No additional warnings for this scene.
Nicholas had to go to London for training -- something to do with staffing issues and personnel management for rural departments -- and managed to snag Danny into going with him. There was a special units course in proper weapons handling going on about the same time and with a few down and dirty ‘negotiations’ that were definitely not by-the-book, Nicholas managed to hammer Danny into it. He was glad that he was very strict lately with his whole team on target practice, as he knew Danny was now a fair shot and would at least hold his own and learn something. All Nicholas really wanted was for Danny to be there, in London, with him. It meant there was a lot he was not going to be able to do – specifically, get laid – but he figured Danny’s companionship was worth the price of celibacy. It was worth the price of celibacy for nearly two years, and he was used to it.
Unfortunately, London was packed for some kind of concert starring stick-thin women wearing too much make-up and ridiculous outfits, so they ended up in a low-rent hotel, sharing a bed. Danny did not seem bothered and Nicholas did not care because he knew he could keep his hands to himself – he had so far, and with much greater provocation on Danny’s couch – so the first couple nights when they fell into bed exhausted from training all day, Danny admittedly having the harder work with all the physical exertion, they fell instantly asleep. The third day, though, Danny insisted they go out for drinks and Nicholas took him to a bar that he knew well, for various reasons, and that had ‘London’ written all over it. It was large and brassy and loud, and Danny was in heaven. They parked at a railing overlooking the crowd, and enjoyed commenting on what people were wearing or doing, with Nicholas pointing out the individuals he thought were acting suspicious.
When he finally got up to use the restroom, Danny smiled at a woman walking by and told Nicholas he would hold their seats for them. Nicholas was glad of that, because he did not need to use the restroom; he spotted someone he knew a little too well, and needed to stop a train wreck before it happened.
Danny lost Nicholas. He said he was going to the restroom and that was nearly thirty minutes ago. It was not as if Danny did not have enough to keep him occupied – the women in London were certainly worth spending some time looking at – so he did not notice how long Nicholas was gone until he got lonely. Cursing, figuring Nicholas the Lightweight was on his ass somewhere near the restroom, Danny grabbed his drink and went out to look for him. It was a large bar with several levels, nearly a theme park of bars, and crowded, so it took even time to circuit around. As he came down a short flight of stairs he heard the tone and timber of Nicholas voice and looked around.
Nicholas was standing with his back to the wall, another man in front of him. It seemed odd that they stood so close when they did not have to, and Danny stopped himself from calling out, confused by what he was seeing and curious as to what was going on.
The man in front of Nicholas was about Nicholas’ build, although a taller, with dark curly hair and olive skin. As Danny watched, the man put one arm out against the wall right over Nicholas’ shoulder and pressed against him, and laughed. Danny figured out then what was going on, and he was mortified. This bender was hitting on Nicholas and Nicholas was so drunk he was letting him. Danny started to press forward to get to Nicholas, to help extract him from an unpleasant situation, when he saw the impossible: Nicholas laughed and bumped his hips into the man, as if they were…
Danny turned and fled back to where he had been sitting, and just stood there as other people had taken over those seats while he was gone. He was furious. He was not sure why, but he decided it must be because Nicholas was queer and never told him. It was wrong and whoever that tall guy was, Danny hated him.
“Danny!”
Danny turned and saw Nicholas, and incredibly, the other man walking behind him. Danny was speechless.
“This is Joseph Marucci, Inspector Joseph Marucci. We went through the academy together. Joe, this is Sergeant Daniel Butterman, whom I work with in Sandford.” Nicholas was happy-drunk and very pleased with himself for introducing them. Danny saw nothing of the interactions between the two he spied on earlier, and in fact Joe Marucci shook his hand in a manly, professional way.
“I hardly hear from Nicholas anymore, but when I do he always mentions you. Glad to meet you at last.” Joe’s accent was clipped and upper crust, for all his foreign last name, and he reeked of money and privilege. Danny looked back and forth between them and realized that Nicholas actually was from London, and looked like it, and acted like it, and belonged to a much different world than anything Danny knew. And a bender. For the first time since he really got to know Nicholas, he felt shut out of his life, and it was absolutely the most crushing experience he could remember since he found out his father was a murderer.
“Danny, you alright?” Nicholas leaned in and placed a hand on his shoulder, but Danny shrugged him off and Nicholas looked at his own hand, surprised.
“Yeah. Fine.”
“Oh. Well, I had no idea Joe was here and he’s by himself so I invited him to join us. Is that…alright?” Nicholas picked up on him, and was acting uncomfortable.
“Yeah, whatever. I need another lager.” Danny walked off, trying to collect himself.
When he came back, practicing the breathing techniques Nicholas taught him to control his nerves, he found that Nicholas and Joe claimed a table and were sitting across from each other, acting like normal men in all respects. For a second, Danny thought he might have imagined what he saw earlier. In fact, he hoped he had. He kept a vicious, close eye on Nicholas and barely participated in the conversation. He knew he was being a little rude, and tried to cover, but he really just wanted the perfect Inspector Joseph Marucci to just go away.
Nicholas was obviously on to the fact that Danny was not happy and kept the conversation going despite everything, but finally gave up and told Marucci that they were both tired from training all day and needed to get an early start. It was another round of manly handshakes and ‘nice to meet yous’ and finally they were out of that place.
Back at the hotel room, though, Danny realized he was in a bigger fix than he ever imagined. They were sharing a bed and he stood looking at it while Nicholas changed into his sweats and got ready to go to sleep. The image of Nicholas trying to kiss him or…something…flashed in Danny’s mind and he flushed. It was wrong. He knew it was wrong, and he shoved the image out of his head and went back to his breathing exercises, and only then realized that he was standing in the middle of the room with his eyes closed trying not to hyperventilate. He opened his eyes to find Nicholas sitting on the bed, looking at him with confusion and worry.
“I…I’ll sleep in this chair, I think. That…bed…er, uncomfortable…”
“What?”
“Just, my back, er, you know. I’ll just sit here.” He pointed at the very uncomfortable desk chair behind him.
“Danny, what is going on?” Nicholas stood up and crossed his arms, not buying it for an instant. “We slept in this bed last night. Did I kick you or something?”
“No ‘or something’! None of that!”
“What are you talking about?”
Danny paced. “Nothin’.”
“You are a terrible liar.”
Danny stopped and put his hands on his hips and stared at Nicholas. “I saw you.”
“You’ve seen me all night. Just how drunk are you?” Nicholas laughed.
“With that…Joe. Him all rubbin’ up on you.” Danny flushed, embarrassed with the accusation and the memory.
Nicholas’ face crashed. He stared at Danny, speechless for a few moments. “I thought…you were at the table…”
“You were gone a long time. I went lookin’ for you. I found you, alright.” Danny snorted. “So you’re a bender? Just like the Andes say?” He pointed an accusing finger at him, but Nicholas did not respond. “You always told me about Janine but I never seen a picture of her, or nothing. Is there a Janine, Nicholas? Or you just lyin’ about that too!?” Danny started to yell.
“Danny, calm down! Calm down and we’ll talk!”
Danny nodded and sat down, doing his breathing exercises. Nicholas came around the bed but did not approach him.
“There is a Janine. If you don’t believe me, we’ll visit her tomorrow. She won’t be happy about it and I won’t enjoy it but if that’s what it takes, I’ll show her to you.”
Danny nodded in acceptance. “Don’t have to see her. Just wanted to know if you were lying.”
Nicholas sighed in relief. “No. Not lying.”
“And the other…stuff?”
Nicholas pursed his lips and looked down at the floor. Danny slammed his hand on the arm of the chair. They were silent for a while.
