No additional warnings for this scene.
Nicholas knew that healthy, emotionally-connected sex was important for a person’s psychological and mental stability. But Janine hit the matter on the head, so to speak, when she accused Nicholas of loving his job more than her. Quite simply, good sex requires some kind of emotional investment that he rarely managed to muster. Despite his straight-laced reputation, he devoted a good deal of time and energy learning how to be a proper lover. He read books and carefully studied both porn and ‘chick flicks’ and tried women, men, older, younger, kinky and American and nothing broke him on a re-occurring basis, because he always felt detached from the process. He was very willing to do anything his partners suggested. They usually suggested that he lighten up and enjoy himself, and of course he tried that too. Every once in a while it worked and he had fond recollections of several ‘peak’ sexual moments that he was very proud of. Still, it just was not something that he managed to be comfortable with; it was like a math problem he knew how to solve but did not understand.
Then, one day, he discovered that he was passionately, madly, and erotically in love.
With a straight man.
Danny stood in the doorway, panting, drenched in sweat, his uniform soaked through, his hair dripping. Nicholas felt the hard on spring on him and pulled his chair closer to the desk.
“Kor, Nicholas, it’s bloody hell out there.” Danny leaned against the door frame.
Nick just nodded, not trusting his voice, while trying to look professionally concerned.
“No one ever seen a summer like this. Gawwww!” Danny gasped for breath and turned so that his back was against the door frame. His head was tilted up and he closed his eyes.
Nicholas had to look down, but he still felt the blush flowing out to his ears. “Mmhmmm.” He coughed, hoping it sounded sympathetic.
“You’re looking boiled too! ’Ey, let’s change out and go to the pub. That new air conditioning system the Browns put in is a-maz-ing!” Danny said, pulling himself off of the supportive door frame and walking into Nicholas’ office. The Browns were the new owners of the pub, who were still “new” despite the fact that over a year had passed since the shootout with the NWA went down. By Sandford standards, they were sure to be “new” for at least another forty years.
As he stared at the boy in front of him Nicholas decided this was it. He was going to get up, grab him by his lapels, throw him onto the desk…push his tongue into his mouth…runs his hands over that broad chest…reach down and…
“No! I…ahhhm…I would, Danny, but I have…a headache. From doing all this paperwork.” Nicholas gestured to his desk, which was spectacularly clear of any paperwork whatsoever. Danny put his hands on his hips and raised his eyebrows, concerned.
“You want me to give you a backrub?”
“…What?” Nicholas was fairly certain that his voice audibly cracked.
Danny shrugged. “Doris says I give great backrubs. Always fixes her headaches up good. ‘Ere…” He held his hands out and moved to march around the desk.
“No! No no no.” Nicholas threw both arms out as if trying to stop a train.
“Now Inspector, he gives incredible backrubs. He does.” Tony stood in the doorway, as wet and dripping as Danny, having just returned from a minor call. “Danny, remember when Jerry got the crup and I was up all hours wit’im? Those migraines I got ‘bout killed me but Danny, here, knocked them right out.”
Danny nodded helpfully, his hands still out in front of him.
“I’ll try to keep that in mind. I’m good for now, thanks.”
Danny shrugged, undefeated. “Maybe later.”
Nicholas wanted to shriek in frustration but he just nodded instead.
“Well Danny let’s go get washed up and down to the pub. I want to try out that new air conditioning.” Tony bobbed his head and walked off. Danny smiled at Nicholas and then wandered off. When he was sure that no one was left to see him, Nicholas rested his arms on the desk, put his head down, and groaned.
He once defined himself as a one-hit wonder: someone or something new and exciting could push him over that edge into passion, but almost never for a second time, which is exactly why he learned to avoid one-night stands: they were addictive. However, after working side by side with Danny and sleeping next to him on the couch and waking up to find the boy nuzzling his shoulder, Nicholas had enough of blue balling and found a lame excuse to visit London. Alone.
Danny was upset. He fully expected that Nicholas would take him to London next time he went, and was not shy about saying so. The Andes loved this, and harassed Nicholas about it to the point where he was actually slinging waste tins back at them, which just made them redouble their efforts. After all, harassing Danny about it was pointless: he either did not get it, or did not care.
“Danny, I have business to attend to, and I will be visiting family. That’s all. You would be bored.”
They sat on Danny’s comfortable and warm couch, talking over Jackie Chan’s Supercop.
“Not the whole time.”
“Danny…”
“I dunno, Nicholas. Just seems like you’re runnin’ away or something.”
Nicholas stared at him.
“Right? Like you’re not happy…here.” Danny glowered and folded his arms, and looked surprisingly paternal.
“I thought you know how I feel about staying here, Danny.” Nicholas slurped his cider, not looking at his partner.
“I do. But you’re not tellin’ me something.” Danny looked straight at him, honest as sunlight, and Nicholas knew that he was damned to lie and damned to truth.
“Danny, sometimes…sometimes a man has to do some things by himself.”
“Like get off?”
Nicholas spit out his drink.
“I mean, you know, some things are personal, that’s all. You okay? Here…” Danny handed him a napkin from their take-out dinner so he could mop himself up.
“That’s not quite what I meant, but I think…erm, well, yes.”
“So you’re going to London to get some?” Danny shrugged thoughtfully, as if this were something he should have thought of a long time ago.
“That is NOT what I said, Danny!”
“Oh. Can’t you get some here? You know I could set you up with Aunt Marsha…” Danny chewed his lip, deep in consideration of how to solve this problem for Nicholas.
“Danny, stop! That’s not the point of this conversation?”
“It isn’t?”
“No!”
“Then why are you going? Without me?”
“Danny. You are a very good friend. Please understand that. But we can’t do everything together.”
“Why not? Well I mean, aside from, you know, that.”
As that was part of the reason for this whole conversation, Nicholas had no answer. He shrugged in defeat.
“So I’m coming with you?”
“Yee…no. No.”
“You almost said yes.”
“No. Absolutely not, Danny.”
London with Danny was fun. There was no other word for it. Nicholas showed Danny where he stabbed in the hand, with Danny re-enacting the whole scene incredibly inaccurately. They visited the Met headquarters and Danny nearly fell down the stairwell, he was so in awe of the place. Nicholas spent some time doing damage control when word got out that “Butterman is in the building” since most people only knew of Danny’s father because he was up on multiple murder charges. Butterman was a name in disgrace in the service, a fact which Nicholas had thus far been able to shield from Danny. When Danny realized why people were going out of their way to stare at him, he asked Nicholas what they could do about it.
“Nothing, Danny. You’ll just have put up with it, I suppose. They don’t know you and probably were not even aware you existed.”
Danny nodded, looking around. “I s’pose…I’ll just have to be the best policeman officer ever, to make up for Dad.”
“That’s a good way to think about it.”
“Still never be as good as you.”
Nicholas blushed and told him they had to leave in order to make it to dinner with his mother.
“So you’re Danny? Lovely! Do come in.” Nicholas mother was as formal and polite as ever. She was tall, elegant, immaculate and well educated, and still disapproved of the service as a proper career for her youngest. She reminded Nicholas regularly that she really had meant for him to go into musical theater.
