1. Worthy

It was not the worst day of Danny’s life – there was stiff competition for that, after all – but it was a bad one. It actually started the night before, as Danny tried to get Nicholas to come over to watch a movie at his flat but Nicholas, who was technically on the early shift the next day, went home to go to sleep instead. When Danny pointed out that since Nicholas made the schedule, he had the authority to break it, Nicholas nearly chewed his ear off going on about duty and responsibility and blah blah blah. Danny just wanted some alone time with Nicholas, but he did not say that, he told Nicholas to ‘lighten up’ instead. Their parting words were not very nice, and the following morning when Danny came in at the start of his shift, he and Nicholas were very polite.

Of course that did not last long and they ate lunch together and everything seemed brilliant until Danny screwed up some paperwork and then forgot to follow up on a witness interview and then managed to lose his helmet somewhere between the office and…well, somewhere. Nicholas fumed and Danny was the butt of a number of comments from everyone but he shrugged it off and that night managed to snag Nicholas to come over to watch a movie. Danny was happy.

Nicholas was not.

“You have got to start acting more responsibly, Danny. That witness interview was important! I should not have to send an Andrew out to cover your tracks.” Nicholas fumed on the couch, clutching his cider and not watching the movie at all.

“Okay okay. Can we jus’ watch the movie?” Danny grumbled, tired of hearing it.

“It’s a dumb movie, Danny, and this is important.”

“Nicholas, you’ve been harping on it all afternoon. Okay? I get it, I get it. I just want to relax with you and enjoy some time off.”

“Every day is time off for you, Danny! Do you take anything seriously? You keep telling me to ‘turn off’ but damnit I think you need to learn to ‘turn on’!”

“I’m a good police officer! You said so!”

“No! I said you could be a good police officer! But you never try, you never put forth any effort, and you are just…just…lazy!” Nicholas spat out the word as if it were dirty, then looked surprised that he said it.

“I work hard!” Danny yelled back, his feelings hurt and wondering why Nicholas would not just let it go and enjoy the dumb movie.

“I just meant that you never really take responsibility for yourself! Or anyone!”

“Oh ‘cause you’re so perfect and you just want everyone to be as boring and stuffed as you are!”

“Oh Danny! GROW UP!” Nicholas yelled and jumped up, throwing on his jacket. Danny just stared at him in shame and shock as Nicholas stalked out, slamming the door behind him. Part of him knew that Nicholas would be over it the next day, but part him also realized that Nicholas did not respect him, not as a police officer, or as a man. He heard it in his voice and for how many times Danny shrugged it off when Nicholas came back with an apology and a smile (oh that brilliant smile!) he still knew it was true. This time, he could not bring himself to shrug it off.

Danny sat and stared at the screen. It was dumb, a very dumb movie, and Nicholas was right, about everything. Of course Nicholas was right about everything, because there was no conceivable way for him to be wrong.

Danny did not move for a long time, and when he did, he got dressed and drove out to the cemetery. He did not visit his mother often, because it was so painful – all that love wasted, drowned in the water with her. It hurt and he never wanted to hurt like that again, but it seemed like he could not get around it. He did not talk to Nicholas much about his father, because really there was not much point to it, but that did not change the fact that it hurt Danny deeply to find out that his father was insane, and a murderer too. Most of all, Danny felt guilty about that, because he of all the people in Sandford should have seen what was happening to his father and stopped it somehow, but he was so busy trying to pretend that he was not upset over his mother’s death that he closed his mind to anything that was not fun, or simple, or easy. He ate too much and drank too much and watched stupid, dumb movies and lived vicariously through movie heroes he would never be, and meantime his father went crazy and killed people.

He got out of his car at the cemetery and walked over to her grave, his flashlight striking on so many familiar names, some people he knew his father murdered. It was the walk of the dead, for Danny, and for the first time in his life he understood in an adult way that one day he would lie in this ground too, near his mother, and if he was lucky, near his father, and maybe Nicholas might outlive him and bring flowers to his grave. Or worse, he would outlive Nicholas…Danny stood over his mother’s grave and cried, tears rolling down his face, the flashlight limp in his hand. The snow that fell earlier was not thick but it was wet, after all, and when Danny fell to his knees, gasping for air, sobbing in the pain of everyone he lost and what he might lose and all that he did wrong, the chill ran up his pants legs as a wet, clinging reminder of death.