“Does it upset you that much?” Nicholas finally asked, quietly.
“It sure don’t make me happy, Nicholas! I thought you were normal! I…” Danny looked away.
“I am normal, Danny. It’s not like a deformity.”
“It ain’t normal, Nicholas! It ain’t right! Men don’t do that to each other!”
Nicholas did not argue the obvious, just stared back down at the floor.
“I can’t…sleep there, Nicholas. I’ll just take the chair or sumthin’.” Danny said, rubbing his hands together.
Nicholas shook his head. “I’d never touch you, Danny…damnit I never would put you in that kind of position. You’re my best friend, I would never…to hell with this.” Nicholas cursed and went over to the clothes rack, pulling out his jacket and shoes.
“Where you goin’?”
“Out. You know, Danny, I never told you this about me because I knew your rural, country ways and the damn Andes would give you all the wrong ideas about it…about me. And I was right, damnit. You –“ he pointed at Danny, “You are my best friend, and I can’t imagine working or living without you. But if you can’t trust me on this, that I would not…touch you, ever, then…” Nicholas turned away, overcome, and then started putting on his shoes.
“Well I never thought of it like that, Nicholas. You know I trust you.” Danny felt crushed, and confused. Benders always hit on normal guys, everyone knew that, and while none ever hit on Danny, it was a truth he accepted.
“No, Danny! You don’t. You clearly don’t!” Nicholas was very upset and suddenly Danny felt even more terrible, accusing him and not trusting him and not treating him like a partner at all.
“I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I just didn’t know! I don’t know nothin’ about benders! I never…met one…before…” Danny looked around, confused, because now he realized he had met a bender before: Nicholas. And Nicholas was nothing like the nancy type, or anything the Andes or the guys at the pub laughed about. Nicholas was a man, a real man, a tough-as-nails police officer who took on the NWA and won.
Nicholas was red-faced and upset but stopped at the sound in Danny’s voice.
“Danny, this is important. We can’t be friends, we can’t work together, if you don’t trust me.” He said it quietly, and looked Danny straight in the eyes.
“I trust you, Nicholas, I really do. I just don’t like…this. It’s wrong. Dad always said it was wrong. Everyone does.”
“Everyone in Sandford, Danny. Not in London.”
Danny thought about that. “So really, you are only a bender when you’re in London? That what you mean?”
Nicholas blinked at him. “I suppose it does.”
“Really?”
“Really.”
“Well okay then. But never in Sandford!” Danny pointed at him as if he were giving an order. Nicholas smiled, weary and accepting.
“Never. I promise.”
“Fine. But…ummm…” Danny pointed at the bed.
“I will not touch you. Unless you kick me in your sleep, or snore. Again.”
Danny laughed self-consciously. “I don’ snore, Nicholas.”
Nicholas shook his head and smiled. “Are we good, then?”
Danny nodded uncertainly.
They sat in silence awhile, adjusting. Finally Nicholas took off his shoes again. “I am going to bed.” He said, and he did, and after a few minutes Danny joined him…far on the other side of the bed, with his tee shirt and sweats on. Just in case.
Three Months Later
It was a shot-gun run to London in order to wrestle some promised supplies from the Met, which always seemed rather hesitant to send anything important like flak vests out to Gloucester. Nicholas invited Danny along for the three-day weekend, and Danny did not think twice about accepting, until they were on the train.
Nicholas was going over his planner, marking things down in lists and crossing off others and frowning at pages as the scenery went by.
“Nicholas?” Danny leaned over and whispered. Nicholas leaned into him.
“Yes? Why are we whispering?”
“I just don’t want people to hear, you know…well, we’ll be in London, right?”
“That is where the train is headed, Danny.”
“So that means, well, you going to be a bender for the weekend?”
Nicholas laughed so hard he snorted and had to wipe his nose, and Danny smiled in spite of himself as people stared at them.
“Not if you don’t want me too.” He giggled, smiling that wonderful smile that Danny always loved so much.
“It might be awkward.” Danny admitted, relieved that he had not upset Nicholas with the question.
“That it might. So no. I’ll be a straight man the entire weekend.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay, that’s good then. I…errrr…” Danny leaned in again to whisper and so did Nicholas, until their noses were almost touching and they were breathing on each other. “Well I was thinking about the ‘hooking up’ part, you know.”
“What?” Nicholas flushed.
“You won’t get mad if I start, you know, chattin’ with a lady or sumthing, would you?”
Nicholas sat back and laughed again. “Just as long as I don’t get kicked out of the hotel room.”
“I really wouldn’t want you there...”
“No! No, I mean…we’ll figure something out, if necessary. But don’t let me cramp your style.”
Danny watched Nicholas out of the corner of his eyes the whole way into London, but only saw him smiling and laughing quietly as he re-organized his lists over and over. He was not happy with the reaction he got out of Nicholas concerning the ‘ladies’ question, but he was not sure what he wanted Nicholas to say. In truth, Danny was very horny, and very much looking forward to meeting a lady in London. He just felt uncomfortable with the idea of hitting on anyone while Nicholas was around.
They got a nicer room with two beds this time, and Danny did not, would not ever, say so, but he was relieved. Just in case.
Mission ‘Acquire Vests’ accomplished, they ate a wonderful dinner at a Pakistani restaurant that Nicholas loved and remembered, and then went to a nice pub near the hotel. Nicholas only saw Danny ‘in action’ in Sandford, with girls he was either related to, grew up with, or had already dated – or more usually, all three – so it was with an anthropological fascination that Nicholas watched him hit on London. He was like a damn bloodhound, relentless and untiring, talking to anything that could be described as ‘feminine’ that walked through the door. He would jump up from their table, giving Nicholas a guilty smile, and then wander off to his latest prey. Nicholas watched him talk to them, and sometimes he could get them to laugh. Nicholas began to see that his routine was very predictable and surprisingly straightforward. After about twenty minutes, if he had not been chased off already, Danny would lean in and talk quietly to the woman, almost in her ear. Nicholas tried to imagine what he was saying and failed, because words of heated passion just did not seem to click with Danny Butterman. Much as Nicholas regretted that fact.
Sometimes the women would laugh then, or just shake their heads, but once or twice they got up and walked off in a huff. Danny was apparently incapable of taking such rebuffs personally, and would simply hang with Nicholas until the next ‘pretty lady’ caught his eye.
“You are relentless.” Nicholas shook his head as he set down another round of lagers to ease the pain of Danny’s latest dismissal.
“I’m just particular, Nicholas.”
Nicholas stared at him, wondering if by ‘particular’ Danny might mean ‘anything that breathes.’ He shook his head again. “I guess I don’t see the connection.”
“It’s just…er…well…” Danny sniffed.
“Never mind, never mind. You’ll find a pretty lady here soon, if you keep at it like this.”
“Oh, I hope so. Ain’t ever easy.” Danny said reflectively, looking off into some distant fantasy that Nicholas would have paid money to catch a glimpse of.
Unfortunately, this was London, and ‘pretty lady’ was a flexible commodity.
While Nicholas was genuinely in the restroom, Danny picked up a groupie. Nicholas stopped for a moment, wondering how in the hell he was going to deal with this. Different approaches ran through his mind – protective? Jealous? Daddy? – but nothing at all fit the situation, or more importantly, Danny. He walked up and hoped that inspiration would strike him, or that fate would strike him down.
“Oh this is my partner, Nicholas! Nick, meet Sally.”
“Partner?” Sally sat back a little.
Idea.
“Yes. We’ve been partners for over two years.” Nicholas stood next to Danny, closer than he normally would, but Danny did not register it and just smiled.