“Yes, Mrs. Angel. Thank you.” Danny shook her hand and walked into the house, nearly tripping over the antique Art Nouveau umbrella stand. It was signed and numbered. Nicholas’ mother paled and glared at Nicholas, who grimaced right back at her. Danny asked a lot of questions about the African tribal masks on display and said that his favorite musical was Grease, and inquired about why she put carpets up on the walls if she had steam heat anyway. Nicholas, who spent most of the trip prior preparing himself mentally for this disaster, just sat silently, answering polite questions and eating the tete de veau, which after all was something like comfort food to him. Danny ate it, but unwillingly and out of a drilled-in sense of manners. When everything was cleared away, Danny perched nervously on the couch next to Nicholas, who was sprawled back with his arms stretched out in this most familiar of environments for him, as his Mother served up a nice Cabernet Sauvignon. Then she served up Nicholas.
“How long will you be in Sandford?”
“For a long time, Mother.”
“Will you be buying a house?”
“No, Mother, I have a cottage provided for me.”
“A cottage.”
“A very nice cottage, Mother.”
“And him?”
“Me?” Danny looked at Nicholas in confusion.
Nicholas took a moment to process, then lurched up. “He’s a friend, Mother.” He said it warningly, knowing that she knew his voice well enough to hear what he was telling her. Danny just bounced his eyes back and forth between them, as if watching a tennis match.
“I’m not an idiot, Nicholas.” She was going to push the matter, was her return tone of voice to him.
“Mother…”
“So he’s the reason you’re staying out there in the sticks?”
“Mother!”
“Sure, Mrs. Angel.” Danny looked at her, as if explaining that the sky is blue. “We’re partners. That’s what partners do.”
Nicholas went stone-faced. He thought he would die, right there, on his mother’s incredibly expensive Moroccan Berber carpet. She slowly turned her head and smiled at him, enjoying her victory.
“Of course, Danny. I understand perfectly. More wine?”
“You’re mum’s nice!” Danny said as they walked into their hotel.
“She’s a witch.”
“Nicholas! You do not say things like that about your mum. I don’t ever want to hear you say that again.”
Nicholas snorted.
“She can’t cook, though.”
As Nicholas thought the food was the only redeeming feature of that horrific experience, he did not answer. They got up to their room and Nicholas collapsed into the chair near the window, mentally calculating how many years it would be before he ever tried to visit his mother again. He thought ten was a nice, round number.
Danny sat on the edge of his bed, expectantly.
“What?”
“Well…aren’t we going to…you know?” He bounced on the bed. Nicholas’ skin went utterly red and his vision blurred.
“Wha…?” He lost his voice.
“You know! Go out and get you some! Saw a few pubs close by, looked busy!”
Nicholas was speechless. He had completely wiped that part of his plans out of his mind the minute he said Danny could join him in London. He really did not need anything else when Danny was around, anyway. Other than Danny, of course.
“Er…”
“Com’on! Put on some more aftershave and let’s go. It’s only eight o’clock, Nicholas! We’re on vacation! In London! Kor you can be thick sometimes…” Danny shook his head, amazed by Nicholas’ stupidity, and got up to change shirts.
Danny hustled them out of the hotel as Nicholas repeatedly stated that he was tired, he was not feeling well, his stomach hurt, they planned on getting up early, and…
“Nice place.” Danny smiled as the sat with their lagers in a semi-fashionable bar filled with young professionals and their hanger-ons. “Pretty girls here, Nick. I think you’ll do alright.”
“Danny…have you really considered the logistics of this?” Nicholas was so close to panic that he felt like laughing.
“What y’mean?”
“Just say, I do met a girl and ‘get some.’ Where will you sleep?”
Danny considered this. “Mmm. I can nap in the hotel lobby.”
Nicholas rubbed his temples.
“Got a headache? I can give you a ba….”
“No backrubs!”
Danny leaned back in his chair. “Nick, what’s the matter? You been on eggshells since we got to your mum’s place.”
“She’s a very stressful woman, Danny.”
“Perceptive, you mean.”
“What?”
“She saw right through us, didn’she?”
“Whaaa…what do you mean?”
“Well she knows were more than friends.”
“…Partners?” Nicholas’ stomach dropped.
“Right!”
“Danny, I don’t mean to make you uncomfortable, but I have to tell you, what she meant and what you mean…oh bloody hell.” Nicholas gave up, closed his eyes and held his head in his hands.
“The Andes think we’re benders too, Nicholas. I really don’t care.”
Nicholas head shot up so hard he cracked his neck. “Danny! Oh god I did not mean to make this uncomfortable for you…” Nicholas looked away, furious with himself.
“You’re the one making yourself uncomfortable. I told you: I don’t care.” Danny shrugged and sipped his lager. “So you want to find someone? I mean, girl or guy, I guess…” Danny did blush at the last.
“Danny, how could you possibly know this about me?”
“Because you get so mad about it, Nick. The Andes can’t say the word ‘bender’ without you throwing something at them. Anyway, you always…er…” Danny started a very forced coughing fit.
Nicholas thought hard about asking the next question. “I always what?”
Danny blushed. “Well, it don’t really matter. ‘Ere, he’s good looking. Like Tom Cruise.” He pointed, and Nicholas instinctively looked, and was caught in the deep blue stare of a very good looking man who was very aware of the fact that both he and Danny were looking at him. Nicholas tried to put on a fierce, ‘no-thank-you’ expression and looked away.
“Stop pointing, Danny.”
“Oh. Sorry.”
“Danny, we’re leaving.”
“No, we aren’t.”
“Yes we are.”
“Not you’re type?”
Nicholas stared at him. “No, in fact, he’s not.”
“So you don’t like Tom Cruise? The Andes say all benders like Tom Cruise.”
Nicholas ground his teeth.
“Y’know, they said Skinner was one too!” Danny scooted in to share the conspiracy theory.
“I wouldn’t know, Danny.”
“Oh. Well. Just what they said.” Danny sniffed and drank his lager, absolutely unmovable. When the waitress came by again, Nicholas ordered a gin and tonic. A double. He was not going through with the rest of this trip sober.
“Danny, let’s just talk about what you want to do tomorrow, okay?”
Later he was fabulously drunk and everyone looked beautiful and he really needed to use the loo. Danny helped him to stand and pointed the way. The bar was very crowded and it took forever for him to remember how to use a zipper, and he also stopped to pay their tab which required far more eye-hand coordination than he possessed at the time, so it was quite a while before he came back to the table and found Danny kissing the man with deep blue eyes.
The man was leaning forward and held Danny’s face with one hand, the other dropped down and resting on Danny’s thigh. Danny rested a hand on top of his, but kept a hold on his lager with his other. Their eyes were closed and while the kiss was relatively chaste, the stranger was gamely attempting to push the matter…or his tongue as the case might be. As he pulled back he sucked on Danny’s lower lip and Nicholas felt himself flush with arousal.
“Oh.” Danny said, opening his eyes.
The man smiled, then saw Nicholas. Something clicked and he got up quickly.
“I’m sorry. He said you two weren’t…together.”
Danny’s head swiveled over and registered Nicholas. “Ay! Nick! This is...”