His life was empty, even with Nicholas in it, because he was empty. He was shallow and childish and irresponsible, and he let down everyone but most especially the dead people around him, who might not be dead if he had not been so wrapped up in his obliviousness. He felt that he was as good as a murderer, and he deserved no pity, and Nicholas was right to yell at him.

As Danny curled down, crying without mercy, his hands buried in the dead grass and hard ground under the snow, frigid to his bones, as he remembered his mother and how proud she was of him, once. How proud she was of her smart, talented boy. He vividly remembered the day she died, because that morning as he rushed through breakfast and rushed out the door for no good reason, she talked to him about the importance of taking care of the people you love, and only now, over ten years later, did Danny finally understand that she was asking him to take care of his father for her after she was gone.

He failed her: not only was his father crazy and locked up for life, but innocent people died because of him. He was a failure, he was a miserable fuck up at everything, and he felt worthless. It was the first really honest emotion he had felt in a long, long time.

---

“What?”

“Right there.”

Nicholas held the paperwork in shock.

“Transfer?”

“Yep.” Danny nodded vigorously.

“Transfer.”

“Yep.”

“You want to transfer?” Nicholas looked up at him in confusion.

“You okay?”

“No, I don’t really think I am.” Nicholas said, his look of confusion growing longer and more….confused.

“I know it’s a bit of a surprise….”

“Transfer?”

“Maybe we should talk about this somewhere else.” Danny said, eyeing Nicholas nervously.

“No…no, this is about work, and….transfer? Why, Danny?”

“You were right, Nicholas. About everything. An’ I ain’t gonna change here, I just can’t. I got to go somewhere and start over, and…well…grow up. Jus’ like you said.”

“I certainly never meant that you needed to transfer to grow up. You can do that here. I’ll help you…”

“No!” Danny said, and he said it more fiercely than he meant to, and Nicholas edged back a little in surprise. “No, Nicholas. I have to get away from Sandford. Just for a while. I saw the Met has that temporary duty officer training thing, you know, and I put in for it this morning, and there’s the paperwork, and if you give me a good recommendation I have a solid chance at it. I called the lady who runs the application process, and she remembers you, and she was really impressed that I worked with you and she said that would really help.” Danny explained, pointing at the paperwork that Nicholas still seemed not to fully register was in his hands.

“I…I don’t want you to go.” Nicholas said. Danny studied him, because for the first time since they met, Nicholas sounded absolutely helpless.

“I’m sorry, Nicholas. It’s…not you, yeah? Not us. It’s me. I got to.” Danny looked down at his hands, unable to watch the anguish that was welling up in Nicholas’ eyes. “Please, Nicky. For me.”

Nicholas put the paperwork down and signed the form. Thirty minutes later, Danny got a cc’d copy of the emailed letter of recommendation that Nicholas sent on his behalf. But Nicholas would not talk to him, did not say a word, and did not even respond when Danny asked him to come to pub with him that night, as a conciliatory gesture. Nicholas walked out of the office, and did not call later like he usually did to check on Danny. In fact, for the whole month it took for the paperwork to be processed and approved and the transfer arranged, Nicholas refused to talk to Danny directly, ever, at all. Danny accepted this, because it was just another part of the punishment he deserved for being such a goddamn failure at everything.

---

At first, London was, simply, amazing. Danny made friends quickly with the rest of the training group – he was good at making friends and getting people to like him – and the program was still kind of new, so there was a bit of leeway in how it was run as the kinks were worked out. He stayed at Peel House and played football in the halls with the kids, who all seemed so much more competent and smarter than he was.

The program was a combination of rotating assignments with different departments and night time course work. Danny never worked so hard in his life, in fact he never pushed himself so hard in his life, and he was mostly rewarded with the dawning knowledge of how pathetic a policeman he really was. He did not know things that everyone else took for granted and he did not understand a lot of the procedural paperwork at first and he really, really never thought that murder scenes were as horrific in real life as they turned out to be. He was glad he was not the only person in the program to throw-up at a murder scene, but he was still very embarrassed, and he thought that there was no way he could tell Nicholas about it without sounding like a complete and utter wanker. He was a damn sergeant and he was supposed to be far past this kind of newbie shit.

