3. Chapter 3

Tony thought it was rather unfair that "Court Dress" meant that everyone had to wear their gear, except Bruce, who didn't have gear, just a huge green rage monster. The incredibly long ceremony introducing the Legendary Avengers of Midgard to Their Most Majestic Royalty, King Odin and Queen Frigga, was formal and slow and boring which made it identical to every single diplomatic function Tony had ever slept through on Earth. But while the rest of them were all dolled up in their uniforms and weaponry, Bruce got to slouch around in linen slacks and a button down with the sleeves rolled up because according to Thor, it was customary to let berserkers be as comfortable as possible for as long as possible. (Even Captain America couldn't argue with that logic, although Bruce visibly cringed every time the word "berserker" was used…which was a lot.)

Tony at least had the visor down, so he put himself on mute and worked on some projects with the mobile app version of JARVIS (not as powerful, but a lot more portable) until everything came to a loud banging end, when Odin stood up and some kind of highly weaponized marching drum corps stomped down the center of the hall. Everything broke up randomly after that, so Tony took off his helmet, figuring it was social hour. He needed a drink or three.

Steve stopped him before he got halfway to what Tony hoped was the bar. "Would you look at that?" Steve motioned subtly toward where Bruce was being politely mobbed by amazingly beautiful, tall, and well-armed Asgardians. He looked like a confused Hobbit holding court in Rivendell.

"Huh. I'll be damned." Tony stared.

"Oh, thank you, yes, thank you – another one? Okay. Thank you. Thank you very much." Bruce clutched at yet another bouquet of daisies, the pile in his arms overflowing as members of the Court lined up in front of him.

"He really doesn't have a clue, does he?" Tony said, standing well back from the scene with Steve. Thor strolled up next to them carrying a large stein of mead which Tony eyed longingly.

"I can't see how not," Steve answered in confusion.

"Indeed, surely he understands the meaning of the gift?" Thor waved his stein at the crowd.

Tony and Steve turned to Thor as one. "The gift?" Tony asked for both of them.

"Daisies? The sacred flower of Freyja, the goddess of love, fertility, and war?"

"Oh dear god. No, he really doesn't." Tony covered his eyes.

"Then what do you and the Captain refer to?" Thor looked back over at where Bruce was slowly being buried by daisies.

"I was just talking about how all the dames, er, fine ladies of the court seem to be making eyes at him...and a few of the guys too." Steve squinted in that way he had which meant he was having a hard time being diplomatic. Tony was very used to that look, he could spot it at fifty paces.

"As it should be! He is, after all, a berserker." Thor smiled.

"Ah, big guy, usually that's not such a good thing, back on Midgard." Tony tried to explain while Steve squinted harder.

Thor gave them his best raised eyebrow. "Truly?"

"Girls don't go for that. No."

"That explains so much of Doctor Banner's sadness. How unfortunate to be a berserker with no one to fuck." Thor looked heartbroken.

Steve swallowed his tongue and Tony slapped him on his back a few times. After a moment, Steve waved him off with his shield, still red-faced, although it looked like he was trying to choose between mortal embarrassment and hysterical laughter.

Tony turned to Thor again. "What you're saying here is that Bruce is quite a catch? In Asgard?"

Thor processed the comment for a moment. "If you mean he is desirable, you would be correct. I cannot think of any true warrior who would not cherish a chance to wrestle with Doctor Banner's berserker soul." Thor's expression turned unhappy. "His pacifying of Loki has entered into legend."

They all stared at Bruce who was dripping flowers while trying to accept more, kindly thanking everyone and probably breaking hearts like a player. Tony was so proud.

Bruce gave him a pathetic, confused look which Tony recognized as a clear plea for help and chose to ignore. Bruce was just going to have to step up his game.

"Is anyone going to be mortally offended if he turns them down?" Tony figured it was best to face the problem head on. As in, getting a head start the hell away from the place if necessary, something Tony knew a little bit about.

Thor looked confused. "No. They are only signaling their interest in sharing his bed."

Steve turned red again. "Ah, uh…Thor, isn't that your mother? Her Majesty?" He pointed to where Frigga regally cut the whole line and handed a beautifully braided wreath of daisies to a confounded Bruce Banner.

"Mother has a weakness for berserkers. Her last male consort was a berserker; I remember him well, as he often smashed me into walls when I was a foolish young boy." Thor nodded fondly.

Frigga leaned down and placed a delicate kiss on Bruce's lips, then whispered in his ear. Bruce's eyes went wide.

Thor sighed dramatically. "Ah, the sweet first blush of love! I suppose we shall not see them until morning." He chuckled.

"Uh, Captain—" Tony poked Steve in the arm as Frigga towed Bruce out of the room, trailing flowers. Steve looked too stunned to move.

Thor patted Tony's shoulder. "Have no fear, Stark. The Hulk is far too strong for Mother to break."

"That wasn't…it's not…you know what? All power too him." Tony turned to where Bruce was stumbling out of the door behind Frigga with a slightly panicked look on his face. "Go get 'em, tiger!" Tony cheered with a wave.

The magnificent hall rumbled with noise as the whole Court of Asgard broke out into roaring cries of "Gogettam, T'gr!"