“Get up. We’re leaving.” Nicholas never took his eyes off of the man. When no one moved, he turned and barked at Danny. “Now!” He marched off.
Out on the street Danny ran to catch up with him. “Damn, Nicholas! Slow down!”
“WHAT! What! What on EARTH were you doing?” Nicholas turned on him, his voice pitching up with every word.
Danny stopped and blushed and looked around. “Just wanted to see what it was like.”
“WHAT?”
“Shh. You’re yelling.”
“Answer me!” Nicholas pointed at the ground between them.
“I did!”
Nicholas breathed and tried to collect himself. “I mean, why? Danny, you’re a grown man, you’d know if you were…interested. A kiss won’t change that!”
“It was a nice kiss.”
“WHAT?”
“Shhhhhh!” Danny looked around nervously, and Nicholas registered that they were actually causing a scene. He pointed fiercely in the direction of the hotel and started walking again.
As soon as they were in their room, he rounded on Danny again.
“And why did you tell him we aren’t together?"
“Not like he’d kiss me if he thought you was my boyfriend!” Danny rolled his eyes.
As usual, Danny’s argument was illogical enough to be unassailable.
“Danny, please tell me this does not have anything to do with the fact that you want to be like me.”
Danny shrugged and looked off. “You are the best, Nicholas.”
“But not because I sleep with men!” Nicholas clasp a hand over his mouth the second he said it. He went and sat down in the chair, keeping his hand over his mouth, and Danny sat down on his bed.
“I didn’t think you’d get mad about it.”
“Why wouldn’t I? Christ, Danny, I’m…responsible for you.”
“You’re not my dad, Nicholas.” Danny shrugged off his jacket and ran a hand through his hair, looking worried. “Is that what you think? That I’m like…your kid brother or something?”
Nicholas was buzzed but sober enough to realize that honesty was not the best policy. “Yes, that’s exactly how I think of you. I care about you, Danny…you’re my best friend and my partner and…well, yes.”
Danny nodded and they sat in silence for a while.
“You didn’t ‘ave to yell at me.”
“I’m sorry. You just caught me unprepared.”
“’Cause I was kissing a bloke?”
“Yes. Exactly.” Nicholas let out a huge breath and stretched out in the chair, tilting his head back and closing his eyes. “Why don’t you get ready for bed, Danny? Take a shower. Let’s just start over tomorrow.”
Danny did, and while he was in the shower, Nicholas masturbated on his bed until he saw stars. Watching Danny kissing that stranger – kissing at all, in fact – was more than he could handle and he knew it. He planned on masturbating again in the shower once Danny was safely in bed, under covers. And again in the morning, somehow.
That morning they both suffered from hang-overs, and Nicholas was sore in other areas for other, repeated reasons. They went to visit the places where The Long Good Friday was filmed, as Danny requested, and by afternoon they were both back on comfortable footing. There was one more night to kill, and Nicholas was waiting for the next incredibly bad idea Danny might come up with.
“So, ‘no’ to your mum.”
“Not going back. Period.”
“No pub?”
“You can’t be trusted.”
Danny laughed. “Well we got to do something.”
“Do we?”
“Sit in the hotel room all night? In London?” Danny looked scandalized.
“I suppose not.”
Danny shook his head. “Pub?”
Nicholas insisted on a different bar. This actually was a pub and catered to an older, local crowd. Danny frowned a bit.
“What, Danny?”
“Not like you’re going to get some here.”
“I wasn’t planning to. And certainly not here.”
Danny frowned more and inspected a couple of women at the bar.
“And neither are you, Danny.”
“There’s two of them. Together.” He winked.
“Stop. Just stop.”
“Right. Because you’re ‘responsible’ for me.” Danny drank half his lager in one gulp.
Nicholas did not know what to say. This was something that obviously rankled Danny, but in all honesty he did not understand why. Part of him really did consider Danny his responsibility, and he did not see any harm in that. The part of him that did not consider Danny his responsibility was the part he was having the most problems with, anyway. Not that Danny ever needed to know that. He decided to just change the topic and told him some nonsense story about the night he helped round up a small gang of hoodlums not far from where they were. It was not much of a story, as action films go, but it did the trick. Danny relaxed, ordered another lager, and their night got exponentially better. For a while.
As they left the pub Danny waved to the two ladies who where still at the bar and Nicholas steered him out the door.
“We could’a talked to them.”
“No.”
Danny pulled his arm out of Nicholas’ grasp and marched on ahead. When Nicholas caught up, Danny gave him a furious look. “Who are you t’tell me who I can and can’t talk to?”
Nicholas nearly stopped dead in surprise. “No one. Danny, you can talk to whomever you like.”
“As long as you say it’s okay?”
“Danny, you’re drunk. Let’s not get into this right now.”
“I’m not your kid brother, Nicholas.” Danny stopped walking, serious and angry.
“Danny, can we please not have a fight?” Nicholas shoved his hands in his coat pockets, considering how much not like a kid brother he thought Danny was. Not at all. But if Danny wanted to think of things that way, perhaps it was best. Safest.
“Sure. If you start treating me like a partner.” Danny crossed his arms.
“Partners care about each other, and I care about you. Define it as you like.”
Danny chewed on that. “So, you mean like Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid?”
“I’d really rather not go out in a ignoble blaze of glory.”
“No, we’re the good guys, remember?”
Nicholas laughed. Danny smiled, not quite forgiving Nicholas, but willing to try. They walked back to the hotel, and at some point Danny threw a slightly drunken arm over Nicholas, who was just drunk enough to get turned on and just sober enough not to do anything about it.
As they sat on their beds taking off their shoes, Danny looked over at Nicholas. “So you’re not getting any on this trip, Nick. Sorry about that.”
“I’m not, Danny. I’d rather be with you anyway.” Nicholas threw his shoe down and as it hit the floor he realized what he said. Flustered, he looked up at Danny, who was studying him.
“You mean that?”
“Ahhh…”
“You mean it?” Danny asked forcefully, looking at Nicholas, firm and demanding and as damn attractive as Nicholas ever thought he could possibly get.
He rubbed his knees and closed his eyes as he answered. “Yes, Danny, I do. I thought you’d understand that by now, honestly, although I was trying....” He sighed. “Does it make you uncomfortable? Oh fuck of course it does.” He growled and massaged his temples. Danny sat rubbing his hands together.
“Just glad to know, I s’pose.” Danny got up and went in to take a shower, his expression closed.
By the time he emerged, Nicholas was already in his pajamas and in bed. They looked at each other for a moment and Danny headed for his bed. He sat down and looked at Nicholas again.
“I don’t care, Nick. You’re my partner and I can handle this. Anyway, nice to be wanted by someone, in’it?” He laughed, a small little laugh that made Nicholas smile despite the topic of conversation.
“I’m glad, Danny. I don’t…I don’t want to lose you, Partner.” He grimaced at how poorly he was handling this.
“Me neither, Partner.” Danny smiled and got into bed, falling asleep instantly while Nicholas laid awake for hours, listening to the man he loved, now more than ever.
