No additional warnings for this scene.
Danny woke up the next morning alone. It was not too unusual, as Nick often got up for runs at ungodly hours. Danny did not complain as he liked Nick’s body just the way it was – even if he did not get to touch much of it.
He puttered around Nick’s kitchen making tea and breakfast resembling an omlette or scrambled eggs or eggs with cheese, and waited. And waited. By 9am he understood that something was wrong, got dressed in the spare clothes he kept in the hall closet, and went out to look for Nick. He found him sitting on the bench overlooking the small sheep field at the castle, mostly thanks to stopping by the department and radioing around to everyone until someone told him where Nick was.
“Kor, you aren’t easy to find, Nick.” He sat down on the bench next to him.
“I’m sorry you had to come looking for me.”
“You okay about last night?” Danny figured: get the heart of the matter. Sometimes Nick really did act like a girl and just needed to talk about things.
“Do you love me, Danny?” Nick turned and looked at him and Danny did not like what he saw.
“I’m ‘ere, aren’t I?” He smiled.
Nick put his hands on his knees and bowed his head. “You deserve better.”
“What the ‘ell does that mean? You leavin’, then?”
Nick shook his head and Danny started breathing again.
“You think some those blokes last night gonna come steal me from you?” Danny laughed, genuinely amused by the idea.
“I think I don’t treat you fairly.”
“I let you, then, if y’don’t.”
Finally Nick laughed, although it sounded hollow and rough.
“We gon’ spend the whole day here, lookin’ at a field?”
“Danny…what if I can’t…ever?”
Danny blinked. “What? Leave the field? We just get up and walk, Nick.” Danny pointed.
“No. No, Danny, that’s not what I meant.”
“Oh. Oh!” Danny shook his head. “Then you can’t, I guess. And I’ll bitch and moan, and you’ll get fussy and clean Lily’s leaves and we’ll snog a bit and everything will be alright.”
Nick stared at him.
“C’mon, I burned the eggs and the kitchen smells terrible. Let’s stop somewhere and eat.” Danny got up and walked off, knowing full well that Nicholas was going to follow.
Staring the field that morning, Nicholas understood that the wall he hit in the car was his own. He could not face his own fear of actually being attracted to Danny, of needing Danny as anything more than an abstract concept. He did not stop himself because he did not feel any passion or he was not getting aroused or he did not desperately want the person in his arms. He stopped because he did.
Danny was willing to live celibately with Nicholas, forever if necessary. He was willing to keep that wall between them like a mountain if it meant they would be together. Danny was protecting that wall, even, and Nicholas wondered painfully what would have happened if Danny had just forced himself on Nicholas when he was desperate and vulnerable that night in the car.
The days that followed were peculiar for Danny. Nicholas was both more attentive and more distant than ever. He tried several times to kiss Danny when he normally never would, such as in the garden or in the locker room. These were not much more than soft promises, and Danny felt that there was something missing in all of it. It was to the point that Danny was stopping them from snogging at all, putting in movies that he knew Nicholas actually liked (unfortunately, there were not too many) in order to keep him off topic.
It did not help when Josh called one night in the middle of The Usual Suspects, sad and desperate after being dumped by his girlfriend because she found out about his ‘side hobby.’ Danny talked him down from quitting the club and running off join a crappy ‘soccer’ team in the U.S., and they ended up in a long discussion about cheating men and straight men and football and finally Danny got Josh laughing about, naturally, Point Break. At that point he looked up and noticed the movie was long over, that he had been on the phone for an hour and a half, and Nicholas was watching him with dark, angry eyes.
“Nick, he’s my mate, is all. We been friends since we were ten.” Danny awkwardly hung up the phone.
“You fuck a lot of your ‘mates,’ Danny?”
As soon as he said it, he knew he made a terrible mistake. Danny looked at him angrily, but the expression quickly moved to one of tremendous hurt, and then furious determination. They sat on the couch staring at each other before Danny got up and wordlessly went in to get ready for bed.
Nicholas leaned over and put his head down level with his knees, mentally slamming himself into a large, rough hewn, and heavily spiked wall. He jerked up when he saw Danny walk back out and stop to stare at him.
“I think y’need to go home, Nick.”
“Danny…I…”
“Out.”
“…Let me stay on the couch.”