Sally pulled back more. “Really? That’s…admirable.” She smiled awkwardly, and she was a nice looking tranny and she seemed sincere, and Nicholas did feel a little bad about playing her off so hard. But it had to be done.
“I really just couldn’t imagine anyone else in my life.” He said it pointedly, and she nodded, making a graceful exit, stating that she had to go meet some friends, somewhere.
“Kor, Nick, you scared her off. What you on about?” Danny frowned.
“I don’t think she was your type.”
“She was a red-head!”
Nicholas leaned over into his ear. “She was a man.”
Danny sat, thunderstruck, for several minutes. Nicholas sat down across from him and just busied himself looking around the pub while Danny collected himself.
“How do you know that? For sure?”
“It’s difficult to explain, Danny. I’ve just seen enough of them to know.”
“I thought she was pretty.” Danny said it as if a toy was just taken from him.
“She was.”
“I did not know a bloke could be that pretty…”
“Don’t doubt yourself, Danny. Happens to everyone who tries to date in London.”
“So what you said…you were makin’ like…” Danny pointed his finger at Nicholas in dawning comprehension.
Nicholas raised his hands in surrender. “I said, don’t take it personally. Please. I was just trying to fix an awkward situation.”
“So I should thank you for makin’ like my boyfriend?” Danny squinted, incredulous.
Nicholas considered that, and smiled, feeling very naughty. “Yes, I think you should.”
Danny gave him a look that was almost confused, but not quite, and as many times as Nicholas heard Danny stutter, it seemed that this time it took him forever to get the sentence going. “Errr…nnno...no…but…but I’m glad you scared her..er…him off.”
“You don’t think I make a good boyfriend?” Nicholas grinned, enjoying goading Danny just a little bit. Danny squirmed.
“Ehrm…I’m sure for the right, er, person…” He cast off, adrift, and Nicholas laughed. Finally Danny laughed with him, embarrassed, and Nicholas was happy.
Danny recovered but was a bit more shy about talking to any woman, unless Nicholas was there and approved. It was with no small amount of surprise to Nicholas that Danny actually scored later, and left to ‘visit’ with a girl who was, in fact, very pretty and almost a red-head. Nicholas finished his beer and returned to the hotel room. Alone.
She was pretty and a lot of fun, and liked the same things he did, or at least liked what he did to her, and so it was well past three in the morning before he got back to the hotel room. She let him shower before he left – given the circumstances, a necessity – so he just walked carefully in the room with the lights off in order to avoid waking Nicholas. He snuck into the bathroom and changed into his sweats in the dark and then crept out and into his bed.
“Oi!” Danny screeched in surprise when he practically landed on Nicholas, who fell backwards and slid right off the bed onto the floor in a heap.
“Ow! Crap!”
Danny heard Nicholas crawling around on the other side of the bed and in the next second, the table light was on.
“What’r doin’ in my bed!?!” Danny yelled.
Nicholas was on his knees next to the bed, leaning over it, grimacing in pain. “What? Oh, damn, that hurt…” He groaned as he got up, holding his right hip. “Danny! What are you doing here?”
“It’s our hotel room!”
“I know that! You told me you would not be back until morning!”
“It is morning, Nicholas!”
“It is…wait…it is three am in the middle of the night, Danny!”
“That’s morning! I’m back!”
“Well I figured that out, Danny!” Nicholas was yelling back at him.
“WHY WERE YOU IN MY BED?” Danny howled.
Nicholas froze. “Because it farther away from the room heater. I was getting stuffy but I did not…want to turn off the heater. I did not want the room to be cold…for you.” Nicholas looked confused at having to answer the question. “Wait…wait…oh god, Danny, you don’t think…” Nicholas expression turned to horror.
Danny stepped backwards, ashamed to admit that it was exactly what he had been thinking. Nicholas fell onto his own, un-slept in bed, looking as if he were trying to decide whether to be furious or not.
“No, I am not even going to have this conversation, Danny. I’m going to bed. This never happened, and you are going to bed, and in three hours we are going to wake up in the morning for our last day in London.” Nicholas stood up and officiously turned down his sheets and crawled into his bed, and then looked over at Danny. “Did you have fun?”
Danny did not know what to say. He was mortified at himself about what he was thinking, knowing that Nicholas would never do something that…queer. Danny understood that would never happen. He just panicked, and now he felt like an idiot.
“Nick, I’m sorry.”
“Did you have fun, Danny?” Nicholas asked pointedly.
“Yeah.” Danny just nodded, the high of his earlier encounter completely gone.
“Good. I’m glad. So…good night.” Nicholas rolled over and turned his back on Danny, pulling the sheets up. Danny stepped forward and crawled into his bed, then turned off the light. He rolled onto his side, his back towards Nicholas, and put his head down. He realized that the pillow was still warm from where Nicholas had laid on it, and as Danny turned his face into it he smelled the familiar scent of Nicholas. He breathed deeply, relaxing in it, and rubbed his face against the fabric, feeling wretched for how he treated Nicholas. The girl asked Danny to stay later, in fact, but Danny did not feel right about leaving Nicholas alone for so long. So then he rushed back only to accuse him of something he knew Nicholas would never do. Danny kept rubbing his face into Nicholas’ musty scent on the pillow, needing the comfort of Nicholas next to him, and he had his erection in his hand before he realized what the hell he was doing. He froze, uncertain and terrified of where his thoughts had gone, but his hand felt so warm and comforting against him that he did not let go, and started stroking himself, wondering how he could carry this out without Nicholas hearing him.
“Danny?” Nicholas’ voice drifted out of the darkness.
Danny froze, petrified of what he was just about ready to do and scared that Nicholas, somehow, knew. “Yeah, Nicholas?”
“I am glad you are back, you know. It was lonely here.”
Danny was afraid to reply, but Nicholas’ voice was silken and warm in the dark and Danny instinctively squeezed his cock harder.
“Well. Goodnight, then.”
Danny did not know what he was doing, or why, but he kept stroking himself as he listened and as he answered. “I missed you to, Nicholas. That’s…why I came back…early.” He bit his lip as he said it, his hand barely moving against his cock, but enough to keep the momentum going.
“I appreciate it…I’m sorry I gave you a fright when you got in.”
“Oh…yeah…no problem. I’m sorry I was such…ahhh…a twat.” He tried to sound casual, breathing heavily but slowly and quietly, squeezing his cock, listening for Nicholas.
“No, I understand it was a bit of a shock. I guess it is a good thing I decided to keep my bed clothes on.” Nicholas nearly giggled, and Danny felt like groaning but bit his lip harder, picking up speed on himself. “That would have been a rude surprise!” Nicholas was smiling, Danny could hear it in his voice. “Danny?...”
“Yeahhhh…?” Danny felt like whimpering, trying to hold himself in from gasping or shoving his hips against his hand. His entire body was coiled in tension, trying not to move even as he was desperate to give in to the sensations.
“You sound tired. She must have worn you out.” Nicholas was still smiling.
“Not…ohhh…not really…Nicholas.” Danny felt the impossible, that he had worked himself up silently and practically motionlessly into coming, and he was caught in the moment, using his fingers more than his wrist in order not to betray any arm motions or noises, running his fingers up and down his shaft and then quickly rubbing them hard against the underside of the head, squeezing and pinching. It was too much and he knew he was going to gasp, to make a sound, and he closed his eyes in shame and embarrassment as his orgasm washed over him and he stopped caring. “Oh, god, Nicholassss….”
“What? Danny? Are you alright?”
“Just…just…sorry. I’m sorry.” He gasped a little, trying to recover, his cum spreading out between his fingers.
“Danny, for god’s sake, it really was not that important. Not as important as you are to me…our friendship. Stop apologizing. Don’t make me come over there and hug you or something.”
