1. Chapter 1

No one would say Thor was stupid. He understood things differently sometimes, but once something was explained, he latched onto it and rode the idea like it was his bitch. He once walked into the common area, where Bruce and Tony were arguing over a holograph “writing board” covered in what might have been equations, or maybe stick figures. Thor took one look, snorted, erased half the board while Tony yelled at him, then wrote one small equation in place of what he had erased.

Tony actually started crying.

But what nobody could seem to get across was the idea of a nickname. Thor figured out his phone in an hour, and was commenting on the political subtleties of a parliamentary democracy within days of visiting Britain, but he never could seem to grasp the fact that Clint Barton was “Hawkeye” because it just sort of described him, rather than because Clint had once done magic and was now something like the supreme ruler of hawks. He knew that Tony’s suit was just a suit, but because Tony was Iron Man, Thor assumed he had some kind of conscious control over the element. He was always asking Tony to make him small iron trinkets such as hooks or buttons or knives, and because Tony kind of loved Thor in a brotherly way he went down to his workshop and made them.

Natasha complained that this only confused the issue and kept asking Tony to stop humoring Thor. For her, it was annoying, because Thor honestly believed that Natasha was a shape shifting spider and not-so-subtly secretly warned the men not to mate with her.

Although since everyone honestly believed that Steve really was the captain of America, it was just too easy to let Thor have his delusions.

But then one day, Clint disappeared.

---

Tony had never seen Coulson look quite so freaked. Even when Loki was on the loose and the Avengers were just a gleam in Fury’s eye, Coulson had been bland like beige. Now his right eye was twitching and Tony found it disturbing.

“He’s not gone, he’s somewhere in the ducts. Remember this happened when he was avoiding the Easter Parade? JARVIS! Scan the building for Hawkeye the Boy Wonder.”

“He’s not here,” Coulson stated flatly.

They were standing in Bruce’s lab, because that was where Tony spent most of his free time, and Bruce was looking concerned and worried and Tony hated that as much as Coulson’s eye twitch.

“Okay, say he isn’t here,” Tony said, spreading his arms wide. “Maybe he ducked out to visit SHEILD. Did you check with Fury or Hill?”

Coulson gave him a look that plainly said, ‘I will murder you and everything you have ever loved.’

Fortunately, or unfortunately as the case turned out, JARVIS broke in. “Sorry, Sir, Agent Barton is not on the premises.”

The Easter Parade Incident was the reason JARVIS was instructed to say “not on the premises” instead of “not in the building” if he couldn’t find someone: because that was exactly the kind of sneaky bastards Tony had invited into his home.

He loved them so fucking much.

“Phil, you seem pretty convinced Clint isn’t here. Maybe start from the beginning?” Bruce asked politely, taking his glasses off and peering at Coulson with sincerity that could melt steel.

Coulson nodded, then gave them a very odd, somewhat rambling story about going to bed with Clint as usual and waking up alone.

“You edited out the kinky sex part, didn’t you?” Tony nodded knowingly at Coulson, who actually blushed.

“That is not germane to the circumstances. Clint is gone.”

It turned out that Coulson had, of course, run through his long list of where Clint might have gone and turned up empty handed before he ever came up to the lab. So, yeah, it was looking like they were doing this.

They assembled in the large briefing room that Tony had set aside for Avengers’ business, Natasha looking stressed while Coulson kept up his pinched-face worry. Even Steve looked concerned. Tony hated it when people around him were sad. That was what money was for, usually, but it wasn’t like he could go buy a new Clint. It just wouldn’t be the same.

Thor strode in—he always strode, because he was a Norse god and that was the “in” thing—and sat down. “What danger do we face today, Son of Coul?”

“Clint, Agent Barton, has gone missing,” Coulson said with his jaw tight.

Thor frowned. “No?”

Coulson frowned. “Yes?”

Thor shook his head. “I do not think so.”

Coulson nodded. “I do think so.”

“Wait, stop, please, you’re giving me a headache.” Tony waved a hand between them. “Thor, do you know where Barton is?”

Thor shook his head. “No, it is not for me to know the ways of the Hawks.” He leaned in closely. “They are very fierce, and they fly.”

“You fly!” Tony pointed at him.

Thor shook his head slowly and spoke to Tony as if talking to a young child. “Mjlonor flies, and carries me.”

“Wait, Thor, are you saying…uh, are you saying that Barton is with a bunch of hawks?” Steve squinted at Thor, who nodded.

Everyone started yelling, or at least Tony and Natasha did, until Coulson pulled a whistle out from somewhere and blew into it, sending a shrill blast of noise through the room. While Tony rubbed his ears, Coulson pointed at Thor.

“Explain.”