However the worst part, the part of the whole experience that Danny never counted on and did not see coming, was that people knew who he was. His father was notorious pretty much everywhere in the country, his crimes being particularly heinous and only made worse because he was a chief inspector. Within the Met, the name “Butterman” was synonymous with “lunatic traitorous murderer” and he actually stopped traffic in the hallways one afternoon after innocently introducing himself to some friends of one of his co-trainees. They always gave him the benefit of the doubt at first, but when he answered honestly with “yes, his son” people would stop talking to him. It was crushing, but he eventually realized that there was nothing, absolutely nothing, he could do about it. He took to staying in his room after night classes and generally being nice and polite and as invisible as possible, because he was “his son” and he was unworthy of anything like friendship, or compassion, or even pity. He might as well have murdered those people himself for all the good he did, and all he really wanted to do as he sat alone in his room was watch Point Break. But that would just be childish.

The second month into the program, Danny was swamped with homework and not sleeping well, because he kept having nightmares that he actually did stab Nicholas that night at the castle instead of pretending to stab him. So he sat awake, willing himself not to fall asleep, craving a lager (not allowed within the confines of Peel House), and wanting to talk to Nicholas, who was not returning his calls – more of what he deserved, but still achingly tough to accept – when someone knocked on the door.

“Yeah?” Danny opened the door, hoping this was not some kind of surprise late night inspection. Would not be the first one.

“Daniel Butterman?”

“Yeah.”

“Sergeant Terry Kidder.” The man was plain and non-descript but friendly looking, and a little familiar although Danny could not place him, and he held out his hand. Danny shook it instinctively, being a well brought up young man, and then they stood there staring at each other. Sergeant Kidder was not in uniform, and Danny got the idea that he was not there on official business. “Well. So. Good to meet you at last!” Kidder smiled half-heartedly, and Danny just nodded, trying to stay polite. Kidder stood patiently by the door and Danny finally clued in.

“Wanna come in?” He stepped aside and Kidder walked in. He went over to the window and folded his arms, still wearing his forced smile. “Sooo…what can I do for you?” Danny asked uncertainly.

“Oh. Well. I’m, er, a friend of Nicholas’ and I was just, er, in the area and thought you might want to go out for a couple of pints.” The smile never faltered.

“Friend of Nicholas?”

“Um. Yes.”

“I don’t remember ‘im talking about you.”

“Well, we had, er, a bit of a falling out…I’m, uh, the man who assigned him to Sandford. Officially.” Kidder coughed.

“Oh yeah, you flew in on the helicopter with the Chief Super. I remember you.” Danny nodded, getting very suspicious of all this.

“Good! Good. So…pub?”

Danny stared at him. “Nicholas ask you to stop by?”

The smile finally faltered. “Urm. Yes, as a matter of fact, after a manner.”

“Thanks, but I got some reading to do so I shouldn’t go out anywhere. Tell Nicholas I’m doing okay.”

“Oh, no, can’t do that.”

“Why not?”

“Because I live in fear of the man.”

Danny laughed, but Kidder looked serious. “You’re jokin’!” Danny snorted.

“No, not at all. We walked the beat together for a while…” More coughing. “And he really knows how to make a man’s life miserable. Even from a distance. Particularly from a distance. I can’t even begin to tell you what he did when…well, anyway…pub?” Kidder tried for his insincere smile again, and Danny finally gave up.

“Yeah, sure.”

At the pub, Danny stared into the pint that Kidder bought for him and they sat in silence. Finally Kidder settled back, after polishing off his first pint and a chaser, and looked relaxed.

“Nick…er, Inspector Angel did not really ask me to take you out to a pub, you know. He’d never suggest something like that. He only wanted me to check in on you. Discreetly. I don’t think he wanted you to know I was doing it.”

“So why’d you ask me to the pub?”

“Revenge. My way of thumbing it to him. I’ll check on you in my own damn way.” Kidder grinned maliciously.