“No, Nicholas. Please don’t.” Danny’s mind was hazy with exhaustion and emotions he did not understand and he was terrified that Nicholas would touch him and would know.
“Good. Go to sleep.”
“Yeahhh…good night, love.” Danny felt himself drifting off to sleep, still holding himself and still wrapped up in Nicholas: his scent and his words and his voice.
“…..er, good night, Danny.”
Eight Months Later
It was on this trip to London that Nicholas realized he was coming up on a crisis. It was his third year in Sandford and as far as it went, he could imagine staying there for a very long time. Except for the celibate part. He was ostensibly ‘straight’ in Sandford, but women he liked were few and far between in London and non-existent in Sandford. And…he loved Danny. It was not some all consuming passion but it was love, and it was comfortable, and Nicholas did not think he could ever be happy again if Danny was not a part of his life. But being a man meant that there were certain needs you had and there were only certain ways to fill those needs, and porn got boring after the first year.
Worse, Danny started acting very odd after their last trip to London. After a few weeks he calmed back down but Nicholas was no fool, he knew that Danny still suspected that Nicholas was in his bed that night at the hotel room for lascivious reasons. And of course, he was. He really expected to be out of that bed before Danny got back, and it was never his plan to try anything on Danny, but when he got to the hotel that night he thought about Danny, sleeping in that bed, and he thought about Danny having sex and it did not matter who with, it was just the thought of it that undid him. He crawled into Danny’s bed and went for over an hour, masturbating himself over and over until he was drenched in sweat and crying out, humping the sheets and biting the pillow and eventually shoving the pillow between his legs, imagining it as Danny’s head and that he was pushing himself into Danny’s mouth. He pulled it off before he came on the pillow but he knew it smelled like him and he rubbed his face on it, smelling his own sweat and sex, and his final orgasm of the night was so damn near explosive he thought was going to pass out.
He was embarrassed in retrospect that he did not grab the pillow as he got out of the bed, but he figured no harm done, as there was no way Danny would know what Nicholas was doing with it earlier. It was the fallout from being caught in Danny’s bed that was the problem, especially now, back in London, with Danny.
This was vacation. Danny went with him under dire threats that Nicholas was not under any circumstance to be a bender in Danny’s presence. Nicholas was at the point of suggesting that they not go together at all, but Danny stopped him cold.
“Just as long as you promise, then. I don’t want you doin’ that…stuff.”
“Wait; you are going with me just to make sure I don’t do ‘that stuff’?”
“No, that’s not the only reason. I like being in London with you, Nicholas.”
“Not the only reason?”
“Well, you know, it really ain’t right Nicholas and as long as I’m with you, well, you know, you’ll be…normal.” Danny looked upset about saying it, and Nicholas was upset that he did. They argued about it all the way through the movie they were watching and Danny finally apologized. Nicholas still was not happy, but he knew that he could not make Danny into someone he was not, and had to accept his innocent homophobia or not accept him at all.
All of this together caused their vacation to be strained. Nicholas swore he would not be a bender as long as Danny did not hit on any women, and while Danny probably thought that was unfair, he agreed. They got a hotel room with two beds again, and got along alright, but Nicholas could tell that Danny was stressed.
Danny waited. He just knew that Nicholas was going to make a pass at him, and he waited. Nicholas never did, though, and Danny wondered why he was waiting for something he knew he did not really want, anyway. He remembered what happened the last time they shared a hotel room with some shame, convincing himself that he did not get himself off thinking about Nicholas. That was just coincidence, because Danny was simply still horny about the girl he did earlier, so that was that. It had to be that.
He was secretly relieved, though, when Nicholas forbade him to hit on women in exchange for not being a bender. This way Danny could keep an eye on Nicholas every minute they were in London…just in case.
They were back at the notorious bar where Danny first discovered Nicholas’ queer ways, and he was not sure he was happy about that, but it was a spectacular bar full of beautiful women and twenty different beers on tap, so it was a good place to be if you wanted to drink. Nonetheless, Danny kept a sharp eye on Nicholas.
“I told you, Danny, I wouldn’t. Stop staring at me.” Nicholas grumbled.
Danny sniffed and looked away.
“Danny, can’t you get over this?”
“No, Nicholas, I don’t think I can.” Danny finally owned up, with himself as much as Nicholas.
He could tell Nicholas was angry by the way he shut down. He did not answer and looked at his beer as if reading a case report. Finally he got up and walked away, leaving his beer. Danny did not have the heart to go after him, even if Nicholas was planning to go off and be a bender despite the fact that Danny was there. Danny tried to distract himself by looking at the pretty women around him, but all he really felt was that he missed Nicholas.
He looked up and saw that Nicholas was back, and glaring at his beer again.
“Use the loo?” Danny asked, trying to break the ice.
“No.”
“Oh.” Danny crumpled and wilted under the unbearable weight of Nicholas’ disregard. They sat in silence for a long time, and eventually Danny got them another round, and he began to wonder if they were going to sit in silence all night in the bar until it closed. It was a miserable thought.
“Nicholas! Brilliant!”
Danny’s head snapped up at the familiar voice. The wretchedly perfect Joe Marucci was clawing through the crowd to get at them. Danny glared at Nicholas, who shrugged, and with that, Danny knew what Nicholas did when he left the table earlier. He called Marucci, and now Marucci was here, and if life could get worse, Danny did not know how.
Marucci stopped in surprise when he saw Danny at the table, and turned to Nicholas, perplexed.
“He knows, Joe. Doesn’t matter.” Nicholas smiled weakly and shrugged again. Marucci let out the breath he had been holding, and smiled.
“Even more brilliant! Band of brothers!” He came up and threw an arm around Nicholas and held out his hand to Danny.
Danny shook his hand reluctantly.
“Do I sense some trepidation?” Joe turned to Nicholas.
“He’s a little uncomfortable with…me.”
“Sooooo….what? We supposed to get him drunk and seduce him? Will I get a toaster?” Joe smirked, and Nicholas laughed out loud while Danny nearly passed out across from them.
“NO!”
Nicholas shook his head. “No, Danny, no. It’s a joke, an old joke, about straight men. Just a joke. Calm down. Breathe.” Nicholas leaned in and looked him in the eyes, and Danny did have to spend some time thinking about breathing. “Now listen to me. I will not make any more deals with you. It isn’t working. So you are going to have to come to terms with me, or…” Nicholas trailed off at that. “I…care about you, Danny, but this is who I am. You need to see it, and decide for yourself whether you can handle it, and not keep thinking about what people in Sandford say. Decide for yourself.”
Danny looked up at Joe, who was sipping his drink elegantly and looking out over the crowd, keeping himself out of the conversation. Danny looked back at Nicholas and just nodded. He really could not imagine leaving Nicholas alone with Joe, anyway. Well, he could imagine it, but it was not something that made him very happy. He nodded again.
They did ply him with drinks and he let them, trying to relax. Joe kept close to Nicholas, purposefully not getting into Danny’s space at all, and eventually Danny was sucked into a story that Nicholas and Joe told together about a spectacularly messed up training exercise that ended up with half their squad tumbling ass over tea kettle into a stinking retention pond in the dead of winter. It was one of those humiliating, traumatic events that was hysterical in retrospect, and they all nearly collapsed in laughter as Joe described himself emerging from the pond covered in algae and looking like the Met’s own Swamp Monster. He was hugging Nicholas into him as they supported each other, laughing, and Danny thought it did not seem so bad to see Nicholas like this: happy, relaxed, and laughing with him. He could almost pretend that Joe was not even there, and he was the one wrapped up around Nicholas, laughing together.