It was a stand-off, but Nicholas knew he was losing no matter what Danny chose. Danny was visibly trying not to cry and he looked up at the ceiling and crossed his arms.
“Danny I was out of line and I know it. I’m just…”
“Jealous?”
“Yes.” Nicholas dropped his head down again.
Danny sniffed. “Y’keep trying to rip me apart, Nicky, and there won’t be anythin’ left.”
“I know.”
“That what you want, then?”
“God, Danny, no. No.” His voice felt strangled.
“Y’know what I want.”
Nicholas just nodded in defeat. Finally it was down to this, and it was his own fault for putting them in a place where Danny did not even know if Nicholas loved him anymore. Nicholas’ mind was screaming that he deserved what he got. “That what you really want, Danny? Fine. Here?” He pointed at the couch. Danny’s eyebrows shot up and he just stared, torn between laughing and looking shocked. “I don’t have any bargaining chips left, Danny.” He looked up at the man he loved but always refused, the man he needed but could not let himself have. “Whatever you want. I’ll do it.” His heart dropped and a raging terror bloomed inside of him but he clasped his hands together to keep them from visibly shaking.
“Really?”
“Christ, yes, really. Danny, yes.” Nicholas nodded fiercely.
“How ‘bout a kiss, then?”
Nicholas looked at him, confused. Danny was smiling. He was not happy, but he was smiling anyway.
“Tonight, I can live on a kiss, Nick.” He turned around and walked back into the bedroom, and Nicholas knew he was welcome there, that he would be safe there, and that Danny would love him there with nothing more than what Nicholas could offer him. He got up.
That Nick was willing to offer himself up on a platter to Danny was enough, for now. Danny knew it was wrong and he knew it would have broken them both apart and that Nick would not have forgiven either of them for the sex or the aftermath. Danny knew all of that, and took Nick into his arms that night as lightly and as carefully as he could. Nicholas reached some kind of understanding and spent half the night apologizing and the other half kissing Danny in what, Danny admitted with a spark of hope, was some of the best snogging they had done in months. Danny suspected that they were coming up on a time that would make or break them, but Nick was not there yet, and Danny had to hold it together until the man just made up his mind. Whether Danny had the stamina to hold out that long himself was the only question that worried him.
The next few weeks were almost normal in fact, and they started on a new weekend laying in bed, enjoying a somewhat routine make-out session. They were both carefully following the rules, dressed in their bed clothes, namely sweats and tee shirts but Danny, as usual, had a hard on. He learned a long time ago how to strategically place himself so that it never contacted Nick. Danny was always careful.
Nicholas pulled back and looked at him, running his hands through his hair in a caressing, loving manner that did absolutely nothing to calm down Danny’s erection.
“Danny…”
“What now, Nicholas?” Danny signed and put his forehead on Nick’s shoulder.
“What does that mean?”
“What does what mean?” Danny did not move. This was Nick in retreat; it was never the same script twice but it was always the same movie.
“You sound…mad.” Nicholas kept his hands in Danny’s hair, but stopped caressing. On cue.
“Not mad.”
Nicholas pulled his hands away to rest them on Danny’s shoulders harmlessly. Act two. “Danny, I do love you. I don’t intend to make you feel this way.”
“You do to.”
“What?” Nicholas was confused at the deviation. This was act three, where Danny was supposed to tell him everything was alright, that they loved each other and it would be fine; but Danny was simply too tired of the games. He decided, particularly given the events of the week before, that he was not going to push Nicholas, nor lay down ultimatums, but he had to start being honest with him.
“You do to, Nick. You want to turn me on, don’ya? You always do. You wouldn’t if you didn’t.” Danny looked up at Nick. “I’m playing by your rules, Nick, but you can’t pretend you don’t know what your doin’ to me.”
Nick’s lips were drained white. “What am I doing to you, Danny?” He whispered.
“This.” Danny used his foot to drag Nick’s closest leg next to him, carefully not leaning too far into Nick, and rubbed his hard-on against Nick’s thigh, their sweat pants not much of a barrier to the heat. That, he knew, was breaking the rules. It was also telling the truth.
Nick did not react at all and stared straight up at the ceiling, holding his breath. Danny could feel his heart pounding and wanted nothing more than to grind himself into oblivion against Nick’s body but he held back so they lay there motionless against each other. Finally Nick gasped.