“You don’ like ‘im much, do you?” Danny shook his head.

“No, honestly, I don’t. Nobody does; that’s just Nick…er, Angel. He’s a prick.”

Danny stared at him. “I don’ think so.”

“Then you are a better man than I. Look, let’s not talk about him. How’s the training program going?”

“Okay. I’m…learning a lot.” Danny shrugged.

“That’s good. There’s a lot to learn.” Kidder nodded, and it was really the first sympathy Danny had seen since he got to London.

“I…in Sandford there ain’t a lot to do, yeah? So I passed the exams an’ all but I don’t got much real experience, so it’s weird being a sergeant here and being the dumbest person in the program.”

Kidder studied him. “Nick wouldn’t have gotten you a promotion if he did not think you deserved it.”

“No, he jus’…likes me. We’re mates, yeah? So I think…he was just bein’ nice.” As Danny said it, he realized that he believed it, and it was the first time he ever admitted it to anyone.

“We are talking about Nicholas Angel, right?” Kidder laughed.

“Well, yeah.”

“Well, no, then. Look I’ve worked with Nick for years. Even when he loosens up he is a tight ass.”

Danny frowned. “I don’ think you know him like I do.”

“I don’t think he’d change that much just by moving to the country. Look, if that’s what you believe, fine. I won’t argue. But think of it this way, then: You’ve got the best opportunity ever to prove yourself.”

“What?”

“Isn’t that why you’re here? To prove yourself? Make yourself a better cop?”

“Yeah, it is,” Danny said, mentally tacking on ‘to make myself a better man’ to the end of it.

Kidder leaned forward. “I know you get backlash about your father. And you seem to be a bit insecure. I don’t mean to pry and I know it’s not my business, but if I were your friend, I’d tell you that this is a golden opportunity to turn your life around. Make good on the name ‘Butterman’ and prove that you deserve to be a sergeant. Then you can go back home with your head high.” Kidder looked at him square in the eyes, and Danny blinked.

“I…I don’ know how,” he said miserably and stared at his drink. Kidder reached out and gently placed a hand on Danny’s arm.

“I can show you how.”

---

Kidder was gay, and made no pretense otherwise. Danny shied a little when he found out, but Kidder rolled his eyes and told him to ‘take it like a man’ which did nothing to ease Danny’s discomfort. Still, Kidder invited him to parties and met him at the pub regularly and, most importantly of all, tracked Danny’s progress. He told Danny what the instructors were saying about him, and where Danny needed to improve, and helped him out when Danny hit a wall in training. Kidder was a desk jockey but he still had a lot of experience and he was smart, and while Danny did not consider them ‘friends’ in a way that he would think of a friend in Sandford, he was a good friend as far as London went.

What made Kidder important was that he never cut Danny any slack, like Nicholas would. He did not understand or forgive Danny forgetting any part of his kit, and was short tempered when Danny tried to explain how little doodles got into his notebook. Kidder’s house parties were fun and the man knew how to have a good time, but when it came to work, he was more anal retentive than Nicholas, and that simply awed Danny.

“Okay, that’s it, love, time for a PDA.” Terry threw up his hands as they stood in his office.

“A’wha?”

“P. D. A. You need help, and you need to remember this shit. We’re getting you a PDA so you can start keeping lists and input reminders to yourself.” Terry threw on his jacket and led Danny out.

Danny adored his PDA, and named it ‘Cuffs,’ which sent Terry into a hysterical laughing fit for reasons unknown. Danny read the instruction manual front to back and within a week his entire life revolved around the thing. Terry showed him how to back up his data, because Danny became terrifically paranoid about losing Cuffs, and as far as Danny was concerned, his life was now complete. Except maybe for Nicholas. He really, really missed Nicholas, because as nice and helpful as Terry was, he just was not anywhere near the police officer that Nicholas was, and anyway, Danny wanted to show off Cuffs.

He was meeting Terry at their pub spot that night, but he was early because the instructor let the class out due to some technical difficulties with his PowerPoint presentation. He walked up behind Terry and found him staring off into space, talking on the phone, and Danny stopped dead when he heard the conversation.