They stayed very late and eventually were chased out by the staff. They walked along the sidewalk like three normal men would, coming out of a bar pissed and happy, and Nicholas kept giggling for no apparent reason. When they were close to their hotel, Joe grabbed Nicholas and hugged him.
“Come now, Nicholas, let your boy get some sleep. I want you home with me.” Joe smiled down at Nicholas, and Danny felt a burning rage start in his toes and creep up through his blood. Nicholas did not answer at first, and Joe bent down and kissed him. On the lips. Hard. Nicholas reached up and started kissing back, and right at the point that Danny was going to hurl himself onto them to break it up, Nicholas pushed back.
“Not that kind of vacation, Joe.” Nicholas was smiling broadly, turned on, one hand still grasping Joe’s shirt.
Joe glanced over at Danny, for just a second, and his eyes narrowed, but before Nicholas could follow his gaze Joe pulled him back into a kiss, and started running his hands down Nicholas’ back. Danny kept staring and nearly dropped when Joe angled Nicholas’ back to Danny, then opened his eyes as he kissed Nicholas and stared at Danny, full of lust and desire and pride and ownership. Danny did not know what it meant or why he was doing it, but he knew that it was directed at him, and he just stared back, furious.
This time Joe broke off the kiss and then pecked Nicholas on the cheek. “Next time, sailor boy. You two have fun.”
Nicholas just stood there, a bit dazed, watching Joe walk off. He turned, a bit wobbly on his legs, and looked at Danny. “You alright, Danny?”
“Yeah.”
“You…erm, you sure? I wasn’t expecting Joe to try that, honestly.” Nicholas trailed off, worried.
Danny surprised himself with what he said next. “I guess I don’t mind who you kiss, Nicholas. Just as long as you’re with me.” He blushed and stared at the ground. “I mean, you know, as friends…just like being around you is all…”
Nicholas smiled. “I know what you meant, Danny. C’mon, let’s crash. We have a train to catch tomorrow.” Nicholas pulled Danny into their hotel and soon they were arm over shoulders, as always when coming home from the pub, and laughing.
Nicholas laid in bed, listening to Danny snore. His intervention worked, in that Danny finally relaxed and seemed to accept him, and that was a huge relief. It failed spectacularly, however, in helping Nicholas come to terms with his enforced celibacy.
His next trip to London, he promised himself, he would be alone.
One Month Later
Danny was incredibly annoyed at Nicholas going to London without him, even just for a weekend, but he understood. Nicholas sat them down at Danny’s flat and said, simply, that he was going to London, he was going to be bender while he was there, and Danny was therefore not invited. At the time Danny agreed that he did not want to be along for that kind of trip, but now, sitting at work, knowing that Nicholas was doing “that stuff” in London, probably with the insufferably perfect Joe Marucci, he had second thoughts. Most of his thoughts were angrily focused on the idea of Nicholas kissing. He remembered how Nicholas looked when he kissed, and it was…wrong. Danny kept telling himself it was wrong.
When Nicholas came home – and to Danny, Nicholas’ home was Sandford, period – he was in a joyously bouncy mood and everyone, absolutely everyone, assumed why with laser-like precision. Danny glowered at the Andes as they made their bender jokes and pranced behind Nicholas’ back, and he glowered at Walker when he said ‘cock,’ and he glowered at…Nicholas.
Danny sat at his desk, watching his best mate, his partner, act happier than possibly Danny had ever seen before and Danny understood in that moment that he was just damn jealous. He did not really know how to explain it more than that, but he knew that was what he was feeling. He watched Nicholas and realized that when he was happy and smiling and laughing, Nicholas was probably the most beautiful person on the planet, and he was the most beautiful person on the planet right now for all the wrong reasons. Specifically, because none of those reasons had anything to do with Danny. He turned to staring at his desk, trying to stop thinking. It was wrong, somehow, but it did not feel wrong, he just knew it was. He started his breathing exercises.
That night they watched a movie at Danny’s flat, and while Nicholas was finally starting to calm back down to ‘Sandford Standard’ he still was a bit bouncy-happy and it infuriated Danny, who did not want to be jealous and who did not understand how he could be without being a bender, which he most certainly was not.
“What is the matter? That is the third shoot-out you have gotten up in the middle of to go to the kitchen.” Nicholas chided him. Danny stood there and thought of how honest Nicholas was with him, about being a bender and all, and why he went to London without Danny, and Danny knew that he had to be honest too.
“I’m jealous.”
“Of what? I brought back a whole box of chocolates for you from Charbonnel et Walker.” Nicholas pointed at the box in question, which was already devastated.
“Of you. Goin’ to London. Without me.”
“We went over that. You could’ve gone, Danny, but you would not have been very happy with me and what I was doing.” Nicholas shrugged.
Danny crossed his arms, at a loss to explain what he was feeling. “No, that’s not what I mean. I mean…I mean…” He looked down at Nicholas, who was sitting on the couch, in a tee shirt and jeans, looking handsome and relaxed. His eyes were clear and his lips were wet or greasy or something, and Danny knew then what he meant, exactly. He stepped up and grabbed Nicholas by the tee shirt, pulled him up directly into his lips, and kissed him. Nicholas wrenched himself and fell down on the couch.
“What the hell are you doing?!” Nicholas scrambled.
The shock of what he just did fell on Danny like a ton of bricks and he sat down on the coffee table, horrified. “Oh god, Nicholas! I’m a bender!” He put a hand over his mouth. Nicholas, still half on/off the couch, laughed.
“No you are not! Danny…whatever this was, it doesn’t mean what you think, okay? I’m sure you are NOT a homosexual. You just…”
“…kissed you.” Danny still had his hand over his mouth. Nicholas started to look worried.
“Danny, breathe. Remember those exercises I taught you. I want you to breathe.” Nicholas sat on the couch across from Danny, not touching him, while Danny started breathing regularly again. He watched Nicholas’, who was worried and upset by now, and how he moved and the look on his face and that was it, for Danny. It was wrong and he thought now he was going to have to move to London and never go to church again, but he wanted Nicholas. He lurched forward and grabbed him and rolled on top of him on the couch, keeping most of his weight off to the side but pinning Nicholas as if under a truck, and kissed him. Nicholas tried to push him off, but not for every long, and they eventually sank into a long, slow, mouthy kiss that seemed to well out of the depths of Danny’s soul. Finally Nicholas pushed them apart and scooted back on the couch as Danny sat up. In shock.
“…um…are you alright?” Nicholas inspected him from a distance.
“No, not really.”
“I can imagine.”
“My father will die if he finds out.”
“Most fathers do.” Nicholas said ruefully.
“Your dad? He knows?”
“Yes. You think you are smart when you are young, but…nothing new under the sun. He nearly disowned me.”
“I never knew that.”
“I try not to bring it up in casual conversation.”
“Yeah…so, you think I’m really a bender now?”
“I think you are very confused.”
“What do you mean? I kissed you. You’re a guy.” Danny waved his fingers as if doing math in the air.
“I think you care a lot about me. I think you were mad at me for going to London without you, and you were jealous, and you just think that this what you do when you are jealous.”
“You mean the kissin’, right?”
Nicholas sat up completely and crossed his feet. “Yes, that. Maybe you are just trying to prove to me how much you care about me in a way you think I’ll…like.”
“Maybe I am.”
“Maybe.”
Danny considered the point thoughtfully.
“Danny, if you were homosexual it would be more than kisses. It would feel…like you do about girls. You’d fantasize about them and look at porn with them in it and…well, um, you know.”
“Get off.”