Thor shrugged. “The Hawks of Asgard seek word with Vedrfolnir who is their god, of course,” Thor spoke as if lecturing a children’s class. “But their king died eons ago, and they have been without representation ever since. They chose this way, as they prefer to fly free without regard to political alliances. As I say, they are very fierce. But as I am sure you know, Vedrfolnir will not speak to anyone but a king or a queen. Heimdall, seeing their difficulty, brought them The Hawkeye, Clint Barton, King of Migardian Hawks.” Thor nodded again, as if any of that crap made sense, while Coulson blinked at him repeatedly and Steve tilted his head like a confused puppy.

Tony was tapping madly on his StarkPad. “Vedrfolnir, the hawk that sits between the eyes of the unnamed eagle who sits on top of the sacred tree of life, Eggdrazull.”

“Yggdrasil,” Thor corrected with a glare.

“Heimdall kidnapped Barton to be the hawk whisperer for a bunch of leaderless punks who want to chat up their god?” Tony liked to be thorough when examining new theories.

“Yes!” Thor smiled. There was a long pause before he got up. “If that is all?”

“No!” Coulson snapped, figuratively and literally. He marched around the table and poked Thor in the chest with a finger. “Bring him back!”

Thor looked down at Clint’s finger in confusion. “I could not, even if I so desired. The Hawkeye is on a great journey to the otherworld, on official Hawk business to talk to their God.”

Steve grimaced. “You make it sound like he died.”

Thor actually rolled his fucking eyes at them. “Yes, of course. How does one expect to see Yggdrasil?”

Coulson went low and Natasha went high while Tony got the hell out of the way. By the time Steve found the whistle and broke their eardrums, the huge meeting table and four chairs were broken. Thor was still standing while Coulson and Natasha pretended they were, pulling themselves out of the rubble of the former conference room with as much dignity as they could, which Tony thought wasn’t much.

“Thor, Hawkeye being dead is not acceptable,” Steve said, his voice stern and reproving. Thor still looked confused.

“It is the only way. If Vedrfolnir so chooses, he may return The Hawkeye to Midgard alive. Such is of course the wish of all supplicants, and as a King surely The Hawkeye understood this.”

Coulson glared. “Agent Barton is not King of the Hawks.”

Thor raised an eyebrow, and Tony was getting the idea that the Asgardian prince had been holding out on the smart-ass factor. Thor sighed. “I do not make your Midgardian laws, Son of Coul.”

“It’s just a nickname!” Natasha spat.

“So you keep saying, although I do not think that word means what you think it means.”

Tony snorted. “No more Princess Bride for you.”

“Shut up, Stark!” Coulson snapped.

Tony waved him off. “Thor, we need The Hawkeye back. So dial up Asgard and we’ll go talk to the Hawks, get our boy, and be home in time for dinner.”

Everyone stared at him.

“Anyone have a better suggestion? No? Okay, lets get this ball rolling.”

Thor frowned. “The Hawks are notoriously difficult to negotiate with, and Heimdall is their protector. He chose their representative, and that choice was The Hawkeye, King of Midgardian Hawks. If you so wish to plead your case, he may ask any price in recompense, to bring The Hawkeye back against the wishes of the Hawks. He may also refuse you.” Thor shook his head sadly. “It is best to let Hawkeye complete his mission.”

Everyone looked angry, and there was something about Coulson’s posture that set Tony’s nerves on edge, but no one spoke. Thor looked at all of them with his puppy-dog eyes, and that was the final straw for Tony.

“You know what? Heimdall doesn’t get to make that call. I’m the Man of Iron, that’s the Queen of Black Widow Spiders, and he’s the Captain of the Great Realm of America. We’ve got Bruce the Berserker and the Renowned Son of the Coul and you’re the God of Thunder. We are the, the, Legendary Avengers of Midgard, and the Hawks have, uh, taketh one of our own! We demand Justice! With a capital J!” Tony rolled his shoulders because he sounded as asinine as Thor on a bender but it was hardly the first time in his life he had to power through a really stupid idea.

Everyone kept staring, which didn’t help.

Thor, though, gave Tony a long, thoughtful look. “The matter had not been presented to me in such a manner before. Indeed, as a member of our council, The Hawkeye should not be taken without our consult. Heimdall was wrong to do so, but I do not believe he understood the matter as you have explained it. Yes, you are right, Stark, God of Iron!” He suddenly looked really sheepish. “I never did well in diplomatic studies. Mother despaired.”

Natasha snapped her mouth shut from where it had been hanging open. “So we’re getting him back now?”

Thor shrugged. “We present our case to the All Father, and the Hawks."

Tony sat down with a thud into only remaining unbroken chair. "Great. We're on a diplomatic mission to Alderaan."