient vacuum cleaner knows that, Cap,” Clint said, attacking the sandwich again. “The mystery is how you don’t know.”

“Steve, the real question here is how you feel about Tony.” Phil folded his hands on the counter.

“No, it’s not. That is not an issue here at all.”

Clint stopped chewing and joined Phil in staring at Steve.

“What?” Steve tried not to shuffle his feet like a kid.

“Aw hell, you like him, don’t you?” Clint dropped the sandwich in defeat.

Phil sighed heavily and put his head back down on his hands. Clint rubbed his back.

“Tony is all but engaged to Pepper. What I feel doesn’t matter, here.”

"You've already admitted to being in love with both Bucky and Peggy, don't pretend you don't understand how this works." Clint rolled his eyes.

"Before you got here, I kissed Phil." Steve shot the words at Clint, who tensed up, his focus zeroing in with deadly accuracy on Steve.

"Rogers, that's enough!" Phil stood up.

"Tell me how you feel about that, Clint. Happy? At ease? Maybe you just don't care that the man Phil's admired his whole life, Captain America, kissed the ever loving hell out of him while you weren't here. Is that it?"

Phil pushed Clint away from the counter to put space between them. "Low blow, Rogers, I expect better from you."

Steve finally looked at Phil. "I'm giving him a living, breathing example of how these things work. It doesn't matter how I feel, what matters is the relationship between you and Clint. The love between Tony and Pepper."

"You did not kiss the ever loving hell out of me, and you know it. It was a pretty chaste kiss."

Clint jerked like being electrocuted. "He did kiss you?" He grabbed Phil's arm and squeezed it, hard enough to cut blood circulation. Steve stepped back a little, not sure if he should stay out of it or not.

"He was making a point. I did not expect it to happen and I did not encourage him. It was Rogers' idea, start to finish."

"That's true," Steve offered after a few moments of Clint staring Phil down.

Clint closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. "Okay, okay, you made your fucking point, Cap." He let go of Phil, then turned to look at Steve again. "For the record, I'm not a jealous asshole. I just like some notice before my guy goes around swapping spit with a gorgeous man."

Steve felt his ears heat up. "I'll keep that in mind."

Clint smirked, his relaxed attitude returning easily. "What you do about the situation? Up to you. All I'm saying is that you know it's possible to be in love with two people at the same time. Give Tony some credit, he'd figure out how if he thought the offer was on the table."

"It's not." Steve shook his head. "So drop it."

Phil was looking at Steve carefully, inspecting his face, before his eyes widened. "Oh. You're still in love with Bucky."

Caught off guard, Steve turned and threw a punch into the door of his refrigerator, collapsing it in on itself to the point that its hinges broke. They all watched in silence as the door wobbled for a moment, then slowly crashed to the floor.

"Get out. We're done."

Clint squawked a little but managed to cling to the rest of his sandwich as Phil hustled him out of the apartment.

Steve took a few deep breaths, then carefully picked up the box with the green scarf in it and carried it to his bedroom, walking through to his huge closet that was barely half-full with his wardrobe. He opened a drawer filled with spare sweats and buried the box deep in the bottom, laying several shirts on top of it. Sliding the drawer closed felt like coming to the end of a book about a story long over and far in the past.