Back in Sandford, things fell into the normal routine so quickly that Nicholas had to remind himself that he just got back from vacation. The Andes ragged on him but he kept remembering what Danny said about getting too mad over it, and instead tried to take a page out of Danny’s SOP: he ignored them. It somehow provided a calming influence and after about a week, all jokes about “Bending London” stopped. His mother sent him a package addressed to “My Boys, The Cottage, Sandford,” which the psychic mailman delivered to Nicholas’ house, containing a very nice antique tea set that Nicholas managed not to hurl at his living room wall.
Their movie nights went on uninterrupted. Danny was as good as his word and changed nothing of his behavior, sitting right next to Nicholas on the couch and patting him on the knee during exciting car chases (Nicholas made sure they watched movies with a lot of car chases). Once a week, they ate dinner at Nicholas’ house, as he tried to finesse some interest in international gourmet cuisine into Danny, under the terrifying prospect that they might have to face Nicholas’ mother again sometime in this eternity.
“Fall! It’s beautiful out, Nicholas. You need to get outdoors.”
“I spent all day yesterday raking leaves, Danny. I’m good.”
“Your yard isn’t that big.” Danny looked at him suspiciously.
“No, but I was helping Widow Holmes across the way.”
“Helping, as in, doing it for her?”
“Yes, of course. The woman can barely stand. The leaves were a foot deep.”
“Ah, poor dear. Good of you, Nicholas.”
“I thought so.” He inspected his blistered hands with displeasure.
“Well come over after work. I finally got Boondock Saints!”
Nicholas nodded, wondering yet again what exactly the criteria was for Danny to buy a film. Chuck Norris: Yes; finely honed cinematic classic: Maybe someday. He rubbed his temples.
“You got a headache again?”
“Yes.”
“Stress.”
“Oh, yes.”
“Hm. You comin’ over, right?”
“Right. As always, Danny.”
He showed up with an offering of lager and Chinese take-out at about 7pm. Danny already had the movie ready to go. As they sat watching Willim DeFoe sashay through a murder scene, Danny chuckled.
“What?”
“I used’a think all benders were like that. All girly, you know.”
“And now you don’t.”
Danny looked at him incredulously. “Kor, I can’t imagine you in a dress, Nicholas.”
Nicholas laughed so hard he fell off the couch and nearly banged his head on the coffee table. As he started whining, trying to breathe, he felt Danny sitting down behind him.
“Don’t move!”
“Danny…what…ohmyyyygod…” Nicholas went lightheaded as Danny’s hands ground into his shoulders and neck. He pulled and tugged at his upper back until Nicholas thought he was going to pass out from the endorphin release. He propped his arms up over Danny’s knees and tried to keep breathing evenly through the glorious pain. They were right, everyone was right: Danny knew how to give a killer massage.
When Danny finally stopped, Nicholas was certain that, at some point during the process, he saw the face of God. He could not remember a time outside of pure, unadulterated drunkenness that he ever felt better. He leaned blissfully back into Danny, who had his hands resting lightly on his shoulders, and tilted his head up.
“God, I love you.”
They both froze for a second, before Nicholas lowered his head back down and stared straight ahead, trying to figure out a way to take that back. Danny was not moving, not even breathing as far as Nicholas could tell.
Whatever Nicholas was planning, it was a bad idea. He knew it. He crossed that line and there was no taking back those words. They could pretend forever but…
He got up, turned around, and placing Danny’s legs between his, sat in his lap. Danny just looked up at him, blank.
“You want to kiss a man, Danny? Then let’s do it.” He grabbed his shirt and pulled him to his lips. Danny’s arms instinctively wrapped around Nicholas to stabilize them both but it was obvious to Nicholas that he was still holding his breath. He pushed against Danny’s mouth and finally breached it, and he tasted as sweet as he imagined, every time he made himself come thinking about Danny’s lips. Finally Danny had to breathe, gasping for air, but Nicholas was not letting him out of this. He smothered his mouth onto Danny’s, moving his tongue into Danny, tasting and tempting and teasing with every ounce of pent of passion he had held onto for the last two years.
Danny’s arms were locked around him, but he was not responding. He let Nicholas into him, he accepted the kiss, but he was holding back from reacting. Nicholas released the shirt and moved his arms into a hug, one hand sliding down Danny’s back and the other up to his head, trailing his fingers through his hair, and running a thumb across the top of his ear. He finally decided to pull back and slowly, achingly, drew his mouth away, but not before nibbling Danny’s lips lightly with his teeth.
They sat looking at each other. Nicholas did not want to move out of Danny’s embrace, ever.
“Is that what you wanted to know, Danny?”
Danny nodded.
Nicholas brought his arms around to Danny’s chest and grabbed his shirt again, pulling him close, but stopping before their lips met. “I’m going to kiss you again, Danny.”
Danny nodded.
This time Nicholas felt Danny’s muscles relax, and his tongue start to press against Nicholas’ explorations. Nicholas caught Danny’s tongue with his lips and sucked, pulling his tongue into his mouth, not too harshly, just enough, and he felt Danny’s arms tighten around him as he pushed forward against Nicholas, forcing their bodies together. Again Nicholas let go of the shirt and let his hands roam and he heard Danny whimper. He pulled back and found Danny breathless in his arms, staring up at him in confusion and wonder. He leaned back further and unbuttoned Danny’s shirt, took it off of him, and then pulled off his undershirt. Danny’s arms returned to their place, wrapped around Nicholas.
Nicholas leaned forward and traced a trail of kisses from Danny’s mouth to his ear, one hand dropping down to pet the faint hair on Danny’s chest. “Stop me, Daniel.” He whispered into his ear before darting his tongue out to run along the sensitive skin he found there. Danny was holding his breath again. “You have to stop me, because I want you, and I will not stop.” He moved his tongue into Danny’s ear, sliding it in and out in light and teasing movements, listening to Danny’s small, responsive whining. He drew back again, getting desperate. He did not want to take advantage of Danny, but he did want him, and for the first time in his life he was not sure he could hold himself in line. He was relying on Danny to put that barrier up for both of them, but he wasn’t, and the very idea that Danny was not stopping him filled Nicholas with urgency. He kissed him again, open mouthed, greedy, and hard.
Danny pulled his arms in and pushed him back in automatic panic. “Nick…Nick…I don’t…”
Nicholas gasped and jumped up. “Danny! I know…” He stood in front of Danny and rubbed his mouth, the horror of what he was doing to the boy settling on him. “Christ, Danny, I have to get out of here.” He spun and walked to the door and then hit the streets at a flat, full-out run.
The next morning he was filling out a transfer request. He met his limitations and he failed, and he needed to get out of Sandford before he did any more damage to them than he already had. He looked up to see Danny in the door frame of his office. He put down his pen and motioned Danny in. Danny closed the door behind him.
He did not say anything, just held up the paperwork so Danny could see it. Danny looked, then looked away.
“Don’t do it, Nicholas.”
“It’s clear that I cannot reasonably stay here…near you. I think that my behavior, my outrageous and out of control actions, prove that. Conclusively. It’s not that I don’t care about you, Danny, but I…can’t… damn.” He finished, saying nothing, looking at his desk.
“Maybe I just wasn’t ready.” Danny looked at him, serious. Nicholas laughed.