“Nick, love, you are a prick and I mean that to the bottom of my heart….no, I will not apologize for corrupting him, because as far as I know he’s uncorrupted….well yes, Joe Marucci hit on him, but the boy was oblivious….leave me out of that, sweetheart….look I’m just helping him out, not giving him handouts like you were, and don’t I know why, you horny fuck….I don’t believe that for an instant….anyway he doesn’t need you, he’s a damn good police officer…I would never lie, and this kind of character assassination is why I shipped your ass to Sandford…well you know damn good and well it was my idea and good riddance….maybe I’ll just keep Danny and let you rot…oh just try…at least I got him to buy a PDA, what the hell are you doing for him?...right, right, shooting people, fabulous role model there…you know a lot of this has to do with his father, right?....no, never talks about him, but I am not an insensitive emotional cripple like you…fine, be that way, I’m keeping him…you too, prick arse. Oh, Janine says hi…yeah, bye.”

“Wot you mean, ‘keeping me’?” Danny asked, and Terry jumped out of his chair, nearly falling down.

“Just a joke!”

“You call Nick a lot?”

“Not really.” Terry blushed and righted the chair.

“So you’re keeping me?” Danny glared at him, because he was not sure what that meant, and he wanted to know if Terry was hitting on him.

“Look, Nick misses you. I was just teasing him about it.” Terry sighed heavily, giving up the pretense of innocence.

Danny sat down, because hearing that broke his heart. “I miss him too.”

“You in love with him, then?”

“What? No! Not…like that.”

“Too bad, because he’d ask you to marry him tomorrow otherwise.” Terry smiled and looked at Danny, something glittering in his eyes. “Oi, you’re not sure, are you?”

Danny did not move, struck by the implications of what Terry said about Nicholas.

“Okay, backing off. Me: backing off.” Terry raised his hands in surrender. “Look, Nick calls me to check on you. He’s worried and he misses you. That’s all.”

“I’ll be home soon enough. And he never calls me anyway. If he missed me, he’d call. He’s probably glad I’m not there to screw up his paperwork.”

Terry stared at him. “You don’t believe that.”

Danny just shook his head, because he did not want to believe it, but it did make sense. And for the six months he was in London so far, Nicholas never called or emailed him once. Not once.

“I never took you for a hard-ass, Danny.”

“…’an you act like Nicholas is gay. You think he’s got a crush on me or sumthin’? That just makes it all worse, yeah? What’s that say about why he promoted me?”

“Danny, calm down, mate. Nicholas isn’t like that…”

“Maybe he is!”

“No.” Terry slashed a hand through the air. “No. And I won’t listen to you talk like this. You’re one of the top trainees in the program, you’ve lost weight and gotten in shape and you live your job. You’ve always had it in you and Nicholas knows that, he tells me that, and he’s damn proud of you. And maybe he is gay: so the fuck what? He’s the last person on earth who would promote someone just to get laid…and if he did, I might add, it apparently did not work.” Terry folded his arms in disgust.

They sat in silence, nursing their drinks for a while. Danny appreciated Terry defending Nicholas, and that did something to temper his anger, but he still had his suspicions. And it was a fact that Nicholas never called.

Terry sighed and tapped the table, breaking Danny out of his reverie. “Three more weeks, right? You’re finishing out with the detectives unit, right?”

“Yeah.” Danny squirmed, nervous, wondering if all detectives were like the Andes.

“You got plainclothes, right? Plenty? Good. Just stay on your toes, you’ll do fine. I wasn’t lying when I said you’re one of the top in the class. You never goof off, you’ve got your PDA to remind you of everything…you’ll do fine.” Terry smiled, and Danny relaxed, realizing that he had not sat down to watch an action movie in over two months. Somehow, he did not miss them, and Terry was right: he was going to do fine. He changed the conversation over to blood splatter analysis, because there was a new theory going around about head wounds and Danny wanted to know what Terry thought of it.