“Er, yes.” Nicholas was trying not to laugh, but Danny thought that it was good point, and then realized that he had done exactly that at the hotel when he got himself off listening to and smelling Nicholas. He knew it was true, even for all the time he spent convincing himself it never happened that way. Danny continued to think, leaning back on the couch. He thought more about Nicholas. He closed his eyes and imagined him in his uniform, looking starched and professional; how he looked on his morning runs, the few times Danny had seen him; how he looked in London, in his corduroy jacket and fitted shirts. He imagined him changing clothes in the locker room, down to basic underwear and nothing else…
“DANNY!”
Danny’s head snapped up and he realized he had his hand down his pants, holding on to a very nice erection. He stopped, horrified, feeling the same shame he had the night in the hotel room: the same embarrassment and guilt. He looked at Nicholas whose expression was thunderstruck. Danny was frozen in place, knowing how he felt and what he had done before and what he was doing now.
“I was thinkin’ about you.”
Nicholas face turned to pure shock and he froze.
“Danny, stop.” Nicholas pulled back further and set his feet on the floor. He was not leaving but he was not going to allow Danny to continue. Danny pulled his hand out of his pants and looked at it, as if it were infected. Nicholas grimaced. “Maybe I really should go, Danny.”
Danny frowned, close to tears, desperate to keep Nicholas next to him but terrified of what would happen if he did.
“Nicholas…” Danny whispered, unable to talk.
“Danny, whatever you are feeling, it doesn’t mean what you think. You are just confused.”
Danny shook his head. He was very confused, as his raging hormones collided with everything he knew to be true about himself, and suddenly he did not know what was true anymore.
“Danny?” Nicholas leaned towards him, but did not move close.
“I…damnit, Nick, I don’t know anymore…but I do love you, Nicholas, and I was jealous…”
“I know you love me, Danny. It’s okay for two men to love each other as friends. You’ve just been through a lot trying to accept me over the past year and I appreciate it, but it doesn’t change who or what you are, okay?”
“I don’t…I don’t think I love you as a friend, Nicholas.” Danny said it and he knew it was true and he felt his hands shaking in disgrace. “And I liked kissing you, and…before, when we was in London…” Danny stopped, simply unable to admit how he felt or what he had done. Nicholas looked confused, but plowed ahead.
“Danny, I’m leaving. I love you and you are my partner and I will not abandon you or get mad at you, whatever it going on. But I really do think you are confused and I don’t think my being here is helping right now. I will see you tomorrow. We will work together and we’ll have lunch together and we’ll talk about this tomorrow night. Agreed?” Nicholas talked slowly and evenly as he stood up, and for all that Danny did not want him to go, ever, he was glad that Nicholas was keeping everything calm.
Danny just nodded, collapsed under the weight of his shame and desire and confusion. Worse, the only thing that he could concentrate on as Nicholas left the flat was that in a pair of fitted jeans, Nicholas Angel had a hell of a nice ass, and that he, Danny Butterman, was getting a hard on just thinking about it.
>Yes?
>Danny. Butterman. Nix partner.
>Right. Remember you. How R U?
>Ok. Tnx.
>So how is Sandford?
>Ok.
>How U get my IM?
>Off Nix puter.
>He kno?
>No.
>What going on?
>Am I gay?
>WTF how should I know? Only if you want to be. (smiley face)
>How do U kno?
>…you want Nick?
>Yeah.
>Then you kno.
>Yeah?
>Yeah.
>Thnx Joe.
>Kss him 4 me.
>No.
>ROFLMAO!
Danny stayed glued to his computer most of the day, ignoring Nicholas, who was not bothered by that. The whole drama of the night before sent him home in a delirium of hope and desire and lust, and he spent a good portion of his before-bed shower laying down in the tub with the hot water pouring over him as he masturbated himself into a frenzy, penetrating himself with his fingers and pumping his cock, remembering the weight of Danny on top of him. After that he was able to think rationally and realize that Danny was not, could not, be gay. From that point on, misery descended, and Nicholas did not know what to do.
>Hello, Joe.
>WTF its Waterloo Station.
>?
>Busy, Nick. What up?
>….Danny.
>Been over this.
>No. He hit on me.
>Good lad! Nice shagging?
>!!! NO!!!!11!!!!
>U R uptight and alwz wz.
>...Okay, okay, whats the prob?
>He’s confused.
>Mmmm. No.
>U ‘member kiss outside hotel?
>?? I stayed at your place last weekend.
>No. When Danny wz here w/U.
>Just barely. Hazy. You tried to take advantage of my intoxication.
>Yes, of course. anywy Danny not happy w/that.
>No kidding. He is very provincial.
>U only person who use that word in IM, u arse.
>? Point?
>He wz jealous.
>Yes, that’s what he said.
>*headdesk*................why we have this discussion?
>I don’t know how to handle this. Danny’s confused.
>No, you r. Go away.
>What?
>Kss Danny 4 me.
>What? No!
>heh. /user has left conversation.
They sat on Danny’s couch, Nicholas shaking his head.
“Danny….”
“If I am a bender, I mean, you’d like, think I’d know by now. How could it just surprise me like this?”
“I am very much convinced that you are not a homosexual.”
“Why? Seemed simple when Joe explained it.”
“When Joe…? Joe who?”
“Nobody.”
“Bloody hell, Danny, you did not talk about this with anyone in Sandford, did you? Oh Christ! Joe Norton! At the news shop? Oh god Danny…!” Panic spread across Nicholas face.
“No no no, not Joe Norton.”
“Then who?”
“Er. Joe Marucci?”
Nicholas stared at him in stony silence before speaking. “When did you talk to Inspector Marucci?”
“Erm…earlier?”
“On the phone?”
“Noooo…not exactly.”
“On IM?”
“Yesssss.” Danny nodded.
Nicholas slapped his forehead. “That lying fuck!”
“Nicholas!”
“I was with him all weekend and he never said a thing about talking to you!” As soon as he said it, Nicholas realized his gaffe and stopped cold.
“So it was ‘im, then? I thought so.”
Nicholas just shook his head, disappointed. “I didn’t mean for that to come out. I know my proclivities upset you.”
“I didn’ IM him until today, Nicholas.” Danny stared at his beer.
Nicholas pursed his lips. “Fine, I’m sorry I misunderstood. But…what did he say to you?”
“I asked him if…well, he said, if I want you, then I am. An’ I do. So I am. Right?”
“Oh, Danny…bloody hell…no, that’s not necessarily true. He was having at you.”
“Said something about a toaster.”
Nicholas laughed, putting a hand over his mouth. “I promise, Danny, next time I’m in London I’ll use unnecessarily harsh restraining force against him.” Nicholas was snickering into his hand, his eyes closed tight, trying not to break down in hysterics.
Danny thought he should be laughing too, but he could only bring himself to smile at Nicholas’ beautiful, beautiful face, lit up with humor. They sat in silence as Nicholas composed himself.
“Really, Danny….”
“I do want you.”
“What?”
“I do want you. I think about you. You know I do, you was here…last night.” Danny felt the shame come back to him and he blushed. Nicholas did not say anything. “I did a lot of reading today, on the internet. About, you know, homo-sexuality. You know there are a lot of people out there who don’t think its unnatural.”
“There are a lot of people who do.” Nicholas sat back, talking quietly, reflectively.
“I can’t think anything you do is unnatural, Nicholas, even if it ain’t right.”
Nicholas smiled. “Score one for me, then. But Danny, what you feel for me…I honestly have to say if that was where things were going between us, it would have happened a lot sooner than this. It never did. Not that…” Nicholas stopped.
“That time in London: you weren’t in my bed because of the heater in the room, were you?”
Nicholas stared at him, surprised, unable to answer at first. “I was not there to seduce you, Danny, I swear. I really thought you were not coming back to the room until later.”