“Danny…please…” He reached over and grabbed the front of Danny’s tee shirt, balling it into his fist. “I can’t, don’t you know that? After all these months, after what happened in the car…don’t you think…?” The look on Nick’s face was desperate and brutal.
“I don’t think, Nick. You think. You’re always thinkin’. Damn Nicky stop thinkin’!” Danny felt himself snap in the eyes of the raw nerve that was Nicholas under him and this time he was not letting Nick close the window. He rolled his hips against Nick’s trapped thigh, his hard on pushing into both of them, and he groaned with pleasure as he threw himself into kissing the man he wanted, needed, and loved.
Nick did not release his grip on Danny’s shirt but did not push him back. Danny was not worried any more, despite the fact that the situation was out of control, because part him decided that maybe that was exactly what they both needed. Nick might never be free of the emotions that nearly crushed him that night in the car, but Danny was going to try to make him forget, at least for a little while. Danny was determined to show Nick what love making could be.
The kiss was fierce and hard and desperate, but filled with passion. Nick’s mouth opened the moment their lips touched, ready, drawing Danny in with suction, their tongues moving in and out of each other’s mouths, tasting so much like sex that Danny wanted to melt. Danny paused and ran his tongue over Nick’s lips before moving forward again to enter his mouth, and he felt Nick’s tongue move into his own and slide around, exploring him in a way that never happened before. Nick’s head tilted back and Danny felt him sigh, silently, against Danny’s lips.
Danny realized, though, that Nick was keeping his arms glued in place, one on his shoulder and the other holding Danny’s shirt. Nothing was stopping Danny and he ran his hands over Nick’s chest. He kept his hands on top of the shirt, barely touching skin except when the tips of his fingers reached neck or arm, but it still felt marvelous to touch those firm, solid, muscles that he craved so much and he did not bother with keeping his touch light or innocent. He squeezed and rubbed and pushed on Nick as they kissed. He kept his hard on pressed against Nick’s thigh but did not push down, or grind, or even move, and the internal pressure on Danny was leading to the most painful erection he ever had in his life.
As he felt Nick’s body decompress, just a little, he decided it was safe to slid his lips off of Nicholas’ mouth and down to his neck, and he gently sucked on Nicholas’ skin while his hand found one of Nicholas’ tight, erect nipples through his shirt, and finally, finally he heard what Nicholas sounded like when he was turned on. He practically leapt back up to taste the moan that came from Nick’s lips and he pushed his mouth onto Nick so hard their teeth nearly cracked, but neither man broke off. Danny reach and grasped the hand Nick latched on his shirt and pried it away, holding it by the wrist while smothering Nick with his lips and his tongue and his desire. He began dragging the hand down and he felt Nick’s arm tense but Danny was not going to let that happen any more. He pushed Nick’s hand down all the way to Nick’s own cock and Danny nearly rattled in heat when their hands brushed up against what was a very strong erection. Danny forced Nick’s hand down under Nick’s pants until Nick had no choice but to fling himself out of bed or start stroking.
Danny pulled back to look at Nicholas’ face. His eyes were closed and he looked like he was grimacing, which under the circumstances Danny figured he probably was. Still thinking, even now. Danny kept his hand loosely around the wrist of Nick’s hand as Nick rubbed up and down on his cock, to let him know that he was not allowed to stop.
“Nick.” Danny whispered, hovering over Nick’s lips. Nick’s eyes opened and he looked at Danny, nearly blank. “Nick, I need you. Please, Nicholas.” He had to ask. For all that Danny could set this up, going through with it was still Nick’s choice, but he needed Nick to understand what it meant to Danny either way.
Nick nodded. Once. One curt, short nod, and Danny’s world changed.
Nicholas felt like an idiot, his own hand trapped against his cock, instinct taking over those familiar actions while Danny kept a firm grip on his wrist. He felt Danny pull away from him and he heard his name. When he opened his eyes, he saw the well-known expression on Danny’s face: worry, love, caring, and even desire. Danny desired him every moment of every day and Nicholas always pushed that awareness out his mind but it was there, and it was here, and Nicholas understood something about himself that he never wanted to acknowledge, which was his own intense, submerged desire for Danny.