“Danny. That isn’t something you ‘get ready’ for…look, I’ve always been this way. Men, women…I don’t care. You usually get to the same place regardless of the equipment used, in my opinion. But if you don’t know that about yourself already, then you never will, because it is not there. I’m…I’m glad you stopped us. Not because I don’t want…that…with you. But because you don’t with me. That’s important, Danny.” Nicholas leaned over, trying to be wise and serious and honest. Then he lowered his head into his arms.
“Nick…”
Nicholas looked up into Danny’s worried face, and propped himself up on his elbows. “I’ve never been good at this. I’ve never felt about someone quite the way I do about you. And I want to hold on to that, desperately, to the point of not caring about what you want. I’m being greedy and selfish because I see something I’ve always known existed and never really caught. That’s why I have to go. I’ll hurt you otherwise.” He bowed his head, defeated by Danny, again.
Danny frowned, then sat back in the chair. “But I love you, Nicholas. You have to stay.”
Nicholas blinked. “I don’t think you mean it quite…”
“I do. Stop treating me like a baby! I know what happened last night. I know how you feel, I can see it. I’m not a virgin, Nick, despite what the Andes say. I know what sex is. It is what we were doing last night.”
Nicholas pursed his lips, admitting that Danny was sounding more like a man than a younger brother right then.
“I also know what your mum meant, and it isn’t as if half the village doesn’t think we’re shagging each other already. So I think what I feel about it should count for something: I love you. You’re staying.”
“Danny, I cannot, absolutely cannot, stay here, and be near you, without something like that happening again.”
“Fine, then.”
“No, Danny, I don’t think…”
“I mean it. Fine.”
Nicholas laughed despite himself. “Danny, it isn’t just something you just wake up and decide: ‘Today I’m gay.’ Doesn’t work that way.”
Danny rolled his eyes, impatient. “Maybe I was gay all along and just didn’t know it.”
“No. Not buying that, Sergeant Daniel Butterman.” Nicholas sat up straight and folded his hands on his desk and gave Danny his severest ‘Inspector’ look. “Because if that was true, Danny, you would let me fuck you, and you would enjoy it.”
It was a standoff, and Nicholas knew he would win. There was one thing a straight man would never break to, all kissing aside, and that was to be fucked by another man. He knew it, and he knew that was exactly the line they were at, and his faith in human nature was justified when Danny got up and walked out.
He sat in his bedroom, in the middle of the bed. Normally at this time he would be with Danny. At the pub, or at Danny’s flat, but with Danny. This was the third night since their showdown in Nicholas’ office and he did not think he ever felt lonelier in his life. As much as he wanted Danny, the real reason he loved him was because he simply liked him. Danny was his friend and his partner and Nicholas missed him. He knew that Danny missed him too, because Danny told him so several times at work, in much the same tone of voice he always said “…it weren’t me.” Danny said it only when no one was around and with no expectation of Nicholas responding. He was just letting Nicholas know.
Nicholas could not be trusted, though. Visiting Danny would lead to something else, unwelcome advances and awkward moments and, eventually, a fight. Or worse. Nicholas genuinely did not trust himself, at all, for the first time that he could remember. Even during his worst fights with Janine he managed to keep more control over himself than his best moments with Danny. So he sat on his bed, trying not to think about anything. The doorbell rang and Nicholas knew who it was, and seriously considered pretending to be dead. Instead, he got up, put a robe on over his bedclothes, and went to let Danny in.
“Doris?”
“’E’s in the car.” She pointed behind her.
“Doris, why did you bring Danny here?” Nicholas looked out, seeing a passed out Danny in the passenger seat.
“Where else you ‘xpect me to take him?” She wrinkled her nose.
“Home?”
“Exactly.”
“Doris, Danny doesn’t live here.”
“He’s pissed and someone need to keep an eye on ‘im. So com’on, gimme a hand.” She turned and walked out to the curb. Nicholas stared for a second, and then followed.
Danny was out of it, but not totally comatose. With coaxing, and Doris’ assurances to Danny that yes, they were getting him another round of drinks, Danny was pulled out of the car and into Nicholas’ house. Doris was set on dragging him all the way to the bedroom but Nicholas put his foot down and they settled Danny onto the front couch.
“Good’un, then. I’m goin’ back to my date. Night, Chief!” Doris patted her hands together, pleased with the conclusion of a successful operation, and promptly left Nicholas completely alone with a drunk, vulnerable, and slightly drooling Danny.
Nicholas was dozing in the chaise lounge when he heard Danny stir. Danny threw up earlier and adequate preparations on Nicholas’ part kept the situation from ruining the carpet, but after that Danny passed out and Nicholas laid down to get some rest himself.
“Nick?”
“Right here, Danny.” Nicholas rolled over and looked at Danny. He left the small reading light on earlier so the room was bathed in a mellow, hazy light and he saw Danny squinting at him.
“Where’s the couch?”
“You’re at my cottage, Danny. You’re on my couch. Your couch is back at your flat.”
“Oh…Nick?”
“Yes?”
“Do you love me?”
Nicholas paused, but reflected on the fact that Danny would certainly not remember any of this the next day, and it was not as if he had not said it before. Once.
“Yes, Danny, I do.”
“Love me?”
“Yes, love you.”
“Kiss me.”
“No.”
Danny whined.
“You threw up, Danny. I would not kiss you right now if you were Penelope Cruz.”
“Oh. Sorry…”
“It’s alright, nothing was ruined.” Nicholas sat up.
“But you’re leaving.”
“Not right now.”
“Later, then.”
Nicholas did not answer that, and was startled when Danny hunched over. He jumped up, thinking he was going to vomit again, but as he got to Danny’s side, he realized the boy was crying. He sat down next to him and rubbed his back. “Danny, come on, Partner. Everything will be alright.”
“Dad…Dad’s in prison, in’it he?”
“Yes, he is.”
“And you’re…you’re leaving too.”
Nicholas had not thought of it that way and felt his gut clinch in guilt. “Danny, no, don’t say that.”
“S’true.”
Nicholas just sat dumbly next to him, because it was true. Danny’s mother was dead, his father was in prison for the rest of his natural life, and now Nicholas was putting in for a transfer to anywhere that did not include Danny. Suddenly he thought that Danny might think he did not give a damn about him at all.
“Come here, Danny.” He wrapped his arms around Danny while he cried. “I’ll cancel the request. I won’t go. I won’t leave you alone. Danny?”
Danny nodded and they stayed wrapped around each other on the couch until morning.
Nicholas made him breakfast, which included making him eat it. He gave him one of his spare toothbrushes and let him use up most of the hot water for his shower. He called out sick for both of them, and Doris was grim on the other end of the line, asking about Danny’s condition. Nicholas told her he was awake and in the shower, which seemed a natural thing to say, and she sighed in relief. The doorbell rang at around lunch time and it was Tony, bearing a fresh change of clothes for Danny, who was cuddled up on the couch in misery. Tony patted him on the head, told Nicholas nothing was going on of any importance in town, accepted a cup of tea, and left. No one seemed at all surprised that Danny was there, or that Nicholas was taking care of him.
“My Boys, The Cottage, Sandford.” Nicholas wondered just how much more oblivious he could be to what everyone else seemed to take for granted. He just wished it was true.