“So why were you there, then?”
Nicholas worked his jaw, obviously trying to think of something to say.
“Why, Nicholas?”
“I just wanted to be where you were.” Nicholas looked down, blushing furiously, and unable to look him in the eyes.
“So you think about me, like that?”
Nicholas snorted, trying to think. Finally he nodded. “Yes, I do. Of course I do. I’ve been in love with you for years, Danny.” Nicholas rolled forward and put his head in his hands. “Damn. I never meant to burden you with this. You really should not have asked, Danny.”
“Why not? I got a right to know.”
“I suppose you do. I just never wanted this kind of tension between us. I always wanted you to…trust me. That I would never try anything, or do anything, to ruin our friendship.”
“Well you haven’t. I kissed you, remember?”
“I remember it very well, thank you.” Nicholas sighed heavily into his hands.
“Why am I talking you into this, Nicholas?”
“What?” Nicholas looked up.
“Well you think of me like that, and I think of you like that, and well it seems…okay…but you just don’t want to believe me.”
“You’re right, I don’t.”
Danny shook his head.
“Danny, I don’t want to think that I have, er, influenced you unduly. I don’t want you think that you are a bender now for the first time in your life because you feel something for me. Maybe you do want me, I’m willing to accept that to a point, but for you to upend your whole life…for me…no, I can’t accept that.”
Danny thought heavily for a while. “Thank you, Nicholas.”
“You’re welcome, Danny.”
They sat down and watched The Replacement Killers and Nicholas swatted Danny when he pointed out that Chow Yun Fat was very good looking in a suit.
>He loves you.
>I kno.
>He’s worried about you.
>Yeah.
>R U worried about U?
>A little.
>Come to London.
>No touch. Promise.
>Damnit Danny, get yr arse down here.
>Nick wont like.
>Nick? Nick who?
>Not funny. [frowny face]
>Bloody hell. Fine. Tell Nick u r spending weekend w/me.
>I am?
>Yes. You are.
“The HELL you are!” Nicholas was yelling.
“He invited me!”
“No! You are NOT going!”
“I’m a grown man and you are my boss, NOT my father!”
“He’s a BENDER, Danny!”
“SO ARE YOU!!!!!”
“I am ALSO your friend and I would NEVER touch you!”
“We KISSED!”
“No! You kissed me!”
“You liked it!”
Nicholas glared. “That is so utterly off the point of this conversation, I will not even deign to refute it.”
“…what?”
“The point is, you are NOT going!”
“I can if I want to!”
“No!”
“Yes!”
“Not without me, you aren’t!”
“You! You just want to get back up to your boyfriend!”
“WHAT? He is not my boyfriend!”
“I seen him kiss you!”
“You kissed me! That doesn’t make us boyfriends!”
“You stayed with him! I know what you did!”
Nicholas paused and lowered his head. “No, you sure as hell don’t know, Danny, and I don’t think you want to.” Nicholas growled, finally, really, very very angry, and Danny realized with shock that he was stalking him.
“…stay away from me, Nicholas!” Danny pointed at his chest as Nicholas advanced. “I mean it!”
“Why?” Nicholas’ voice was low and quiet as he crept up on Danny.
“Because…you wouldn’t ever do something like that!” Danny backed up.
“Maybe I would.”
“No!”
Nicholas stopped, but still looked like a predator, angling for his prey. “You’re going to stay with Joe, Danny. Maybe I should warm you up for what to expect from him.”
Danny’s jaw dropped. “He said he would not touch me and I believe him! Stay away!”
“Joe touching you is the only reason to stay with him in the first place.” Nicholas advanced another step and Danny tried backing up again, but he was at the wall.
“Stop it!”
Nicholas did stop, and started to pull back, but Danny was furious at this point. “You’re just jealous that I might do something with your boyfriend!” He yelled, and Nicholas stepped back as if slapped.
“Would you?” He asked, shocked.
Danny opened his mouth to say, ‘no, and don’t be a twat about it’ but he could not say it. Suddenly he was not sure why he agreed to visit Joe in the first place and he wondered if, maybe, he secretly really wanted for the impossibly tall and trim and handsome Joe to…Danny slapped a hand over his mouth.
Nicholas backed up even further, horrified. “He’s…he’s not my boyfriend, Danny…” It was obviously all he could think of. Then his expression turned dark as Danny’s lack of denial sunk in. “You’re not going.”
This only made Danny angry again. “I can if I want to! And what I do there is none of your business!”
Nicholas bounded forward into him and grabbed his shirt. “What you do is ALWAYS my business, Danny!”
Danny grabbed his arms and shook him and suddenly Danny was falling forward onto the floor, forgetting yet again about Nicholas’ judo tricks. He managed not to crash into the coffee table, although he pushed it a good foot across the floor as he rolled. He got up to his knees before he felt Nicholas on him, grabbing his shirt again, leaning down over him, low and dangerous.
“You. Are. Not. Going.”
“Nicholas! Let go!” Danny fought at his hands.
“No.” Nicholas balled up more of the shirt, pulling Danny closer to him. “Never.” He closed the space between them and kissed him, powerfully and without reservation, forcing Danny’s mouth open and moving his tongue into him. Danny wrapped his hands around Nicholas’ forearms, but not to move him, just for balance.
Nicholas kept standing, leaning over the kneeling Danny, as they kissed. Finally Danny pulled a foot out to stand up and Nicholas bounced off him.
“Oh Jesus Christ, Danny…” They stood, staring at each other, both appalled in completely different ways.
“You really don’t want me to go because your jealous. That’s it? Yeah?” Danny pointed at him.
“Damnit.”
“Yeah…” Danny went and sat down on the couch. He was confused now, about everything. It seemed so simple in IM with Joe, and it felt so right when it was happening, and he knew that it was all so incredibly wrong. Nicholas stood over by the wall, banging the back of his head against it. “Nicholas, stop.”
Nicholas looked over at him and Danny scooted backwards. It was the predator again, looking at him as dinner on a plate, hungry and frightening and utterly ruthless.
“Okay, okay, I won’t go!” Danny said, holding a hand out to keep Nicholas away from him. He was not really scared, just disconcerted, and confused about what he should do other than say anything at all he thought might keep Nicholas happy. But it did not work.
Nicholas walked slowly across the room, staring at Danny. “I’ve done everything for you. I’ve given up half my life for you. I’ve lived like a celibate monk in a rural village in the middle of nowhere FOR YOU.”
“…I said I’m not going, Nicholas…” Danny frowned as Nicholas prowled.
“No. You aren’t.” Nicholas walked around Danny, not getting close to him, which was almost scarier than if he had just pounced. Danny watched carefully as Nicholas went and sat on the other end of the couch, putting both feet up on it, facing Danny with his back against the arm rest. He leaned forward and unbuttoned his shirt, and took it off, and then peeled off his undershirt. He removed his shoes and socks and then unbuttoned his pants. He never took his eyes off of Danny, and his expression was primal and raw. Danny was beyond nervous to the point where his hands were shaking.
“Er, what you doin’, Nicholas?” Danny scooted back a little.
“Watching you.” Nicholas climbed out of his pants and laid back a little, naked on the couch. Danny could not stop staring at him, or his erection. Danny felt himself getting hard and wondered what Nicholas expect him to do. He was, in truth, scared of his attraction to Nicholas and what he wanted to do about it, but it was difficult to keep thinking that it was wrong and immoral when Nicholas reached down and began stroking his cock delicately with his fingers. Even then he kept his gaze locked on Danny.
“Nicholas…” He whispered.