---

The welcome home party was huge, because it was Sandford and Danny was for all practical purposes related to everyone, and was away in London for over six months. The pub overflowed, and even Nicholas was talking to him. A little. He seemed distant and worried, but that problem did not get much of his attention, however. When he walked in and saw Nicholas smiling and chatting with the Andes – of all people – when he had not even emailed Danny since he left, what little charity he was inclined to feel about the situation disappeared. He desperately missed his friendship with Nicholas but he was not going accept handouts or excuses. Nicholas may or may not have sensed that, but he mostly steered clear of Danny, except to be polite.

Danny ended the night alone, at his flat. Packing. His house had been in the family for three generations –well, four, including himself, now – and it was empty for no good reason. It was the house where he grew up and where he once lived and loved his parents. Whatever happened, however it all went wrong, there were three – four – generations of happy Butterman memories there and Danny knew that it was time for him to become the man of the house. His house, now, not his father’s house. His.

He did not look forward to it. Before he left London he had the electricity hooked back up and sent in a professional cleaning service with steam carpet cleaners and lots of bleach to at least make it habitable. They found some ‘issues’ and Danny asked Andrew’s dad, a handyman by trade and hobby, to fix what broke or fell apart or was eaten by rats. So the worst of it was taken care of without him even stepping foot in the place. And really, whether the back kitchen window was fixed or not, Danny was not looking forward to stepping in the place, but he was a man, THE Butterman, and he would do it. Alone.

He wanted it over with, though, so instead of drinking too much at his party he mostly sipped orange juice (which he told everyone was a screwdriver ‘like they drink in London’) and stayed up late packing. His video collection took up six large boxes and honestly, that was most of what he had to pack outside of the bedroom. He was sorting his kitchen and labeling boxes as he referenced his ‘moving checklist’ (which Terry helped him create in Excel) on Cuffs when there was a knock at the door. Confused and annoyed at being interrupted, Danny stomped over to answer it, and stood in shock at the sight of Nicholas looking miserable on his stoop.

“May I come in?” Nicholas asked, after they stood staring at each other for a few, silent seconds. Danny nodded and let him in.

Nicholas stood in the middle of the packed up room – the boxes were all stacked in order against one wall, neatly labeled and taped closed, and the TV was already unplugged with the stereo system packed up.

“Oh. I thought…you might be watching a movie…”

Danny shoved past him to the kitchen. “No. Packin’. Moving back ‘ome tomorrow, got to have everything ready to load in the truck.”

“Movers?” Nicholas asked, sounding surprised.

“No, renting a truck out of Northwest Wapping. The Andes and some cousins are helping me…” He stopped at the look on Nicholas’ face, which was crushing.

“You…didn’ say…at the party…I could help, I could…”

“I checked the duty roster, yer on the morning shift. Speakin’ of which, you should’ve been to bed awhile ago, Nicholas.” Danny turned and walked into the kitchen. “You got to be up in five hours.” Danny went back into the kitchen to start packing again. Nicholas trailed after him, and watched him for a few minutes, which was kind of odd. In the past he was always the one dragging Nicholas to the couch to relax, and now Nicholas was here acting like he wanted to crash out but could not muster enough energy to stop Danny from sorting silverware. Danny was distracted for a moment, trying to remember if his mother’s silverware was still in the drawers at his father’s….his house. He had a lot of mismatched spoons and that annoyed him no end. It had always annoyed him, which is why he usually just ended up buying plastic spoons to use instead. As he stared at some spoons he saw Nicholas shuffle to the small dinette table and sit down, looking shell shocked.

“Danny…”

“No, Nicholas, I don’ want to hear it. I been gone seven months and you never called. Never emailed. You sent Terry around to check on me an’ you talked to him all the time but you never…ONCE…CALLED…ME!” Danny felt his temper blow in from nowhere, and he threw the spoons on the floor. After a beat, both men moved to pick the spoons up. Nicholas got there first and grabbed them, sitting on his knees, holding the spoons, his head down. “What’s the matter with you, Nicholas? Why’re you here? You got work in the morning.” Danny grabbed the spoons from out of his hand and shoved them in the packing box. He knew, actually, that Nicholas was upset and probably wanted to apologize. It just felt like too little, too late.

“Danny…” Nicholas did not move.