By evening, Danny was almost human again. Nicholas sat behind him on the couch, rubbing his head. He knew he did not have the masterful massage powers that Danny possessed, but even a little bit was better than nothing, and Danny was groaning in genuine pain. Nicholas observed of himself that he was not the least bit aroused by a situation that a day ago would have wracked his body with x-rated fantasies. He just wanted to take care of Danny.
“Did…ow…did you mean it?”
“Mean what?”
“Last night, what you…owwww…said.”
“You remember last night?”
“Mmm, no. Just a bit. I don’t know how I got here.”
“Doris dumped you off on the front stoop.”
Danny tried laughing but it hurt. “Really?”
“No, but she did drive you here. We managed to walk you to the couch.”
“S’not a bad couch.”
“I like it.”
“Looks like something your mum would buy.”
Nicholas dug his fingers into Danny’s skull until he yelled.
“Lighten up on y’mum, Nicky! Ow! So, did you mean it?”
“Mean what, exactly?”
“That you’re cancelling the transfer. That you’re staying in Sandford.”
Nicholas stopped rubbing and scooted back so that Danny could turn and face him. “Yes, Danny, I meant it.”
“That you love me.”
Nicholas scooted further back and pulled on leg up on the edge of the couch. “Yes, that too.”
“You didn’t think I’d remember that, did you?” Danny smiled mischievously.
Nicholas laughed. “No, honestly, I didn’t.”
Danny pointed to his head. “Mind like a steel trap!” He laughed with Nicholas and then stopped, looking around. “I’m glad your staying, then, Nicholas.”
Nicholas was not quite so glad, practically speaking, but he was relieved that Danny was not upset anymore. Danny scooted closer to him and then laid back, so he was laying across him, his head on Nicholas’ stomach, his arms resting on Nicholas’ legs. Nicholas froze at first, but slowly uncoiled as Danny just laid there, utterly relaxed. Nicholas put a hand on Danny’s arm and used his other hand to prop up his head and neck as he leaned on the armrest.
“Comfortable?”
“Yeah, Nicholas.”
“Good.”
They sat like that for a while until Danny fell asleep. Nicholas’ body was cramping and he decided that it was late enough to call it a very unproductive day and went to his own bed after settling another comforter around Danny.
When he woke up later than night, he was not alone. Danny was creeping into bed with him, no mean feat for a large man who was still slightly hung over.
“DANNY!” Nicholas yelled and Danny nearly fell off the bed.
“What?”
“What are you doing?”
“…Going to bed?”
“This is MY bed, Danny. I left you on the couch…”
“Well it’s not that comfortable of a couch.” Danny proceeded to continue climbing into bed, fighting with the sheets.
“No.”
Danny ignored him and Nicholas was left with the option of…nothing. He could not stop Danny, short of dragging him out by his legs. Nicholas suddenly felt the familiar rush that led him down dangerous paths, and he thought he was going to hyperventilate.
“You okay, Nicholas?”
“No.”
“Mmmm. You know what?” Danny rolled onto his side to look at Nicholas, who was at the point of curling himself into a small black hole. “I love you too.”
Nicholas sat up. “Damnit Danny we’ve been over this! Please! Get out of my bed!”
“No.” Danny sat up and crossed his arms and they sat side by side, fuming.
“Danny…think about this. Do you really, honestly want me to rape you?” Nicholas gave him a small, wry, smile, trying to lighten the mood and steer Danny out.
Danny laughed. “No.”
“Then get out of my bed.”
“Nick…you remember when I kissed that guy?”
Nicholas felt like whimpering in certain defeat. “Yes, I do.”
“I was pretending it was you.”
Nicholas stopped breathing.
“The reason I asked that bloke to kiss me is because I knew you wouldn’t if I asked. Even though you’ve tried a lot before.” Danny looked at him slyly.
Nicholas was flummoxed. “Before? I’ve never…”
“When you’re asleep. Plenty of times, on the couch, when you’ve fallen asleep against me. You put your hand on my leg and just…kiss me. On the cheek, mostly, but sometimes when I look over, there you are and…”
“Do not.”
“Do too.”
“Do….not….”
“Yes, Nicholas, you do.”
Nicholas sat there, feeling betrayed by his own sleep cycle.
“And I never stopped you, didn’I? And I was thinkin’, maybe I liked it, and I wanted to see if I would like it more. Why would I do that if I didn’t like it to begin with, Nicholas?” Danny spoke thoughtfully, as if working out a word problem for Nicholas’ edification. “Knowin’ you never would when you were awake, I had to ask someone and it really was a nice kiss, I guess, just not very interesting. But then, when you did kiss me, it was all kinds of interesting. It was great…then I felt you…you know, down there.”
Nicholas thought that his mother’s Moroccan carpet was not the only excellent place to die a gruesome death.
“I didn’t mean to push you off, you know. I just got spooked and I didn’t know what I was doing, ‘least not with a bloke. So I’m sayin’, that maybe, if you kissed me again, I might not panic this time.”
“Danny…what I said…in the office. Did you listen to anything I said?”
“Nicholas, I’ve been with girls. Okay? So have you. Just ‘cause….”
“You’re not answering me.”
“You want me to say it, then?”
And Nicholas realized right then that, yes, it was exactly what he was waiting for, if only because he fully expected never to hear anything close.
“’Cause I said I love you, and I like kissing you, but…I guess I have to say this too.”
“Yes, Danny, you do. You have to say it.”
“Hmmph.”
Nicholas rubbed his hands together, trying to think of a way to pull this out of Danny’s misplaced ideas about kissing. He decided that brutal honesty was always a good wake up call.
“You know what anal sex is like? Ever done it to a girl?”
Danny grinned. “Yeah. Susie Carpen…”
“No! I don’t need to know who! You remember…it?”
“It hurt her. A lot. But she said she liked it, and…I did. Like it. Messy, though.”
“Hmm. I guess that about sums it up.” Nicholas drew up his feet so that he could rest his arms on his knees, and his chin on his arms. He glanced over at Danny, who was looking at him.
“An’ you want to do that to me?” Danny laughed again, more self-consciously.
“Yes. You know I do.” They stopped while Danny considered the matter.
“And would you let me do it to you?”
Nicholas just stuttered for a second before composing himself. “I would.”
“Really?” Danny sounded impressed.
“I’ve done it before, Danny, to women and other men, and they’ve done it to me. I’m not one who thinks it should just be one way all the time. I like to think I’m comfortable enough with my sexuality that it is…fluid.”
“Korrrrr…” Danny laughed, but turned thoughtful again. “We could do other things, Nicholas.”
Nicholas finally did whimper in defeat, resting his forehead on his arms. “Danny, I assure you, I would love that. But eventually…eventually we’d just have this same conversation all over again.” He realized that he had absolutely no control over this bizarre conversation. None.
Danny leaned forward, placing his elbows on his knees, and looked at the wall for a second before turning to face Nicholas. “That’s it, then?”
Nicholas turned his head to the side so he could look over at Danny. “Yes.” He fully expected Danny to get out of the bed. Nicholas did not purposefully throw this up as a barrier, he did it more to scare Danny off. That plan failed spectacularly, so now he was using the threat of anal sex to make Danny see reason. He just hoped that he would see reason soon and leave, so that Nicholas could massage his raging hard on until he passed out.