He also saw that Danny was always there for him, and was taking as much or as little as Nicholas gave him. Nicholas felt his unwanted desire for Danny like a stone around his neck, and Danny’s love for him as their only possible salvation.
Danny asked, and he nodded. He nearly exploded with the rush of pleasure that enveloped him as Danny’s body responded instantly, pushing against him, holding Nicholas’ hand to his own cock as Danny’s kiss went deeper and deeper...and Nicholas was terrified.
Danny ground himself against Nick but it was nowhere near enough. He released Nick’s wrist but he felt Nick continue on, pleasuring himself and moving his thigh against Danny’s own erection and vibrating with pent up emotions as they kissed. Danny pulled back and concentrated on taking off his clothes. In all the time they shared a bed, they were never naked, and Danny smiled as he worked himself out of his pants. He sat up to do so, working fast to get back onto Nick, and when he turned he found Nick sitting up next to him. He panicked for a second, thinking that Nick was calling this off, when Nick put his hands on Danny’s chest, as if seeing it for the first time. Danny could feel that he was shaking, and Danny did not know what that meant, so he placed one hand on top of Nick’s and they sat quietly together for a moment. Nicholas eventually leaned into him and kissed his chest, lightly and uncertainly. Danny ran his hands over Nick’s short, ticklish hair and then pulled Nick’s face up to look at him. It was a person he barely recognized, timid and uncertain and scared, and it broke Danny’s heart. For a moment, sitting naked next to the only person in the world he craved, he considered stopping. Nick was shredding to pieces and Danny wanted to fix that, even more than he wanted to make love to him. He suspected he could not do both.
Danny wrapped an arm across Nick’s back as Nick’s head fell back against his chest, trying to figure out what to say, how to back out of this, how to save them both…
“Danny.”
“Yeah, Nick?”
“You have no clothes on.”
Danny laughed, genuinely laughed so hard he thought he would cry. “Yeah, Nick, that’s how it usually works, in’nit?”
Nick did not laugh. “I have clothes on.”
Danny got it, although he paused to consider, thinking that Nick was pushing himself too far. Then, as Nick looked back up at him, pulling away, waiting for Danny, he really got it. Nick knew he could not go forward on his own. That is what stopped him in car, and Danny finally understood what Nick was waiting on: Danny.
He gently pulled Nick’s shirt off and pressed Nick back into the bed, moving to take off Nick’s sweats, and Nick responded to every move as if he was a rag doll. Nick’s hard-on was beautiful, red and swollen and demanding and Danny moved very slowly as he released that area and drew the pants all the way down and off. He thought for a second, suspecting that Nick would be too shy, too uncertain, to let Danny lay in between his legs, so he pushed the legs together and went to bend down over Nick’s cock.
He felt the hand slam into his shoulder like a shock. Startled, he looked up.
“Danny!” Nick stared at him, suddenly back from where he had been, his face confused and flustered and worried. Danny did not know what to say. His actions were obvious, his intention clear, and he thought it might be one thing that would feel familiar to Nick.
Nick looked like he did not know what to say either. They stared at each other. Danny sighed and put a hand gently on Nick’s thigh…and felt the twitch. As if there were still rules, as if Nick had any idea what he was doing. Danny looked at his hand and looked at Nick and felt raging fury rising in him and he could tell from the horrified expression on Nick’s face that he saw it in him.
Danny did not care about the rules anymore. He was not going to let Nick take them this far and turn off; he was not going to let them self destruct like this on Nick’s fears. He moved over on top of Nick and shoved his legs apart with his knees and as he felt Nick start to sit up, to say something in protest, Danny grabbed the back of Nick’s head and kissed him full on the mouth as they collapsed under Danny’s weight onto the bed. Their cocks were side by side, rubbing together and against each other and their sweat was lubricant enough to keep the skin sliding in slick pleasure. Danny held his upper body somewhat lifted by remaining on his elbows but he pushed his hips into Nick’s hard-on and his tongue into Nick’s mouth until he was reasonably certain Nick would not say anything for a while. He felt Nick desperately breathing but Danny kept grinding, knowing that he would come soon and he could deal with Nick after that, and that Nick would at least know then the power of Danny’s passions. But as his pace increased he sensed Nick relax his legs and pull them apart, bending his knees so he could brace his feet on the bed and push his hips back against him in a powerful, slippery grind. Nick’s arms wrapped around Danny and one hand found his hair and caressed and tugged it in all manner of suggestive ways while their mouths worked breathlessly against each other. Danny felt his pressure building even faster and pulled his mouth off of Nick as he wrapped his arms under him and clasped his shoulders with a fierce grip, their heads side by side, breathing heavily into each other’s ears, strange and foreign and beautiful sounds escaping from their mouths. Danny was not sure how much he was going to let go and he did not want to hurt Nick so he tried to dial down but the answering thrusts of Nick’s hips and the hard pressure against him of Nick’s own cock was far, far too much after all this time. Danny was hurling himself onto Nick’s body and crying out Nick’s name and biting his neck and generally trying to break his lover in two when he finally came -- on Nick, to Nick, calling out for Nick with his entire soul.