“What?” Danny threw more silverware in the box. He did not like feeling upset but he did not feel like coddling Nicholas. “You screwed up. You…acted like a kid, getting’ all sulky and mad at me when I didn’ do anything wrong! Not to you! I’m tryin’ to make everythin’ better an’ you’ve acted from the first like I ran over your dog or summat!”

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I thought it was all my fault. I thought you hated me. I got mad and told you to grow up and the next thing you’re going to London and I didn’t know what to say and you just never wanted to talk to me anymore and I sat in my cottage every night watching stupid movies thinking of you and trying not to think of anything but it didn’ work and…I fucked up everything.” His voice grew faint and he stopped talking.

Danny snorted, but the words were too familiar, and he could not be hard at someone who felt as bad as he did. He sat down on the floor in front of Nicholas. “It weren’t you. I tol’ you that. I just messed so much of my life up, I had to fix it. On my own. I know you wanted to help but…you always wanted to help too much. Never lettin’ me do things on my own. I mean I know you would’ve tried but I had to do it myself, or…well I didn’ want any handouts.”

Nicholas looked up at him. “I never gave you special favors. You earned your rank, your commendations…you were always a good police officer, Danny. I should never have made you doubt that….I was just mad and trying to make you understand…”

Danny thought for a second. “But I still had to do this on my own, Nick. Grow up. It’s hard and it isn’t fun but that’s life, yeah? And maybe if I had done this years ago none of that…none of those people…well none of it would’ve ‘appened.” Danny buried his face in his hands, ashamed, and tired.

Nicholas reached out and put a hand on his arm. “Danny…god, none that was your fault. You can’t believe…”

“My dad went crazy, Nicholas! He went insane and KILLED people! An’ I never knew! I was cop and I never figured out that my own father was a ‘omocidal maniac! People died because of me! An’ my dad…my dad’s in prison, yeah? I should’ve done somethin’, Nick!”

“You did do something.” Nicholas scooted in closer and rubbed his back.

“Yeah, shot up the town. Acted like a hero, but I’m not really a hero. You’re the hero, Nicholas, you’re the one who did it. I jus’ followed, and even then I was scared, and if I had been a real man maybe none of that would ‘ave ever happened anyway. I could’ve saved people. I SHOULD’VE saved people.”

“But you did save people.”

“Yeah? Like who?” Danny looked up at the ceiling crossly and folded his arms.

“Me.”

Danny looked at Nicholas, and saw tears streaming down his face. Stunned, Danny did not know what to say.

“You saved me from the NWA, but…you saved me from myself, Danny. You showed me how to ‘turn off’ and feel human again. God, that’s what I missed, not Danny the Cop but Danny my Friend, who saved my life in so many ways. I thought you didn’t want our friendship anymore, and I…I’m not good at this stuff. I knew I needed to call you but by the time I figured that out I thought it was too late…”

“You keep thinkin’ too much. You shoulda’ jus’ called.”

Nicholas nodded in defeat and ran his hands over his face, trying to clear out the tears. “Yeah. I should have.”

“…you really think I saved you?”

“No, I know you did. You saved me.”

They sat uncomfortably for a moment, and Danny decided that this was alright. He and Nicholas were still friends, and somehow, they would figure out all the rest of it. “Mmm…should we hug now?” Danny asked, and Nicholas nodded.

“I’d like that, if it’s okay.”

Danny shuffled closer and they put their arms around each other, which felt good. He wanted to thank Nicholas, to tell him how much he missed him, to say something, but the hug seemed to be saying it all.

“Y’goin’ to make a pass at me?” Danny asked uncertainly, rubbing Nicholas’ back.

“Only if you want me too.” Nicholas laughed into his chest, and it felt wonderful.

“I’ll think about it.”

“Okay. Fair enough.”

“I’d say let’s watch a movie but my TV…”

“I’ve got to be up soon for work anyway.”

“Oh. Yeah. Well…why don’ you crash here? You could take the bed, I’ve got a lot of packing to finish.”

“Not really tired, to be honest.” Nicholas rubbed his face against Danny’ shirt. “You think you could use some help?”

“From you? Well…depends. You not gonna just toss things in boxes, are you? I got a system…”

Nicholas burst out laughing. “I’ll try not to screw it up.”

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