“This is why I was in your bed, Danny. This is what I did. You asked; you want to know. I did this, and I thought of you, and I wanted you. I…” He sucked in breath as he wrapped his fist around himself and began rubbing skin. “Ohhhh, god, I did this, Danny, for a very long time…” He finally broke off eye contact and shifted on the couch to bring himself lower and rest his head on the arm rest. His feet were at Danny’s thigh and digging into him for balance as Nicholas hips started rolling slowly in time with the strokes of his fist. Danny knew he had to be a part of this, his whole body was crying out in desire for Nicholas, but he simply did not know what to do. He laid a hand on Nicholas’ leg and started rubbing it, feeling the muscles tensing under him. Nicholas righted his head and looked at him, but he did not say anything, just kept stroking and slowly going faster until he was pumping his cock, and gasping, as Danny ran his hand up one leg and grabbed it, hard, just above the knee to help hold Nicholas down.
It was almost an after thought for Danny that his other hand was well into his own pants and stroking himself.
Nicholas’ body was writhing and covered with sweat. Danny really did not understand how he went for as long as he did, but it was the most erotic thing he ever saw in his life, as if Nicholas had turned into his own private porno movie just for him. Danny was breathing very heavily but was unwilling to take himself too far, and so went slowly on himself, watching, his head resting against the back of the couch. Finally it seemed that Nicholas was getting himself into a crisis, rolling his entire body into his thrusts, crying out softly and moaning with his head back, and then he took his other hand and stuck his fingers in his mouth. Danny bucked then, so see his mouth open and wet and the dripping fingers coming out of it, and then bucked again when he realized what Nicholas was about to do. As he panted and groaned he lowered that hand past his other one, behind his ball sack, and pulling up on his hips fingered himself in a quick, jerky motion, and then simply went off. His body tensed and released as his hips pounded into the couch and Nicholas finally came, gasping, crying out, rolling onto his side and curling into himself as if he had been sucker punched in the gut.
Danny felt disconnected from reality as Nicholas stretched back out, grabbing napkins off the coffee table to wipe off his hands. He ran the cleaner hand over his head and rested with that arm behind him, staring dreamily at Danny and smiling. Danny smiled back and he knew then, that whatever anyone else may think, he really thought that he needed nothing more on earth than Nicholas. Danny leaned into the couch again, still stroking himself, knowing what he wanted but afraid to ask.
“You alright, Danny?” Nicholas finally asked.
Danny nodded, then shook his head.
Nicholas sat up a little, watching the hand moving in Danny’s pants. “How far do you want to take this, Danny?”
Danny shook his head, almost beyond words. “Wot you mean?”
Nicholas tossed his head back and sighed, disappointment written over him, but silent. He stayed like that for a second, and Danny thought he might come just looking at him, when Nicholas sat up. “Here, let me.” He reached out, and Danny stopped.
“Wait…you mean, like, fuck?”
Nicholas gave a small, short, laugh. “Never mind, here…”
Danny pushed his hands back. “Say it, Nick. That what you mean?”
Nicholas nodded slowly, then looked away, embarrassed.
“Me on you? Or…”
Nicholas was suddenly up on his knees next to him, grabbing his shirt, and kissing him. Danny let go of himself and wrapped his arms around the perfect, naked, hot body pressing against him and he groaned. Nicholas broke the kiss, leaned into Danny and sighed. “Damnit Danny I always promised myself I would never, ever touch you, or make advances on you, or do anything, but I want this so much…I want YOU so much, it breaks me. God yes Danny I want you inside of me and I’d do anything for that but if you can’t, if you won’t, I understand.”
Danny tightened his grip around him and for the first time, as lovers, they hugged each other.
“Yeah, Nick, I can do that. I even want to.”
Nicholas laughed. “That’s a good sign. If you’re sure…”
“I…guess I don’t know, anymore. You’re here, yeah? And I get off thinking about you. Not much I can do about that.”
“Not when you put it that way, no.”
Danny thought some more, even as he kept stroking himself lightly again. “No, I want this, Nicholas. I really do.” It was not really true, because truthfully, he was not sure he was comfortable with being ‘gay’ now, but knew with utter certainty what he wanted from Nicholas.
Nicholas stared at him, trying not to laugh. Danny shrugged and pumped himself hard with his hand.
“Come on, Nick. Turn over.” Danny raised his eyebrows and smiled. Surprised, Nicholas grinned and frowned at the same time.
“Danny?”
“Yeah?”
“You have any idea what I’m asking you to do?” Nicholas asked.
“Yeah.”
“Really? You do?”
“Nicholas, I aint’ a virgin.”
“I know, but this is not…”
“You know in London, when you was watching me so hard hitting on all those girls?” Danny pushed Nicholas over onto his stomach and took off his own shirt, then undid his pants. Nicholas looked over his shoulder in worried surprise.
“I wasn’t watch…yes, I remember.” Nicholas was watching now, as Danny started stroking himself again and moved up the couch to crouch behind Nicholas, in between his knees. He ran a hand over Nicholas’ back and ass and Nicholas gasped.
“You know how some gave me dirty looks?”
“Yes, I do…oooghod, yes…” Nicholas bowed his head as Danny’s hand ran down to his ball sack and rubbed it. It was odd to be rubbing that on another man, but it was Nicholas, and Danny just felt sexual watching his reactions to the touch.
“I always ask first if they want to get it in the ass. Not worth my time if they don’t.”
Nicholas jerked around to stare at him and Danny grinned.
“Told you I was particular. I know what I’m doin’.”
In fact, Danny was thrilled to be doing what he knew he did best. He broke for a second to retrieve his bottle of lube from the back bottom drawer of his dresser and finally got down to business. It was no different, really, except that Nicholas was thinner and more hard-bodied than any girl, but Danny suddenly saw that as unbearably sexy. He thought maybe he always had, and just never understood it that way. He slicked himself down with the lube and used his hands to push Nicholas’ apart and moved his cock to press just against the sensitive puckered skin of his anus. The pleasure for him was the idea of being somewhere he was not supposed to be, doing something that he was not supposed to do, and now, with Nicholas under him, that feeling was increased ten-fold. He wrapped his hands around Nicholas hips and pushed into him as he pulled on his hips and he finally felt the give as he entered him. Nicholas cursed in pleasure and twitched his back and his muscles contracted, throttling the tip of Danny’s dick, trying to force it back out instinctively. Danny knew all this and paused until the muscles relaxed and pushed again, and again, slowly moving out a fraction before going back in to the point where when, finally, he was completely inside of Nicholas, he was actually thrusting into him. He pulled himself up to angle down more, and it hit Nicholas hard, who cried out.
“Jesus Christ, Danny!”
“Yeah? Okay?”
“God yes don’t stop!”
Danny nodded, even though Nicholas could not see him, and started again, gaining momentum and pressure and finally Danny was at the spot he loved, swinging in and out, their bodies moving against each other in a smooth, unhurried motion. He did not like the frantic ass-pounding kind of sex, he enjoyed the slow surge and gentle rocking and unbelievable pressure that built up until he could do nothing else but come.
“Nick…Nick I’m going to come…please…”
Nicholas was nearly choking but answered. “What?”
“…say my name…”
“Yes, Danny…god yes…Danny…”
And with four hard, measured, powerful strokes, Danny cried out for Nicholas and came.
They laid sprawled on the couch where they fell. Danny ran his hands over Nicholas’ body, every inch he could reach, and Nicholas hummed in satisfaction.
“Nicholas?”
“Yes.”
“So you think I really am a bender, now?”
“Oh, yes.”
> And?
>All good!
>Yes, he is.
>JOE!
>Nvrmnd Danny. Have fun. Question:
>Yeah?
>I get toaster?
>What?