In the distance he heard his own name. He was utterly crashed and gasping for breath but he still felt Nick pushing against him.
“Danny, ohmygodDanny…” Nick sounded desperate and scared and was practically clawing at Danny’s arms. Something was happening to him that he could not analyze or understand or lock away and damnit, Danny wanted to watch that. He leaned back to sit on his heels, Nick’s legs draping over his thighs, Nick’s cock covered with Danny’s own come, and Nick straining for something he was clearly terrified of. Danny reached out and grabbed Nick’s cock and pumped it, placing his other hand on Nick’s hips to hold down his thrusts. He stared directly at Nick and he kept up the pressure and the strokes until Nick could not take the exposure any more and closed his eyes. His hands grabbed for the sheets and he balled up his fists as his hips started moving in tandem with Danny’s attentions. His entire body was slick with sweat and tears streamed down the side of his face.
“Danny…” Nick was calling out in no particular direction, but he was talking to Danny just the same. “Danny…” He gasped. “Danny I’m so sorry…god what have I done to you…all this time…”
“Shhh, Nicholas. Just, come f’me, love.” Danny slowed down his strokes. Nick was close to hyperventilating and anyway, Danny wanted to make this go as long as he could.
Nick raged, his body in revolt, bucking and sweating in a rush of pleasure and anger and fear. Danny knew that he was breaking through that wall which kept him from Danny earlier, prevented him from seeing the obvious, and stopped him from giving himself over to another man in a more lucid moments. Danny was there, once, and he understood. He took it. This he would take from Nicholas forever, and never need to ask for anything more, because now their love was bound together physically and mentally and emotionally and in all ways that it could be bound, and Danny knew to the depths of his heart that Nick was starting to understand that too.
Nick gasped again and looked directly at Danny, who thought his heart was going to explode at the sight. His body writhed against the sheets and Danny put his elbows on Nick’s thighs to hold him down while his picked up the pace of his hand, moving it more to the tip, increasing friction and pressure just enough to bring Nick down completely. Danny knew he was close and he felt Nick’s hips start moving harder and faster against him. Nick pulled in his arms to brace himself, watching his own hips thrusting into Danny’s hands, his cock held tight in Danny’s fingers, slick with sweat and pre cum. He looked back up to Danny’s eyes and, gasping for air, his entire body shaking, finally said what Danny knew was true all along.
“I fucking want you.” He said it, he closed his eyes, and he came.
Later that night Nicholas woke up in Danny’s arms. It was almost exactly the same position they started in nearly eight months ago when Nicholas woke up from a bad drunk and first realized that Danny wanted him. This time, he knew how he got there, and no, they were not wearing their clothes anymore. Somehow, Nicholas survived.
He still felt crushed by what he put Danny through to get to this moment. Of all the people in the world…but no matter. Danny clearly forgave him and it would be more of a matter of Nicholas forgiving himself.
“Danny?” He whispered, suspecting that Danny was awake. He was, just barely.
“Mmph?”
“I meant what I said.” He trailed his fingers over Danny’s chest.
“Whamph ‘at?” Danny’s eyes creaked open to look at him and they both smiled.
“That I want you. I hope you know I mean it.”
“Sure, Nicky, I do.” Danny nodded and closed his eyes again.
“No, Danny, I mean: right now.” He shoved Danny, who gasped in surprise as he was pushed onto his back. Nicholas had a lot of time to make up for.