“So you gonna, then?”
“What?”
“You know. ‘It’…fuck me?” He whispered that last words and fiddled with his hands, squinting, and looking very much as if he just asked Nicholas out on a first date.
Nicholas’ blood pressure plunged in shock and he was speechless. They sat in silence and then Danny pulled back the sheets.
“S’okay if not, then, Nicholas. I’ll go.”
Nicholas reached out and grabbed Danny’s shirt and pulled him down next to him, forcing them to lay down on the bed on their sides, facing each other. In a heated rush, he felt Danny’s hand resting on his side and his other hand pressed against his chest. He moved his hands to caress Danny’s face.
“Danny, why are you doing this?”
“…Because I want to?”
Nicholas paused. It was not quite the thought out, well reasoned argument he was hoping for but…it was Danny. “Alright then. If…Danny…if you’re sure. Don’t just do this for me.” Nicholas felt his hands shaking.
“I been sure for a while, Nicholas. You’re the one keep shoving me off.”
Danny smiled and Nicholas leaned forward to kiss him. This time it really felt as if Danny was participating, kissing Nicholas back with his tongue and his lips, moving his head to try for a better angle against him. Nicholas pulled back for a second and looked at Danny, who was staring at him with unguarded passion and need and, still, confusion. Nicholas admitted concern; he avoided virgins of any orientation, worried of turning them off to things he liked, or worse, hurting them, but there was nothing for it here. He never really expected this challenge to arrive in his bed, but he had been waiting for it for over a year.
Danny followed his lead as he pushed him onto his back and they took off their shirts. It was a mundane act, to get undressed, but Nicholas reveled in it. He was not much for strutting, but he wanted to see exactly how he might turn Danny on so he rolled up on to his knees next to him and pulled off his tee shirt, holding himself up so that Danny could see all of him. They had seen each other shirtless innumerable times in the locker room, but not like this, and Nicholas watched Danny’s reaction with pleasure as it turned from surprise to desire. It was there, the look in his eyes, and Nicholas sighed in genuine relief. Danny finished taking off his own shirt and Nicholas lay down partially on top of him, lowering himself into a slow, deep kiss. Danny’s hands ripped across his bare back and he felt those strong fingers close around muscle and bone and he yelped.
“Nick?”
“This isn’t a massage, Danny.”
“Oh. Just…”
“Shhh.”
They kissed again and Danny’s hands took to roaming aimlessly across Nicholas’ body. At some point when Danny’s tongue flicked against his in a coy tease, Nicholas groaned in heat and rolled his hips into Danny’s thigh, his erection trapped between them. He felt Danny gasp a little.
“That’s the way it is, Danny. That’s where we’re going.”
Danny nodded.
Nicholas quickly understood that his main problem was himself. He wanted Danny, all of Danny, right now; he wanted to make love to him and fuck him and taste him and watch him come. He wanted to lose himself in Danny, forever if possible, and if he was not careful, he was going to do just that, without paying attention to how Danny was feeling, or reacting, or…
“Nicholas?”
“Yes, Danny?”
“What’r you thinkin’ about?”
“Um.” Nicholas realized he was so lost in thought that he stopped moving.
“You…uh…not…” Danny blushed.
“No! No, Danny, I am! Very, I promise. I just…don’t want to screw this up for you.”
“You don’t have to protect me all of the time.”
“I know…”
“This really isn’t the place to be thinkin’ of me as a younger brother, is it?”
Nicholas laughed so hard, he snorted. “Gahhh…no, I suppose not.”
Danny reached up and pulled his head back down to kiss him, and with Danny truly initiating things for once, Nicholas finally accepted what was happening. He gave up and pushed himself onto Danny, rubbing his hands down his chest and into his pants. He ran his fingers delicately over Danny’s erection – god, it was good to find that – and further down, cupping his ball sack, gently rubbing the soft, sensitive skin. Danny melted into one long moan and arched his back, clasping his hand on Nicholas, and then, surprisingly, pulling down Nicholas’ pants, or trying to. Nicholas moved quickly to strip them both down and they were pressed together naked. Nicholas thought his brain was going to implode. Yes, he decided, there were certainly other things they could do…first.
He kissed Danny while moving his hand softly over his cock, and Danny moaned again. Nicholas propped himself up on his knees and began a slow trail of kisses down Danny’s body, as he slowly increased the friction and pressure on his cock. Danny responded beautifully, groaning and gasping and generally squirming the sheets to knots. Pleased with himself, Nicholas sat next to Danny’s side as he moved his kisses across and down his chest, stopping to tease nipples, flicking a tongue over Danny’s belly-button, and finally moving to the tip of Danny’s penis. He rolled his tongue around the edge of the head as his hand kept stroking, and Danny’s body rose up. Surprised by the force of it, Nicholas threw his own body down so he was lying partially over him, using his shoulders to press down on his lower abdomen and hips, and the view was fantastic. He pulled himself up and wrapped his mouth around the top of Danny’s cock and sucked on it and he felt a wave of pleasure wash over him. He wanted this – in fact he wanted more than this – and it was not about doing it right, it was about doing it at all.
He moved his head down and pulled the length of Danny’s cock into him, filling up with him, holding him down with his own naked body and he was delirious. He slid up the shaft and he heard Danny calling out in continuing surprise, his body nearly convulsing. Nicholas rang his fingers around the base, encircling it, pushing down and squeezing as his mouth moved up and down, his teeth just barely scraping skin, his tongue adding even more pressure. He picked up the pace as Danny’s hips began to react, and soon the tip was bobbing in and out of Nicholas’ mouth as his hand moved quickly, pulling the orgasm out of Danny. Finally he tasted the pre-cum and the felt the swelling of blood-rush and he held his head up as his hand slammed down. Danny called out inarticulately and slapped his hands against Nicholas’ back as he came, his come shooting out of him and onto Nicholas who felt himself humping the bed sheets in automatic, sex-driven response as he watched.
Danny collapsed, his legs sprawled, his breath surprising quiet. Nicholas wiped himself off, leaned forward and rested himself on top of Danny, his head on his chest. Danny was warm and comfortable against him, entirely relaxed and practically purring. “Danny…”
“Mmmm, Nicholas…You really know how to do that…cornettoes!”
Nicholas blinked. “What?”
“I’ll never be able to watch you eat a cornetto again.” Danny shook his head seriously, as if this was in fact a real tragedy. Nicholas just stared at him, his idea of the moment completely wrecked. Danny laughed and clutched him, pressing their bodies together, which brought the moment back to Nicholas in a fury. He pushed off and clambered – no other word for it – between Danny’s legs. While Danny processed this new location in surprise, Nicholas leaned forward and drug open the nightstand drawer, pulling out a bottle of lube. He did use it, sometimes, because it certainly lasted longer than spit.
Danny was watching him, still feeling the pleasure of his own climax but realizing that they were moving into different waters. Nicholas used his elbows to shove Danny’s legs apart, opened the tube of lubricant with his teeth, and smeared a handful over his right hand fingers. Danny’s eyes went wide.
“Nicholas…”
Nick stopped and put the tube down. “Danny.”
