1. The Wanting

Sam did not feel useless. He was a necessary component of every relationship in his life, and he knew that, not simply in a logical way (because, of course, a relationship by definition includes more than one person) but emotionally. He was needed, if not always wanted. Relationships spun out from him like a web, encompassing his work and his personal life. Sometimes he handled them well (his mother, victims he assisted on cases) and sometimes he did not (Maya, his team). There was a matrix which determined how successful he was at being needed, which to him was the necessary component in any relationship. His mother, for instance, needed him to be her son and her friend and (although she would never admit it) the stand-in 'man of the house' in her life. Victims needed him to help them, to catch the perpetrators, to do his job on their behalf. Beyond that simple logic, though, he did not understand the matrix. He did not see the pattern that led from Maya needing him to be her boyfriend to Maya needing something else. He did not even know what she needed, and he really wanted to, until finally in frustration he simply told her they both needed distance to figure things out. He doubted she did, but he knew that space might give him the perspective to fix things. Or not. Either way he had to figure it out, but he was not figuring anything out, not even the cases he was working on.

He did not feel useless, but he knew where he was not needed, and no amount of wanting or desiring on his part was going to change that.

As for his team, it was a matter of deciding what they needed and then providing it, and he tried. Structure. Responsibility. Leadership. Motivation. He struggled with those qualities, because his team needed all of that from their DCI, but for some reason they shut him out. Maya grabbed for him while they turned their backs on him. He was good at his job and the people he worked with were all great cops but their solve rate was merely acceptable, statistically. He knew it could be much better. With the talent at his disposal, his team should be racking up commendations, much less statistics. The matrix of need eluded him, though, and as he pushed Maya away and tried to drag his team closer to him, all he knew for certain was that he got something wrong and it was all falling apart.

Which was only the beginning.

In 1973 he was lonely and needed someone to believe him, which Annie did not, but at least she humored him. He fell apart and put himself back together at least once a day, and twice at night. He heard a different world and missed his mother and Auntie Heather and his damn precious mobile. He needed to fix everything: himself, Gene, Annie, the victims, the crimes. He tried to boil everything down to his needs, and what was needed, and how everyone needed him.

He watched Gene uncomprehendingly at first, wondering with bitter amusement how a cop so sloppy, disorganized and rude could inspire anything but revulsion among his men. He also feared that this was a manifestation of who he really was, Sam the violent vigilante with a bottomless ego and an appetite enslaved to selfishness. His worst fear, perhaps: that his life was a lie, an unending battle against his basest passions that continually wounded him and made mere causalities of the people he loved.

As that fear became a doubt, as the world slowly solidified and as he failed time and time again to escape, he continued fighting against Gene but not because he needed to, but simply because he wanted to. It felt good to fight him, physically and emotionally, an endless battle for survival that he took on out of desire to simply prove that he was still alive.

Slowly the actions and reactions all fell together and Sam saw it, the raw passion of wanting something greater than what you have. The need for it was just the structure, or the foundation, or something – he did not pursue the analogy too far – but it was only the starting point. The need is a beginning, but the path is determined by what is wanted, desired, and fought for.

Need was the structure of the matrix, always was, always would be. What people need defines who they are and what they do; but what they want determines how they do it. It was as simple as Maya needing a boyfriend who wanted her, when Sam sublimated his desire for her because it felt selfish to want anyone that much. His team had needed a leader to provide structure, responsibility and leadership, of course, but they wanted his humanity as well. They wanted a leader who cared about them as people, a boss who wanted them on his team. They wanted to be wanted, not just needed or tolerated or, pathetically, led.

Sam finally understood this in bits and pieces, small observations leading to flashes of insight.

Certainly, Gene needed his team. Gene needed Sam and he needed Ray and even needed Nelson; in turn they needed his leadership, his fearlessness, his support. What tied them all together though was the aching desire to be wanted more than needed, and it was emotional and not logical, and it hurt sometimes. It scared Sam how much he wanted to be a part of that world, because the last time he wanted something that badly was the day he realized his father was never coming home.

He did not feel useless, and for a change his needs matched his circumstances, but more than anything he wanted to belong to the people around him. He wanted that desperately, and he observed everyone carefully, looking for a sign he did not feel qualified to see, much less understand.

Until one day he realized that Gene had not assaulted him for a long time and he did not miss the fight; that Annie was telling him all about the new boyfriend she was dating, and Sam did not feel abandoned; that Phyllis nicknamed him "Poppycock" and Ray nicknamed him "Ponceycock" but that neither name was a really a slur.

That night Sam asked Nelson to start a tab for him. That night, he did not wait to be invited into the card game before sitting at the table. That night, Gene slung his arm around Sam's shoulders when they were both not even drunk yet and told Sam that if he really needed to transfer out, he would help him, but he hoped otherwise "for the sake of the team."

Sam told him he did not want to transfer anywhere, because he found everything he really wanted right there in 1973.

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