Danny did not answer. Finally Nicholas leaned forward and let his own cock rest against Danny’s spent member, and used his un-lubed hand to hold Danny’s face. They stared at each other for a few seconds and Nicholas thought he would break. He wanted this so much, to be inside Danny, and when he imagined it he saw red, tightening his grip on Danny’s jaw.
“You said it. I asked you; you said it.”
“Nicholas…please stop thinking,” Danny asked him quietly, reaching up to pull Nicholas down into a soft, comforting kiss. As Danny breathed into him, he calmed down. He needed to stay present, for Danny…but he truly did not think he would, and it was something he desperately wanted even as he thought it was terrifying to approach.
He sat back and spread Danny’s legs further apart. He bent Danny’s knees, so he would be bracing himself against the bed. He scooted up a bit so his knees were resting under the back of Danny’s thighs, just a little leverage for now.
“Shouldn’t I roll over?” Danny asked, betraying his nerves.
“No.”
“Oh. I thought that’s how it’s done. That’s how…ssssnnnnnffff....” He sucked in air as Nicholas fingers reached under him, slick with lubricant, and pressed against his anus. Nicholas rubbed the area to calm the muscles down. His other hand reached down and gently stroked Danny’s cock, sending shivers through both of them as another, lazy hard-on started. He was not worried for himself, as his hard-on was painfully stiff and unlikely to decompress anytime soon. He wanted to calm Danny down anyway. He knew this was scary; his first time was actually with a girlfriend and her strap on, and even with as little pressure her light frame put on him, it was painful. He felt Danny breathing fast.
“Danny…”
“Yeah…yeah…Nick?” Danny stuttered.
“I mean it. I’m going to do this, and when I get there, I won’t stop for you. Understand?”
Danny just nodded.
“It will hurt, Danny.” As he said it, Nicholas pushed a finger inside of Danny. It was not quite as tight as he feared, but he felt Danny’s muscles rattle around his finger as Danny let out an explosive breath of air, his lungs gasping. Nicholas rubbed his finger against the warm skin and then moved another finger in, and then a third, and he felt Danny’s muscles clinch and Danny bucked. He knew this was going to be messy. The sheets would not survive.
As he moved his fingers in and out of Danny, he crept up on his knees, leveraging Danny’s pelvis higher. Danny was gasping and his hands were moving, trying to find purchase, but his hard-on was strong again as Nicholas tightened his grip on it. Nicholas thought he was going to go blind from holding back on his own passion and he felt his breath ragged and uneven. Finally he pulled his fingers out and wiped them down, hearing Danny breathing deeply in release. He let go of Danny’s cock and used that hand to rub his belly, soothing him down.
“We there yet?” Danny asked, trying to smile, but Nicholas was beyond laughing at small jokes. He was choking, with Danny pooled out in front of him, vulnerable and open to him alone. “Nicholas?...”
Nicholas pushed up on his thighs, forcing Danny’s hips up and back, and managed to grab more lubricant for himself as he moved forward. Distantly he heard Danny’s small noises but he looked down. He hooked his clean hand over Danny’s leg to keep him from backing off – it would be an instinctive reaction and Nicholas wanted to prevent it. His other hand grabbed his own, incredibly warm cock and directed it in between Danny’s ass cheeks, his fingers guiding him. He felt the tip of his penis pressing against the entrance, and he moved forward more, sighing deeply in pleasure, and finally Danny began fighting.
Danny instinctively panicked, shoving back with his legs, but Nicholas brought both arms to bear and held him, and then gently pulled him, as he felt the breach start to happen. He found this the most painfully erotic moment, when passions were in flywheel motion and he was totally and completely entering someone who was giving himself up to him in a profoundly personal way. Usually he dialed that down in order to concentrate on making the experience better – safer, secure – for his partner, but his time, feeling his hands on Danny’s strong thighs and hearing Danny’s deep gasps for air, he did not. It was the irony of the moment that his love for Danny was finally the key he needed to let go and trust that no matter what happened, they would be fine afterwards. He knew it, earlier, and he was honest when he told Danny that once he was there, he would not stop, and now that he was, he didn’t.
He kept dragging Danny down and pushing his hips forward and he felt the tip of his cock slip in and Danny’s muscles contract around him in a deliriously painful way and he cried out, closing his eyes, immersed in sensations. Nicholas pulled himself up even more and sucked air in through his nose as he ground his teeth, and pushed again, and heard Danny crying out in pain, inarticulate and wild, as Nicholas finally sheathed himself completely. He stopped, finally looking up, and realized that they were both slick with sweat. He brought his eyes up to Danny’s face and saw tears.
Nicholas gulped for air. “Did you tell me to stop?” He asked, suddenly worried.
“No.” Danny mouthed the word, speechless.
Nicholas nodded then leaned his head back in small release, feeling his muscles relax as he felt himself deep inside of the man he loved, who wanted him there, and who thank god was Danny.
He felt Danny move, adjust, and twist. There was no such thing as getting comfortable in this position so Nicholas saved him the trouble by quickly pulling out halfway and pushing back in. Danny’s entire abdominal wall clutched and Danny gasped. Nicholas moved forward to better angle himself to stroke Danny in places he might not be aware – in fact surely was not aware – that he had. Nicholas pulled out again and pushed back in even harder, and again a third time, and suddenly he felt Danny’s legs almost give out and Danny moaning in something like pleasure. That was it, the place he wanted Danny to be, and the place Nicholas needed to go. He picked up his pace and leaned forward to the point that he had his hands pushing down on Danny’s shoulders, his hips pounding against Danny’s flesh, and Danny’s hands wrapped around his upper arms in a vice grip.
“Daniel…Danny, I love you…ohDaniel…” He shook his head and gasped the words, and at himself; he never talked when he came, he never felt the need to call out anyone’s name or words of endearment because it was always just sex which never meant love to him, until now. He could just barely speak and he lost track of himself, feeling his cock thrusting deep and warm inside of Danny, but the words kept spilling out with Danny’s name on his lips. He started catching his breath, knowing what was rushing up on him.
“Nicholas!”
He opened his eyes to see Danny arched underneath him, straining with him, his eyes closed but his mouth open and wet and calling out his name, and Nicholas flew outside of himself, grabbing Danny’s thighs and pulling their bodies together as he exploded inside his lover with a massive thrust that shoved him so deeply into Danny that he thought he was forever lost, his control broken, his passion rolling over him in primal waves.
He slowly opened his eyes and saw Danny had his arms over his face and he was shaking. Nicholas felt the utter terror he dreaded: that he had hurt him, that he had gone too far, too hard and broken Danny, somehow. He reached out a hand to Danny’s chest.
“Danny…no…” As he said the words Danny’s arms flew down and both hands gripped his arm and Danny was…laughing.
“Nicholas…” Danny gulped for air and Nicholas was frozen, completely at a loss, assuming the worst and facing the incredible. Danny was laughing. Then Danny smiled, through small hiccups of tears and laughter. “Nicholas…that…was…a-maz-ing.” Danny ran his hands up and down Nicholas’ arms as only a lover would do.
Nicholas bowed his head and laughed, feeling more like crying himself. “Yes, Danny, it was.”
“Nicholas?”
“Yes?”
“I love you too.”